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Friday, 31 August 2007
But I'm only 51% slut....better work on that!
Watch out! I'm sexual & elitist!!
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| Emotional (50%) | [....................] | Logical (50%) |
| Concerned about self (49%) | [....................] | Concerned about others (51%) |
| Atheist (88%) | [............] | Religious (12%) |
| Loner (50%) | [....................] | Dependent (50%) |
| Laid-back (46%) | [...................] | Driven (54%) |
| Traditional (31%) | [................] | Rebel (69%) |
| Impetuous (58%) | [..................] | Organized (42%) |
| Engineering mind (31%) | [................] | Artistic mind (69%) |
| Cynical (34%) | [.................] | Idealist (66%) |
| Follower (39%) | [..................] | Leader (61%) |
| Introverted (30%) | [................] | Extroverted (70%) |
| Conservative (39%) | [..................] | Liberal (61%) |
| Logical (30%) | [................] | Romantic (70%) |
| Uninterested (13%) | [.............] | Sexual (87%) |
| Insecure (52%) | [....................] | Confident (48%) |
| Selective (50%) | [....................] | Tolerant (50%) |
| Pessimistic (77%) | [...............] | Optimistic (23%) |
| Principled (52%) | [....................] | Pragmatic (48%) |
| Tolerant (56%) | [...................] | Opinionated (44%) |
| Humble (20%) | [..............] | Elitist (80%) |
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Excited nervousness
Been a while since last blogged - been such a slacker! I often do this - start doing something quite constructive for myself (keeping a journal in this instance which I do find to be very insightful) and go at it prolificly for a while then find I taper off....
I was going to post yesterday & call it 'This look I get', but I didn't get round to it (surprise surprise!). It was in the middle of phone sex with N where he'd hung up to change phones & I'd gotten off the bed to put my high heels on & suction the cock to the wall to fuck it standing up (in my ass). Wow - I'd really discovered a great position there. The high heels make all the difference I find. I got the idea off a little porn snippet I found on the net (I have heaps of them). This guy is fucking this girls ass while they're both standing up. She has these incredibly high red heels on & he's beind her holding her arms back behind her & doing her ass. Totally fucking horny! So when I do that position I kinda have that image in my head also, spurring me on.
Anyway, we were mid-phone fuck & I saw myself in the mirror as I was shifting positions. I had this amazingly dazed, drugged, delirious-with-lust look in my eyes. It was amazing. I've seen it before - but not that often, so when I caught it I stopped & stared. I looked very high, very seductive. I thought to myself 'so this is why women like Marilyn Monroe always pose with that kindof half-closed eyes, sleepy but sexy look'. It sooo looks like that - totally high as a kite on the drug of sex, lust & hormones. At that point of such intense excitement you'd be willing to do anything. You're at the complete & utter mercy of whoever you're with; a slave to your own desire. It was incredible.
Thinking about it now - trying to remember - I can just remember that look in N's eyes and face. Jesus, it's been so long since we've had sex I have to stretch my mind to recall it. God that sux. God that hurts. So long since we've had sex....
I remembered last weekend at a visit to N that it's been ages since he's done the totally-fucking-horny thing of going up close to kiss me, then denying me it. I can feel a little jump inside my chest just thinking of it. Oh God, sooooo horny. He used to do that to me in bed - surprise me with it. Something about it drives me seriously fucking wild. Just as being kissed on the neck does. Oh goooood!!! Just thinking about it is turning me on!
I think it's a combination of things - power, seductive, control, teasing. It used to get me so wet. Making me beg for a kiss, whether we were fucking or not. mmmmm....
So the title of this post is 'excited nervousness' because......
Wait for it..... (to anyone who actually reads this blog, of which I think that number is zero)
We're definitely going ahead with the man whore.
!!
