Saturday, 15 September 2007
I need sex - revelation
I can't believe it, I realised last night that I NEED sex. I can't believe how stupid it sounds to say that. But I actually find that quite confronting for some reason.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Time to blog
Time to blog...been a while. Busy busy busy (thesis thesis thesis!)
As usual I have lived up to my slacker expectations & not written in this as much as I wanted to. I often find myself talking in my head about what I'm wanting to say in my blog but somehow I just hardly get around to actually writing it. Often I'm just soooo tired I can't be bothered and end up reading everyone else's sex blogs. Speaking of which, just received one of my Amazon purchases about sex blogs: 'Naked on the internet' by Audacia Ray. Of course, been too tired & busy to start reading it yet & I have my usual pile of books next to my bed - I seriously love reading! My 'sex & love in intimate relationships' book I'm about half way through & is a fascinating psych book to read.
Anyway, period due any second so been a bit off (I've noticed I get headaches a day or 2 before it comes), but wow - since I read that giving up caffeine can make big improvements to PMS & sore boobs (I had very sore boobs pre-period) on a naturopathic website, I can't believe the difference. I actually wouldn't have believed it had it not happened to me. It suggested no coffee, tea, chocolate or cola drinks. Now most people would balk at that, but I'm quite (mostly!) ok with it as I don't drink coke ever (evil!, but used to drink diet coke), choc I only want pre-period, coffee I only have about twice a week when visiting N & we make mocha's up with hot choc & coffee & tea I drink alot of but mostly green & white tea. So I ditched the coffee's, kept the tea (I couldn't give that up, so good for you & I love it & has only small amounts of caffeine in it) & holy crap! What a difference. This is my 2nd period with my coffee at all & I feel quite amazing - no sore boobs & very minimal moodiness. VERY minimal. Just tired & headaches. I ate choc last night but I have a feeling it was more out of pre-period habit as I've noticed that since I've stopped have those few coffee's on the weekend, my choc cravings have gone down. And they weren't that strong anyway (I'm lucky I know) & it wouldn't be so much of a craving, more like a when I eat some non-pre-period it tastes very average, but pre-period the same choc can taste amazing.
Wow, I've thought, if giving up something like coffee/caffeine can make this much a difference to my body & mind, I wonder what other foods can do? I've been interested in nutritional healing & stuff for ages, despite not practicing it AT ALL but still feeling it made sense. And this just seems like a good example of that.
I think too, that that's about intuitive eating too. For breakfast I usually have wholemeal toast with honey or peanut butter or vegemite & my usual cup of (normal)tea with milk. Rest of the day I drink green or white tea. For about a year I was having low-fat soy milk in the breakfast tea, having a feeling that normal milk isn't quite right with me. But then I was silly and mucked around with differing brands that happened to be on special & they were so strong I went of soy milk totally. Last couple of weeks I've been putting low fat normal (or should I say cow's milk, normal milk I suppose technically is human breast milk) in my tea & it's just not working for me. It's weird - it's not like I get sick or anything, in fact nothing much happens at all, I just have this feeling that it's not right for me. I don't think too much dairy is in fact. Although I do love cheese & yoghurt. Should eat more yoghurt I think.
Anyway, had my tea with soy milk this morning & was great! Plus I ate something different too (haven't had it for a while) - toast with tuna & cheese. I have a very strong sense of needing to eat protein for brekkie & much, much less carbs & sugar as I just get hungry very quickly after a brekkie like that & then can start nibbling on crap or muffins (more carbs & sugar) or something. Upping my protein, especially in the AM, really, really works for me. It's just getting into the habit of doing that (savoury instead of sweet almost) & adjusting my brain to saying it's ok to eat heaps in the morning & less later on. I know that works alot better for my body too.
Interesting isn't it?.... Listening to my body, I know what's right for it (ie pastry which I love, gives me shocking heartburn. I don't usually get it - expect when pregnant, OMG that was awful - but foods like that I do. Too rich, fatty & 'heat-producing' like it says in Chinese medicine) I just find it hard to do. My usual habits & mind take over....
Anyway, wanted to write something about sex since the whole point of this blog was supposed to be about that!! Masturbated twice on monday - somewhat unusual for me as haven't done that for a while. More like something the single-no-commitments-more-time me used to do. Confessed it to N & felt my usual guilt, but he knows how stressed & busy life has been lately (our toddler son turned 3 so had party for that).
