Toxic toys

Well, true to my word, I trundled off the other day after the last post & went in search of some new sex toys. Specifically I wanted to get a new butt plug as my old one was a bit irritating. In terms of the crap that it is made of irritating my skin & bits. Have you smelt sex toys? Before use I mean - they smell so chemically and quite yuck. Like the new gumboots I just bought our son. I've had to put them outside the rubber smell is soooo bad. Surely that shit can't be good for you? I googled some info on sex toys & their composition & found that most of the stuff they're made of IS bad for you. Especially for shoving inside - our female bits certainly don't need to be doused in chemicals which can be quite easily absorbed by the body. I discovered that in particular, phthalate is bad; so bad it has been banned in Europe. And yet they still make sex toys with them and sell them here. Errr, right. So it's important to find phthalate-free toys if you want to look after yourself. And in particular ones made of silicone.

Anyway, off I went to the other side of town to go to a adult shop mega-store. And because I was too chicken to go anywhere too local in the off-chance I see someone I know. Extremely unlikely I know, but I guess I still get embarrassed by all this (much to my annoyance). So I went in & it was bigger than others I've been to, but not THAT big, oh well. I was the only person there. Good & bad really as I stick out like a sore thumb! The sales guy was quite young & cute - dammit! He asked if I wanted help but I said no & prompty found the anal play section. I had a good look & because of my self-consciousness & lust stupidly managed to forget that I was trying to find 'safe' toys & just picked out another butt plug and some more beads (both pink). I'm trying to find beads bigger than the ones I have now, but not too big. And ones that aren't on a string which gets stuff stuck to it (yuck) but instead is all made of the same material.

So I got those 2 and went to the counter and he asked if I needed any lube (no) or anti-bacterial solution. Hmmm, yes maybe I do (I'm quite into hygiene despite my propensity for anal sex) so I got some of that too. About $65 all up.

As I was paying I spotted behind the counter on display a new toy I'd seen on adultshop and wildsecrets (where I've bought toys & porn from before) call the We-vibe. For some reason I pictured it to be bigger but it's actually quite small. And fucking pricey!! $230!! Whoa! I enquired about it and he eagerly whipped it out and demonstrated it to me (well, as much as you can in a shop!). Of course, IT is made of top-grade silicone. He let me have a hold & play turning it on and off and said the woman can actually wear it during sex and it's amazing. Hmmm. So I got home and googled it and shit, it DOES sound amazing! I want one!!! But at that price, I'll have to wait for more government stimulus money. That'll definitely stimulate my economy! *Tacky joke alert* !

I drove home thinking I had about 1/2 hour to try the new plug before picking up son from school. I opened the package and was immediately hit by that same awful toxic chemcial smell. Uh-oh. I lubed it up and began and oh my God it fucking hurt! The stinging was almost immediate - what had I done?? Wasted my money on MORE fucking stupid toxic toys. Because I was desperate and embarrassed I rushed out & got what I could. I tried to persist but it stung & burned so much it was ridiculous. I stopped and tidied up but my God it was still hurting. Panicking, I saw I only had about 15 mins til I had to go to school - but I could barely walk! Shit, shit, shit. Bloody toys! I calmed down & waited a bit and found it died down pretty quick. Thank God. But that was it - NO MORE toxic toys for my female body. I have now ditched said new toys plus a couple of old ones & kept 2 I know don't hurt. A waste of money in one sense, but at least now I've learnt my lesson.

That evening I jumped on the net and did some serious research (I love to research!). I googled silicone sex toys and to my sheers delight and surprise I found a great Aussie site and business which makes ONLY medical-grade silicone sex toys!! And it was created by 2 women who realised how toxic most sex toys were. Hallelujah!! So I had a thorough search on Down Under Toys and with the little money I had left bought a small butt plug to try. Can't wait!! I was ecstatic. What great entrepreneurial women. And a local invention too! They said the company actually started in NZ before moving here, but local all the same. Yay for smart women. I told N all about it and he's happy I'm happy. I'm sure he doesn't want me to be soaking up toxic chemcials either, all in the name of having a good time. So now I'm patiently waiting for Easter to be over and to receive my super silicone sex toy. And I also found out on the FAQ corner of the site that it's wise to use water-based lube with silicone toys. My clever N had read something about this last year so when he asked if I knew anything about it, I was able to research that and find our more useful info. Being in-the-know is rather important to have a really good time I'm discovering.

Yay for girlpower!

Waaaaay long time no post

Wow - it's been nearly 1 year since my last post. One whole year! I've thought about posting over & over but things have been very up & down and frankly, were starting to get very depressing; writing about sex but not actually having any. Being so fucking close to sex but not being allowed to do it. Ridiculous. It was, and still, seems so ridiculous.