In fact, N just told me a few short hours ago that it's probably going to be next weekend! Arhhh!! It's so tricky to organise with phone calls here there and everywhere from inside a prison to the outside. Man whore N is a very busy boy (must be good!!) and is often being flown all over the place by his little bitches-on-heat. It was perhaps going to be about 3 weeks from now, but then suddenly a client has cancelled & he's free next weekend. !!
N said he's looking forward to it & I said 'but he fucks all the time, how can he be?' not believing that be could be looking forward to sleeping with someone like me. I mean, not a client and stuff. N said he has mostly regular clients so it probably gets pretty same-old same-old (what, like a girlfriend? I said & laughed), so someone like little ole me will be different for him. A sympathy fuck I keep saying to N! No, he says.
I suppose it makes me feel sort of special then, but terribly, terribly terrified & excited. N and i have been talking about it (for what seems) so long - saying yes, planing it, booking it in, changing our minds, talking about it some more and some more and some more - it feels almost normal now.
Did you hear that? Normal!! Oh my god! Anyone reading this blog must know that my life is so completely abnormal it's not funny (but actually it's totally hilarious). 5 years ago I was lonely & desperate for a man to love & lust with & I didn't know he was soon round the corner. Then we met, feel deeply in love, fucked like it was going out of fashion, learnt about (almost all) of each other's flaws & dreamed of our future together. Back then I couldn't imagine having a baby - we definitely wanted some, but not when I did fall pregnant. But, we reasoned (and still do), all things happen for reason and whilst I was disappointed I never got to travel on my own or with a partner & finish my studies before a bub, it all worked out for the best. And THEN I could never, ever have imagined the way our lives would go - N going to jail & me becoming a single mum. Never in a million years did I think something like that could ever happen to me. It wasn't even something I'd ever remotely thought about. You know when you see stories on the news and for a fleeting second you imagine what it'd be like if that happened to you (mostly, strangely, macabre stuff for me - death, tragedy, but sometimes winning lotto, i am human after all!), but when I saw stories of people going to jail (especially for fraud given N had been inside for fraud once before) I never, ever thought about that happening to me.
But it did and it has. And then (again!) I never thought I'd actually seriously be considering sleeping with a man whore. I mean, ever, in any context, let alone this one, let alone partly organised & 100% consented by my partner. I mean, I don't think I ever thought they really existed here in the city I live. But they do and there's more and more of then - the demand is growing! I know because I'm a dirty slut and I read the adult services columns in the weekend paper just for fun. *wink*
Fuck me life is weird. Seriously, totally, utterly weird. This morning I was at a toddler course for dealing with the little beings and next weekend I might be having sex. Not only have sex with someone other than my partner, but a prostitute. And just a prostitute, a male one. And not only a male man whore, but one I'm not paying for either! Call my life a lesson in weird things happening!
Hmm, if I read this to N he'll be expecting me to be talking about the actual fucking of/with the man whore. But shit, I can't really think about much. I don't know what he looks like and it's still such a bizarre thought, it's hard to hold it in my head and indulge in it. And then of course, there's the hugely significant fact that I'll be having sex with someone other then the man I truly, madly, deeply love.
Just one teeny, tiny thing there - I won't be having sex with my dear sweet N.
But N & S decided a while ago that in order for this to happen, N has to get something out of it too. Which I think is totally fair enough - the poor guy is suffering enough without sex and life in general in there, and now he's going to let me go off and fuck someone else. he's actually going to endure that. As much as I'm looking forward to it (I'm just being honest!) I'm also dreading it, thinking about how the night will be for N. And for me. How will be both cope with what I'll be doing? So N & S decided there should be some 'terms and conditions' that need to be stipulated. Uh oh I thought - what?! But I do really think they're a good idea.