I had this weird craving to suck (the toy) cock with my head hanging upside down off the bead, lying on my back. So laid on bed on tummy & sucked it normal first (stuck on wall) then rolled over & tried to suck it as if a guy was standing above me directing it into my mouth. But found I couldn't quite get it right so pushed the bed away from the wall a bit and found that much better. Very fucking horny actually & was touching my clit & feeling myself get wet very quickly. I took it off the wall for a bit & teased my pussy with it then sucked it again, tasting myself. Then stuck it back on the wall & grabbed my older (and smaller unfortunately) toy & started to fuck my pussy with it, rubbing my clit & sucking the other toy from the underside on the wall. Was incredibly horny & I came quickly. Only thing is, having my head like that made me feel quite nauseous & dizzy & I felt like that for a few hours afterwards!! Silly girl, but worth it I think as something to do every now and again....
Then watched porn a few hours later & came again. Needing to release tension & stress perhaps & give something to ME.
Last night I was lying on the couch watching TV and giving myself a night off from study & suddenly a thought popped into my head of 'why can't N just be here with me? Why can't we just have sex like everybody else? What sense is it that he's in jail?' I try not to think those thoughts too often as they really get me down & resentful and angry. A simple thing - s simple RIGHT - to fuck, make love, have sex, screw, kiss, cuddle, tease, play with your partner is gone for me and him. But why??? I keep thinking. Why? Honestly, what did he really do that was THAT bad he (and I) deserve this? I don't want to reduce it down to excuses and 'it's not fair' but for fucks sake he's not a killer or rapist or basher or drug user or dealer or kiddie tamperer or fucking anything. He fucked up with money (ok, badly and more than once) but really, is this necessary??? *sigh* We just have to stay focused on the whole 'everything happens for a reason' mentality we both so strongly have & go from there. Especially both our studies; that probably would not have happened had all this not happened (not me, but him more likely).
We changed our minds AGAIN about man whore. But not about doing it, just waiting til after my thesis is due as I think it'd be too much to deal with (especially emotionally as we don't know what repercussions they could be) while I'm frantically trying to get that done. I breathed a sigh of relief when we came to that conclusion - always a sign that that's the right decision then. I didn't realise how it was stressing me - even though it's a fun (is that the right word for fucking someone other than your partner, despite having their permission to do so?) to d, it's still quite a big stress given the circumstances of it all.
But now, stupid S and his whole unit in self-care have been kicked out for doing naughty things (we still don't know what exactly but N knew something was going on and tried to talk sense into him - but he still obviously did something silly boy) and N says he probably won't be back in self care for at least 3 months. So, fuck! Man whore then is out of the question in my books until S is back around for N as support and to organise it all (for the 3rd time! God they're patient). So that won't be til Nov or Dec IF he gets back in).
I said to N 'I'm really beginning to think the Universe doesn't want this to happen given that we've cancelled it twice' but I also think (as he does) that it's just the TIMING that isn't right. Hmm, well, we can only but wait and see. Arhh that annoying little thing called patience.
I find myself wondering if I'm forgetting what actual sex and human contact is like. Is that possible? Not forget per se, but just....fading away. I also find myself staring at men in the supermarket or petrol station or wherever and if they're attractive and well-built (don't have to be a super-stud, just very masculine) and imaging them naked, standing tall and proud holding and wanking their erect cock. I've never had those sorts of thoughts before. Men wanking never used to turn me on much, but I think not only are my tastes changing and maturing and being more open-minded, I've watched SO MUCH friggin' porn where you see heaps of guys naked and wanking their cocks, unable to hold back that look at pure lust in their eyes as they practically salivate at the woman's body and what they're about to do to it. God, getting frisky now just thinking of it!
Mmmm....men. God I miss 'man' and maleness. I miss N so much - his body especially, seeing as we still have that emotional connection and closeness. I'll be driving along innocently listening to music and thinking nothing when suddenly in pops and image of N's cock (of what I can remember, but I obviously can remember some things!) and in particular the 2 little blue/green veins that starts at the base of his cock and become engorged with blood as his cock does. I remember seeing them every time I sucked his cock. Those little veins staring at me, running from his torso into his cock feeding it well with blood it keep it hard and ready to pounce and fuck....