Gosh, where do I start? We're still together - which is great to say the least. I survived more like it. Passed the 3 year 'anniversary' since he's been inside and that was a relief. I was truly going nuts leading up to that. So nuts I borrowed some moulah, got on a plane and went away for a week. That helped alot thankfully. And now, things are just getting so much better leading up to home leaves. There's a chance too that he may get some early home leaves as a priviledge thing, as he does alot of stuff around the premises that's helpful for them. Yay for that.

But 3 years - THREE YEARS. No sex. Yes, believe it if you will. Disturbingly shocking I know. I still watch porn and trawl the net for it, but fuck I'm soooooo over it. Just fucking give it to me now. Cut the fucking crap!

Last night after masturbating to porn on my computer an old thought popped into my head: what was that website where people send in vids of themselves coming? That elegant, erotic, liberating site??? Oh yes! Beautiful agony. Oh my God what a beautiful website. Thank the Lord for the internet! In a moment of madness, and having just made a credit card payment, I joined for 1 month. he he he!! And - wait for it - I'm actually thinking of doing one myself. Just thinking about it... Fuck how liberating would that be? Even just recording myself and watching it would be liberating. Anyway, food for thought....

Phone sex with N has been dead in the water. And that's my doing 100%. I hate it. Well, hate the reasons why we have to do it and hate that anyone in their could easily listen to it if they wanted. Prison = NO privacy. Obviously. That's the punishment. No sex, no touching, no privacy, all rules. A bit like school.

BUT having said that, I did crack the other day and we did it. First time in probably 9 months. But at this new place he's at (minimum security) the phone calls are shorter. So we're getting into it (or more likely I'm getting into it and he's listening; that's what gets him off - hearing me - the sweet thing) and then beeeeep. Shit!!! For women that is extremely disruptive. I/we so need to be undisturbed to do it. I was so fucking close (very horny) many times and eventually I had a right tantie and hung up to finish myself off. Stupid fucking prison.

What's also helping with feeling more positive and optimistic is that we've been having picnics out and about with the sporting team (hmm, sporting team...lots of cock....just kidding!), again as a priviledge thing, and that's been fantastic. Because they're out & about in the general community. I bring a picnic of yummy cheeses (even our little son likes Brie cheese - he's got foodies as parents!) and stuff and he brings what he can. We can sit basically wherever around whichever oval we're at. It's quite relaxed once we settle down. A bit of a shock to the system getting used to actually being all together outside the prison at first.

But anyway, he begged me to bring photo's of myself - as filthy as possible - and take in my handbag for him to look at. Hmmm... I was hesitant at first (what if I have a car accident and people search through my handbag trying to find out who I am and stumble across them???!) not knowing what the system was, but after the first picnic I realised just how relaxed it all is. So for the subsequent picnics I've bought 2 each time. I'm running out now. Haven't done naughty pics of myself for many months. Like I said, it's been a tough year and most things sexual I have just supressed. I don't know how I feel about them though.... It's like the phone sex - I like that it's liberating and helps me confront body and sexuality self-consciousness, but I resent the conditions under which I'm doing it. Doing it because that's all we/I can do in this situation.

There has been some naughty biz at a few of the picnics. Discrete when you have a 4 yr old running around, the public and an officer. Kisses, a hickie on my neck and then last weekend I wore no knickers under my shorts and he was able to slide his hand over my bare ass cheeks and quietly slip a finger into my ass and rest it there. It's a battle to stay still but I like that I'm forced to be still. Mmmm, a little force.... It surprised me how much it turned me on. Then again, I have become a bit of an ass slut over the years! I could feel my pussy tighten and start to moisten. Just like during a very passionate kiss between us. No picnics for a couple of weeks though.... But hopefully something else will crop up & we'll actually be able to have sex. Make love. Re-connect. Fuck. Fucked everywhere in every hole. Suck his cock til my pussy aches and I have to come. Maybe even lick his ass - he loves that; but I'm not so sure. I do it (as long as it's clean!) because I love him. Fuck I'm a good girl.

So now there's almost this delicious anticipation. As my counter shows, there's only a few months now til official home leaves. OMG I WILL be having sex this year. Very soon in fact. And could be sooner. The fucking anticipation is just about killing me. I need more toys. More ass toys. I'm over buying porn. It's all the same crap after a while. I want to be making my own porn with him! Well, not really, but doing everything but film. And then I want - no I NEED - to party. To experiment. Threesomes, foursomes (guys) I want to try it all. There's nothing like an enforced sex drought to make one feel extremely adventurous. Life really is fucking short. You never know what's round the corner - cliched but true. Grab it now, but with respect and love.

I've just finished reading The Sex Diaries by Bettina Arndt. Very enlightening and refreshing. I love reading about other couples' sex lives. I think that's why I love Beautiful Agony so much. It's real. Real people, real honesty, real life.

I just want real life...

Hmmm, writing this has made me a bit frisky. *smirk* Maybe today's the day to buy those new toys...