N has to get something out of it. So he wants 2 T & Cs that specifically will benefit him, and 1 that'll benefit us (I think I have that right). I was a bit confused at 1st and thought he was talking about something I should do with the man whore that would be good for him. I was thinking 'huh?'. But fortunately that's since been clarified (after we cancelled the 1st 'date' with him which was good, otherwise we wouldn't have talked about all this properly). He was meaning anything. Listen to more porn I have, more phone sex etc etc. So I reluctantly agreed (given my stance on phone sex) to give him phone sex 3 times a week for 5 weeks (I said 1 month, he said 2 we settled on 5 weeks). BUT that will only start after thesis is due at end of Oct. Geez, he has alot of faith in me that I'll follow through! lol But if I do actually go ahead and suck and fuck and do all sorts of naughty things with MWN I'll be feeling so incredibly guilty I imagine I'll be willing to do anything!
Change of topic:
Bought 3 sex-related books from Amazon in the last week (The sexual revolution 2.0; Naked on the internet; and Transcendent sex: when lovemaking opens the veil). Credit card probably back up over the limit! I'm seriously debating doing a PhD (providing I get in and get a scholarship - just a minor hiccup!) on something relating to female sexuality, sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual something. But definitely relating to women. Women's issues and bodies will never stop fascinating me. Whether it's weight or eating or our place in this still patriarchal world or sex, we fascinate me.
And reading (and now doing one) so many sex blogs (men's too - they're seriously fantastic!) it's really making me wonder about female sexual expression via sex blogs. Does it change them? Change their sex life? Change the way they are and think about themselves sexually? Does it help? how? how much? Self-reflection and all that, but in a public way (albeit anonymously - a crucial point I think).
Something like that I think... can't quite put my finger on it yet (the exact topic) which is making me panic as I've had over a year to think about it! But my original ideas I found mostly already done and frankly, I'm sick of researching, thinking and talking about women's weight (read: my weight) and psychological factors related to it. I don't believe we gain lots of weight just because we can't be bothered eating right or exercising. Hell, most of us having been on a diet and weight yo-yo treadmill for so long have encyclopedic knowledge of what to eat, what exercise to do etc. But we still don't necessarily do it. But we don't sit where we currently are weight-wise and go 'that's ok, i totally accept and love myself as I am'. Yeah right.
Anyway, sick of that. But not sick of women's issues. N reckons tonnes of women's weight issues (and mine, I'm about a size 14-16) are to do with sex and sexuality. Deep down, I think he's quite right. Amongst other issues though - there is never 1 single cause for anything.
Hmm, think I'll have a little hanky-panky with myself now! he he
So much for study tonight!
I was going to post yesterday & call it 'This look I get', but I didn't get round to it (surprise surprise!). It was in the middle of phone sex with N where he'd hung up to change phones & I'd gotten off the bed to put my high heels on & suction the cock to the wall to fuck it standing up (in my ass). Wow - I'd really discovered a great position there. The high heels make all the difference I find. I got the idea off a little porn snippet I found on the net (I have heaps of them). This guy is fucking this girls ass while they're both standing up. She has these incredibly high red heels on & he's beind her holding her arms back behind her & doing her ass. Totally fucking horny! So when I do that position I kinda have that image in my head also, spurring me on.
Anyway, we were mid-phone fuck & I saw myself in the mirror as I was shifting positions. I had this amazingly dazed, drugged, delirious-with-lust look in my eyes. It was amazing. I've seen it before - but not that often, so when I caught it I stopped & stared. I looked very high, very seductive. I thought to myself 'so this is why women like Marilyn Monroe always pose with that kindof half-closed eyes, sleepy but sexy look'. It sooo looks like that - totally high as a kite on the drug of sex, lust & hormones. At that point of such intense excitement you'd be willing to do anything. You're at the complete & utter mercy of whoever you're with; a slave to your own desire. It was incredible.
Thinking about it now - trying to remember - I can just remember that look in N's eyes and face. Jesus, it's been so long since we've had sex I have to stretch my mind to recall it. God that sux. God that hurts. So long since we've had sex....