My brain is becoming fucking crazy with fuck deprivation.
But, put it this way - at least we get to explore that and each other's bodies all over again. I chose to remind myself of that when I start to feel sad or lonely or skin hungry or fuck hungry. We have that chance to be like new little love-birds again, fucking each other like crazy and re-exploring. It'll be strange - especially with all that we've been through. Son will maybe be in kindy by then and N hopefully working (and me too or studying full time) but we'll have day times and grandparents so we can catch up. And shit, do we have ALOT of body catching up to do! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY. It's seems to long away though... I want it to go fast but then again I don't for the sake of having a child and not wanting them to grow up too quickly. But it's already happening - that strange mix of time crawling along and yet speeding up too. Toddler is 3 already and the other day it was officially 1 and 1/2 year since N's been inside. Can't wait til next March - then it's 2 years and the slide begins into half the time served and so on the downhill slope to release. Of course, still hoping for work leave or home leave or sentence cut on appeal, but I've learnt not to hope or hold my breath. You can't if you want to stay sane...
As usual I have lived up to my slacker expectations & not written in this as much as I wanted to. I often find myself talking in my head about what I'm wanting to say in my blog but somehow I just hardly get around to actually writing it. Often I'm just soooo tired I can't be bothered and end up reading everyone else's sex blogs. Speaking of which, just received one of my Amazon purchases about sex blogs: 'Naked on the internet' by Audacia Ray. Of course, been too tired & busy to start reading it yet & I have my usual pile of books next to my bed - I seriously love reading! My 'sex & love in intimate relationships' book I'm about half way through & is a fascinating psych book to read.
Anyway, period due any second so been a bit off (I've noticed I get headaches a day or 2 before it comes), but wow - since I read that giving up caffeine can make big improvements to PMS & sore boobs (I had very sore boobs pre-period) on a naturopathic website, I can't believe the difference. I actually wouldn't have believed it had it not happened to me. It suggested no coffee, tea, chocolate or cola drinks. Now most people would balk at that, but I'm quite (mostly!) ok with it as I don't drink coke ever (evil!, but used to drink diet coke), choc I only want pre-period, coffee I only have about twice a week when visiting N & we make mocha's up with hot choc & coffee & tea I drink alot of but mostly green & white tea. So I ditched the coffee's, kept the tea (I couldn't give that up, so good for you & I love it & has only small amounts of caffeine in it) & holy crap! What a difference. This is my 2nd period with my coffee at all & I feel quite amazing - no sore boobs & very minimal moodiness. VERY minimal. Just tired & headaches. I ate choc last night but I have a feeling it was more out of pre-period habit as I've noticed that since I've stopped have those few coffee's on the weekend, my choc cravings have gone down. And they weren't that strong anyway (I'm lucky I know) & it wouldn't be so much of a craving, more like a when I eat some non-pre-period it tastes very average, but pre-period the same choc can taste amazing.
Wow, I've thought, if giving up something like coffee/caffeine can make this much a difference to my body & mind, I wonder what other foods can do? I've been interested in nutritional healing & stuff for ages, despite not practicing it AT ALL but still feeling it made sense. And this just seems like a good example of that.
I think too, that that's about intuitive eating too. For breakfast I usually have wholemeal toast with honey or peanut butter or vegemite & my usual cup of (normal)tea with milk. Rest of the day I drink green or white tea. For about a year I was having low-fat soy milk in the breakfast tea, having a feeling that normal milk isn't quite right with me. But then I was silly and mucked around with differing brands that happened to be on special & they were so strong I went of soy milk totally. Last couple of weeks I've been putting low fat normal (or should I say cow's milk, normal milk I suppose technically is human breast milk) in my tea & it's just not working for me. It's weird - it's not like I get sick or anything, in fact nothing much happens at all, I just have this feeling that it's not right for me. I don't think too much dairy is in fact. Although I do love cheese & yoghurt. Should eat more yoghurt I think.
