Waaaaay long time no post

Wow - it's been nearly 1 year since my last post. One whole year! I've thought about posting over & over but things have been very up & down and frankly, were starting to get very depressing; writing about sex but not actually having any. Being so fucking close to sex but not being allowed to do it. Ridiculous. It was, and still, seems so ridiculous.

Gosh, where do I start? We're still together - which is great to say the least. I survived more like it. Passed the 3 year 'anniversary' since he's been inside and that was a relief. I was truly going nuts leading up to that. So nuts I borrowed some moulah, got on a plane and went away for a week. That helped alot thankfully. And now, things are just getting so much better leading up to home leaves. There's a chance too that he may get some early home leaves as a priviledge thing, as he does alot of stuff around the premises that's helpful for them. Yay for that.

But 3 years - THREE YEARS. No sex. Yes, believe it if you will. Disturbingly shocking I know. I still watch porn and trawl the net for it, but fuck I'm soooooo over it. Just fucking give it to me now. Cut the fucking crap!

Last night after masturbating to porn on my computer an old thought popped into my head: what was that website where people send in vids of themselves coming? That elegant, erotic, liberating site??? Oh yes! Beautiful agony. Oh my God what a beautiful website. Thank the Lord for the internet! In a moment of madness, and having just made a credit card payment, I joined for 1 month. he he he!! And - wait for it - I'm actually thinking of doing one myself. Just thinking about it... Fuck how liberating would that be? Even just recording myself and watching it would be liberating. Anyway, food for thought....

Phone sex with N has been dead in the water. And that's my doing 100%. I hate it. Well, hate the reasons why we have to do it and hate that anyone in their could easily listen to it if they wanted. Prison = NO privacy. Obviously. That's the punishment. No sex, no touching, no privacy, all rules. A bit like school.

BUT having said that, I did crack the other day and we did it. First time in probably 9 months. But at this new place he's at (minimum security) the phone calls are shorter. So we're getting into it (or more likely I'm getting into it and he's listening; that's what gets him off - hearing me - the sweet thing) and then beeeeep. Shit!!! For women that is extremely disruptive. I/we so need to be undisturbed to do it. I was so fucking close (very horny) many times and eventually I had a right tantie and hung up to finish myself off. Stupid fucking prison.

What's also helping with feeling more positive and optimistic is that we've been having picnics out and about with the sporting team (hmm, sporting team...lots of cock....just kidding!), again as a priviledge thing, and that's been fantastic. Because they're out & about in the general community. I bring a picnic of yummy cheeses (even our little son likes Brie cheese - he's got foodies as parents!) and stuff and he brings what he can. We can sit basically wherever around whichever oval we're at. It's quite relaxed once we settle down. A bit of a shock to the system getting used to actually being all together outside the prison at first.

But anyway, he begged me to bring photo's of myself - as filthy as possible - and take in my handbag for him to look at. Hmmm... I was hesitant at first (what if I have a car accident and people search through my handbag trying to find out who I am and stumble across them???!) not knowing what the system was, but after the first picnic I realised just how relaxed it all is. So for the subsequent picnics I've bought 2 each time. I'm running out now. Haven't done naughty pics of myself for many months. Like I said, it's been a tough year and most things sexual I have just supressed. I don't know how I feel about them though.... It's like the phone sex - I like that it's liberating and helps me confront body and sexuality self-consciousness, but I resent the conditions under which I'm doing it. Doing it because that's all we/I can do in this situation.

There has been some naughty biz at a few of the picnics. Discrete when you have a 4 yr old running around, the public and an officer. Kisses, a hickie on my neck and then last weekend I wore no knickers under my shorts and he was able to slide his hand over my bare ass cheeks and quietly slip a finger into my ass and rest it there. It's a battle to stay still but I like that I'm forced to be still. Mmmm, a little force.... It surprised me how much it turned me on. Then again, I have become a bit of an ass slut over the years! I could feel my pussy tighten and start to moisten. Just like during a very passionate kiss between us. No picnics for a couple of weeks though.... But hopefully something else will crop up & we'll actually be able to have sex. Make love. Re-connect. Fuck. Fucked everywhere in every hole. Suck his cock til my pussy aches and I have to come. Maybe even lick his ass - he loves that; but I'm not so sure. I do it (as long as it's clean!) because I love him. Fuck I'm a good girl.

So now there's almost this delicious anticipation. As my counter shows, there's only a few months now til official home leaves. OMG I WILL be having sex this year. Very soon in fact. And could be sooner. The fucking anticipation is just about killing me. I need more toys. More ass toys. I'm over buying porn. It's all the same crap after a while. I want to be making my own porn with him! Well, not really, but doing everything but film. And then I want - no I NEED - to party. To experiment. Threesomes, foursomes (guys) I want to try it all. There's nothing like an enforced sex drought to make one feel extremely adventurous. Life really is fucking short. You never know what's round the corner - cliched but true. Grab it now, but with respect and love.

I've just finished reading The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt. Very enlightening and refreshing. I love reading about other couples' sex lives. I think that's why I love Beautiful Agony so much. It's real. Real people, real honesty, real life.

I just want real life...

Hmmm, writing this has made me a bit frisky. *smirk* Maybe today's the day to buy those new toys...