I remembered last weekend at a visit to N that it's been ages since he's done the totally-fucking-horny thing of going up close to kiss me, then denying me it. I can feel a little jump inside my chest just thinking of it. Oh God, sooooo horny. He used to do that to me in bed - surprise me with it. Something about it drives me seriously fucking wild. Just as being kissed on the neck does. Oh goooood!!! Just thinking about it is turning me on!
I think it's a combination of things - power, seductive, control, teasing. It used to get me so wet. Making me beg for a kiss, whether we were fucking or not. mmmmm....
So the title of this post is 'excited nervousness' because......
Wait for it..... (to anyone who actually reads this blog, of which I think that number is zero)
We're definitely going ahead with the man whore.
!!
In fact, N just told me a few short hours ago that it's probably going to be next weekend! Arhhh!! It's so tricky to organise with phone calls here there and everywhere from inside a prison to the outside. Man whore N is a very busy boy (must be good!!) and is often being flown all over the place by his little bitches-on-heat. It was perhaps going to be about 3 weeks from now, but then suddenly a client has cancelled & he's free next weekend. !!
N said he's looking forward to it & I said 'but he fucks all the time, how can he be?' not believing that be could be looking forward to sleeping with someone like me. I mean, not a client and stuff. N said he has mostly regular clients so it probably gets pretty same-old same-old (what, like a girlfriend? I said & laughed), so someone like little ole me will be different for him. A sympathy fuck I keep saying to N! No, he says.
I suppose it makes me feel sort of special then, but terribly, terribly terrified & excited. N and i have been talking about it (for what seems) so long - saying yes, planing it, booking it in, changing our minds, talking about it some more and some more and some more - it feels almost normal now.
Did you hear that? Normal!! Oh my god! Anyone reading this blog must know that my life is so completely abnormal it's not funny (but actually it's totally hilarious). 5 years ago I was lonely & desperate for a man to love & lust with & I didn't know he was soon round the corner. Then we met, feel deeply in love, fucked like it was going out of fashion, learnt about (almost all) of each other's flaws & dreamed of our future together. Back then I couldn't imagine having a baby - we definitely wanted some, but not when I did fall pregnant. But, we reasoned (and still do), all things happen for reason and whilst I was disappointed I never got to travel on my own or with a partner & finish my studies before a bub, it all worked out for the best. And THEN I could never, ever have imagined the way our lives would go - N going to jail & me becoming a single mum. Never in a million years did I think something like that could ever happen to me. It wasn't even something I'd ever remotely thought about. You know when you see stories on the news and for a fleeting second you imagine what it'd be like if that happened to you (mostly, strangely, macabre stuff for me - death, tragedy, but sometimes winning lotto, i am human after all!), but when I saw stories of people going to jail (especially for fraud given N had been inside for fraud once before) I never, ever thought about that happening to me.
But it did and it has. And then (again!) I never thought I'd actually seriously be considering sleeping with a man whore. I mean, ever, in any context, let alone this one, let alone partly organised & 100% consented by my partner. I mean, I don't think I ever thought they really existed here in the city I live. But they do and there's more and more of then - the demand is growing! I know because I'm a dirty slut and I read the adult services columns in the weekend paper just for fun. *wink*
Fuck me life is weird. Seriously, totally, utterly weird. This morning I was at a toddler course for dealing with the little beings and next weekend I might be having sex. Not only have sex with someone other than my partner, but a prostitute. And just a prostitute, a male one. And not only a male man whore, but one I'm not paying for either! Call my life a lesson in weird things happening!
Hmm, if I read this to N he'll be expecting me to be talking about the actual fucking of/with the man whore. But shit, I can't really think about much. I don't know what he looks like and it's still such a bizarre thought, it's hard to hold it in my head and indulge in it. And then of course, there's the hugely significant fact that I'll be having sex with someone other then the man I truly, madly, deeply love.
Just one teeny, tiny thing there - I won't be having sex with my dear sweet N.