Anyway, had my tea with soy milk this morning & was great! Plus I ate something different too (haven't had it for a while) - toast with tuna & cheese. I have a very strong sense of needing to eat protein for brekkie & much, much less carbs & sugar as I just get hungry very quickly after a brekkie like that & then can start nibbling on crap or muffins (more carbs & sugar) or something. Upping my protein, especially in the AM, really, really works for me. It's just getting into the habit of doing that (savoury instead of sweet almost) & adjusting my brain to saying it's ok to eat heaps in the morning & less later on. I know that works alot better for my body too.
Interesting isn't it?.... Listening to my body, I know what's right for it (ie pastry which I love, gives me shocking heartburn. I don't usually get it - expect when pregnant, OMG that was awful - but foods like that I do. Too rich, fatty & 'heat-producing' like it says in Chinese medicine) I just find it hard to do. My usual habits & mind take over....
Anyway, wanted to write something about sex since the whole point of this blog was supposed to be about that!! Masturbated twice on monday - somewhat unusual for me as haven't done that for a while. More like something the single-no-commitments-more-time me used to do. Confessed it to N & felt my usual guilt, but he knows how stressed & busy life has been lately (our toddler son turned 3 so had party for that).
I had this weird craving to suck (the toy) cock with my head hanging upside down off the bead, lying on my back. So laid on bed on tummy & sucked it normal first (stuck on wall) then rolled over & tried to suck it as if a guy was standing above me directing it into my mouth. But found I couldn't quite get it right so pushed the bed away from the wall a bit and found that much better. Very fucking horny actually & was touching my clit & feeling myself get wet very quickly. I took it off the wall for a bit & teased my pussy with it then sucked it again, tasting myself. Then stuck it back on the wall & grabbed my older (and smaller unfortunately) toy & started to fuck my pussy with it, rubbing my clit & sucking the other toy from the underside on the wall. Was incredibly horny & I came quickly. Only thing is, having my head like that made me feel quite nauseous & dizzy & I felt like that for a few hours afterwards!! Silly girl, but worth it I think as something to do every now and again....
Then watched porn a few hours later & came again. Needing to release tension & stress perhaps & give something to ME.
Last night I was lying on the couch watching TV and giving myself a night off from study & suddenly a thought popped into my head of 'why can't N just be here with me? Why can't we just have sex like everybody else? What sense is it that he's in jail?' I try not to think those thoughts too often as they really get me down & resentful and angry. A simple thing - s simple RIGHT - to fuck, make love, have sex, screw, kiss, cuddle, tease, play with your partner is gone for me and him. But why??? I keep thinking. Why? Honestly, what did he really do that was THAT bad he (and I) deserve this? I don't want to reduce it down to excuses and 'it's not fair' but for fucks sake he's not a killer or rapist or basher or drug user or dealer or kiddie tamperer or fucking anything. He fucked up with money (ok, badly and more than once) but really, is this necessary??? *sigh* We just have to stay focused on the whole 'everything happens for a reason' mentality we both so strongly have & go from there. Especially both our studies; that probably would not have happened had all this not happened (not me, but him more likely).
We changed our minds AGAIN about man whore. But not about doing it, just waiting til after my thesis is due as I think it'd be too much to deal with (especially emotionally as we don't know what repercussions they could be) while I'm frantically trying to get that done. I breathed a sigh of relief when we came to that conclusion - always a sign that that's the right decision then. I didn't realise how it was stressing me - even though it's a fun (is that the right word for fucking someone other than your partner, despite having their permission to do so?) to d, it's still quite a big stress given the circumstances of it all.
But now, stupid S and his whole unit in self-care have been kicked out for doing naughty things (we still don't know what exactly but N knew something was going on and tried to talk sense into him - but he still obviously did something silly boy) and N says he probably won't be back in self care for at least 3 months. So, fuck! Man whore then is out of the question in my books until S is back around for N as support and to organise it all (for the 3rd time! God they're patient). So that won't be til Nov or Dec IF he gets back in).
I said to N 'I'm really beginning to think the Universe doesn't want this to happen given that we've cancelled it twice' but I also think (as he does) that it's just the TIMING that isn't right. Hmm, well, we can only but wait and see. Arhh that annoying little thing called patience.