But N & S decided a while ago that in order for this to happen, N has to get something out of it too. Which I think is totally fair enough - the poor guy is suffering enough without sex and life in general in there, and now he's going to let me go off and fuck someone else. he's actually going to endure that. As much as I'm looking forward to it (I'm just being honest!) I'm also dreading it, thinking about how the night will be for N. And for me. How will be both cope with what I'll be doing? So N & S decided there should be some 'terms and conditions' that need to be stipulated. Uh oh I thought - what?! But I do really think they're a good idea.
N has to get something out of it. So he wants 2 T & Cs that specifically will benefit him, and 1 that'll benefit us (I think I have that right). I was a bit confused at 1st and thought he was talking about something I should do with the man whore that would be good for him. I was thinking 'huh?'. But fortunately that's since been clarified (after we cancelled the 1st 'date' with him which was good, otherwise we wouldn't have talked about all this properly). He was meaning anything. Listen to more porn I have, more phone sex etc etc. So I reluctantly agreed (given my stance on phone sex) to give him phone sex 3 times a week for 5 weeks (I said 1 month, he said 2 we settled on 5 weeks). BUT that will only start after thesis is due at end of Oct. Geez, he has alot of faith in me that I'll follow through! lol But if I do actually go ahead and suck and fuck and do all sorts of naughty things with MWN I'll be feeling so incredibly guilty I imagine I'll be willing to do anything!
Change of topic:
Bought 3 sex-related books from Amazon in the last week (The sexual revolution 2.0; Naked on the internet; and Transcendent sex: when lovemaking opens the veil). Credit card probably back up over the limit! I'm seriously debating doing a PhD (providing I get in and get a scholarship - just a minor hiccup!) on something relating to female sexuality, sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual something. But definitely relating to women. Women's issues and bodies will never stop fascinating me. Whether it's weight or eating or our place in this still patriarchal world or sex, we fascinate me.
And reading (and now doing one) so many sex blogs (men's too - they're seriously fantastic!) it's really making me wonder about female sexual expression via sex blogs. Does it change them? Change their sex life? Change the way they are and think about themselves sexually? Does it help? how? how much? Self-reflection and all that, but in a public way (albeit anonymously - a crucial point I think).
Something like that I think... can't quite put my finger on it yet (the exact topic) which is making me panic as I've had over a year to think about it! But my original ideas I found mostly already done and frankly, I'm sick of researching, thinking and talking about women's weight (read: my weight) and psychological factors related to it. I don't believe we gain lots of weight just because we can't be bothered eating right or exercising. Hell, most of us having been on a diet and weight yo-yo treadmill for so long have encyclopedic knowledge of what to eat, what exercise to do etc. But we still don't necessarily do it. But we don't sit where we currently are weight-wise and go 'that's ok, i totally accept and love myself as I am'. Yeah right.
Anyway, sick of that. But not sick of women's issues. N reckons tonnes of women's weight issues (and mine, I'm about a size 14-16) are to do with sex and sexuality. Deep down, I think he's quite right. Amongst other issues though - there is never 1 single cause for anything.
Hmm, think I'll have a little hanky-panky with myself now! he he
So much for study tonight!
Friday, 24 August 2007
My sex life is sex blogs
I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
I'm living my (and our) sex life vicariously through sex blogs. I'm so addicted to them - so many of them are absolutely fantastic. And not just because they're super horny, but because so many people write so well. And the range of topics & particular kinks are truly out of this world. I love sex blogs!
I'm living my (and our) sex life vicariously through sex blogs. I'm so addicted to them - so many of them are absolutely fantastic. And not just because they're super horny, but because so many people write so well. And the range of topics & particular kinks are truly out of this world. I love sex blogs!
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Trapped
A post orgasm rush of thoughts, emotions & feelings
*oh God get me out of here*
I feel so so so so so so trapped. Trapped by the things & people I love. I don't remember ever feeling this way. Lost yes, depressed yes, angry yes, but trapped? Never.
Me...*crying* who was once so independent & free. Fearful of life & hating her body, but FREE.
And then I fell in love. Love is lie. It DECEIVES you. People think 'love will set me free' and all you need is love, but love sucks you in, bleeds you dry and traps you in its seductive web. And before you know it, the lust has past and love has set in. Love that keeps you stuck to that person. Love that lets horrible things happen to you. Love that gives you a relationship, a child and responsibilies. Love that see's you stick around - tied to a string - when they go away for committing a crime. Tied to the phone, tied to my child, tied to my studies - once the thing I loved so much is now feeling like a weight. Is that because it's near the end of my thesis? I felt like this a bit at the end of my other degree. A degree I mostly hated though. The closer you get to the end, the harder it is to finish.
Hmm, that sounds like the ending of a relationship - human; although studying for years makes you in a relationship to books & knowledge. *sigh* I do love knowledge though. I learn & read like a sponge. I do love it.
A ha! There it is again - that pesky little thing called 'love'.
A love my mother - but JESUS MOTHER FUCKING ARSEHOLE CRIST she is truly truly TRULY a weight. A stone tied to my feet dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. I see her helpless, fragile, needy. Her neediness seeping out of her like tentacles; desperately reaching for anyone that passes her, trying to suck them in to help her. And if they do come close to 'help' she never does what they ask.
So you drown...sink sink sink to the bottom.
Love ties you down, drags you down, keeps you attached to everything.
When I came watching 20 second porn of a girl getting ass-fucked on a chair legs behind ears, her ass hanging off the edge, pussy lips swollen in excitement, I wanted to rush outside & breath in the night air and just GO.
I used to do that all the time. Night air used to be so important to me. I'd die without it (notice I'm not saying that L word). 100% one of my all-time favourite smells, night air. When you've been inside for hours & you open the door & quickly in rushes the fresh, distinct smell of the stars & velvet sky. In a few seconds it's gone, my olfactory cells adapting swiftly to a new, but familiar smell.
I'd go walking at night, driving at night to the beach, to see the moon. The colder the better - all the more to rug up in and feel the cutting briskness of the air try to slice me. But I'd be protected and warm; you can't get me.
Protected and warm.... protected like my weight? By excess body fat a protection?
*oh God get me out of here*
I feel so so so so so so trapped. Trapped by the things & people I love. I don't remember ever feeling this way. Lost yes, depressed yes, angry yes, but trapped? Never.
Me...*crying* who was once so independent & free. Fearful of life & hating her body, but FREE.
And then I fell in love. Love is lie. It DECEIVES you. People think 'love will set me free' and all you need is love, but love sucks you in, bleeds you dry and traps you in its seductive web. And before you know it, the lust has past and love has set in. Love that keeps you stuck to that person. Love that lets horrible things happen to you. Love that gives you a relationship, a child and responsibilies. Love that see's you stick around - tied to a string - when they go away for committing a crime. Tied to the phone, tied to my child, tied to my studies - once the thing I loved so much is now feeling like a weight. Is that because it's near the end of my thesis? I felt like this a bit at the end of my other degree. A degree I mostly hated though. The closer you get to the end, the harder it is to finish.
Hmm, that sounds like the ending of a relationship - human; although studying for years makes you in a relationship to books & knowledge. *sigh* I do love knowledge though. I learn & read like a sponge. I do love it.
A ha! There it is again - that pesky little thing called 'love'.
A love my mother - but JESUS MOTHER FUCKING ARSEHOLE CRIST she is truly truly TRULY a weight. A stone tied to my feet dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. I see her helpless, fragile, needy. Her neediness seeping out of her like tentacles; desperately reaching for anyone that passes her, trying to suck them in to help her. And if they do come close to 'help' she never does what they ask.
So you drown...sink sink sink to the bottom.
Love ties you down, drags you down, keeps you attached to everything.