I find myself wondering if I'm forgetting what actual sex and human contact is like. Is that possible? Not forget per se, but just....fading away. I also find myself staring at men in the supermarket or petrol station or wherever and if they're attractive and well-built (don't have to be a super-stud, just very masculine) and imaging them naked, standing tall and proud holding and wanking their erect cock. I've never had those sorts of thoughts before. Men wanking never used to turn me on much, but I think not only are my tastes changing and maturing and being more open-minded, I've watched SO MUCH friggin' porn where you see heaps of guys naked and wanking their cocks, unable to hold back that look at pure lust in their eyes as they practically salivate at the woman's body and what they're about to do to it. God, getting frisky now just thinking of it!
Mmmm....men. God I miss 'man' and maleness. I miss N so much - his body especially, seeing as we still have that emotional connection and closeness. I'll be driving along innocently listening to music and thinking nothing when suddenly in pops and image of N's cock (of what I can remember, but I obviously can remember some things!) and in particular the 2 little blue/green veins that starts at the base of his cock and become engorged with blood as his cock does. I remember seeing them every time I sucked his cock. Those little veins staring at me, running from his torso into his cock feeding it well with blood it keep it hard and ready to pounce and fuck....
My brain is becoming fucking crazy with fuck deprivation.
But, put it this way - at least we get to explore that and each other's bodies all over again. I chose to remind myself of that when I start to feel sad or lonely or skin hungry or fuck hungry. We have that chance to be like new little love-birds again, fucking each other like crazy and re-exploring. It'll be strange - especially with all that we've been through. Son will maybe be in kindy by then and N hopefully working (and me too or studying full time) but we'll have day times and grandparents so we can catch up. And shit, do we have ALOT of body catching up to do! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY. It's seems to long away though... I want it to go fast but then again I don't for the sake of having a child and not wanting them to grow up too quickly. But it's already happening - that strange mix of time crawling along and yet speeding up too. Toddler is 3 already and the other day it was officially 1 and 1/2 year since N's been inside. Can't wait til next March - then it's 2 years and the slide begins into half the time served and so on the downhill slope to release. Of course, still hoping for work leave or home leave or sentence cut on appeal, but I've learnt not to hope or hold my breath. You can't if you want to stay sane...
Thursday, 6 September 2007
Aching pussy
God my pussy is aching! It was aching earlier today too, so I put on some porn and stuffed with the toy. Was quite good, but I (as usual!) felt guilty N was invited to the party. But geez - we had phone sex yesterday! I thought that would exempt me from phone sex for the next week *smirk* Of course, which he hates.
Aching for sex, aching for cock, aching for something, ANYTHING!
Aching for sex, aching for cock, aching for something, ANYTHING!
Saturday, 1 September 2007
N's personality test results
| That Personality Test :: Your Results | ||
| The latest personality test from ThatSurveySite... now featuring more and better questions than ever! | ||
| Emotional (30%) | [..........||||......] | Logical (70%) |
| Concerned about self (73%) | [.....|||||..........] | Concerned about others (27%) |
| Atheist (58%) | [........||..........] | Religious (42%) |
| Loner (55%) | [.........|..........] | Dependent (45%) |
| Laid-back (37%) | [..........|||.......] | Driven (63%) |
| Traditional (62%) | [........||..........] | Rebel (38%) |
| Impetuous (68%) | [......||||..........] | Organized (32%) |
| Engineering mind (33%) | [..........|||.......] | Artistic mind (67%) |
| Cynical (45%) | [..........|.........] | Idealist (55%) |
| Follower (31%) | [..........||||......] | Leader (69%) |
| Introverted (47%) | [..........|.........] | Extroverted (53%) |
| Conservative (49%) | [....................] | Liberal (51%) |
| Logical (24%) | [..........|||||.....] | Romantic (76%) |
| Uninterested (21%) | [..........||||||....] | Sexual (79%) |
| Insecure (33%) | [..........|||.......] | Confident (67%) |
| Selective (100%) | [||||||||||..........] | Tolerant (0%) |
| Pessimistic (53%) | [.........|..........] | Optimistic (47%) |
| Principled (17%) | [..........|||||||...] | Pragmatic (83%) |
| Tolerant (46%) | [..........|.........] | Opinionated (54%) |
| Humble (40%) | [..........||........] | Elitist (60%) |
| Take the test! | ||
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