When I came watching 20 second porn of a girl getting ass-fucked on a chair legs behind ears, her ass hanging off the edge, pussy lips swollen in excitement, I wanted to rush outside & breath in the night air and just GO.
I used to do that all the time. Night air used to be so important to me. I'd die without it (notice I'm not saying that L word). 100% one of my all-time favourite smells, night air. When you've been inside for hours & you open the door & quickly in rushes the fresh, distinct smell of the stars & velvet sky. In a few seconds it's gone, my olfactory cells adapting swiftly to a new, but familiar smell.
I'd go walking at night, driving at night to the beach, to see the moon. The colder the better - all the more to rug up in and feel the cutting briskness of the air try to slice me. But I'd be protected and warm; you can't get me.
Protected and warm.... protected like my weight? By excess body fat a protection?
Long time no blog
Fuck my life is busy, stressful, crazy, annoying.
Just been so overwhelmed by what seems like everything.
God I can be so dramatic!
Sex? Masturbation? Phone sex? Are you serious? With this much shit going on?? Having said that I took a leaf out of N's book & wanked for (what I thought would be) for stress relief. But turns out when I came I instantly thought 'take me away' and starting crying......
My life, relative only to my life, can be so tough; such hard work; so emotionally exhausting. I want a break; I want to be taken away. That's why I've been thinking about the man whore again & now S is going to ask him again for N & I to set up another date, and this time, hopefully, it'll happen.
I can't believe I said that. I can but I can't. I want it, but I don't. I want it because I NEED to get away from this crazy life - even for a few hours. I don't have money, I don't have many choices and I do have a toddler & study commitments. I can't just up & leave on a holiday. And gee, by myself & toddler? Er...no. But then again, I don't want to do it because - remember - I am actually in a relationship. Albeit a fucking strange one that exists in a physically-dead, emotionally alive, 100% no-sex zone. Yes that would be a prison.
Shit, shit, shit. I can cut myself off for one night can't I? Not think about my life...not think about N and what this is doing to him, to me, to US. Would I be human though if I could cut myself off that easily? Sometimes I think I'm capable of that; and that scares me. But then I realise I'm just kidding myself - I'm not a sociopath after all. I do have a conscience, I do feel (serious) guilt. Never could fucking lie. Can't really say the same for N! Now I feel like a bitch...
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Either way I turn in my life I feel it.
But then I turn around in my head again & think 'yes, but (quiet possibly) another 3 years without sex? Without any sort of physical intimacy?' and the weird thing is, before N put the man whore idea in my head, I think I could have well & truly done that. Because I love him. I had resigned myself to that if I am to stay with him. But then he suggested for stress relief, fucking the man whore. We were heading down that track anyway weren't we? Threesomes, more adventures. Ironic how him being in jail has somehow made us MORE adventurous in some ways. But maybe that's only in our heads - because we're not getting any, we've become little fantasy-ites. Living in la-la land to cope with what has happened to our relationship.
Is the man whore just another fantasy that could be fatal in acted out???
But shit, why can't I have it? Why not? After all I'm going through, gone through and will go through.
Just been so overwhelmed by what seems like everything.
God I can be so dramatic!
Sex? Masturbation? Phone sex? Are you serious? With this much shit going on?? Having said that I took a leaf out of N's book & wanked for (what I thought would be) for stress relief. But turns out when I came I instantly thought 'take me away' and starting crying......
My life, relative only to my life, can be so tough; such hard work; so emotionally exhausting. I want a break; I want to be taken away. That's why I've been thinking about the man whore again & now S is going to ask him again for N & I to set up another date, and this time, hopefully, it'll happen.
I can't believe I said that. I can but I can't. I want it, but I don't. I want it because I NEED to get away from this crazy life - even for a few hours. I don't have money, I don't have many choices and I do have a toddler & study commitments. I can't just up & leave on a holiday. And gee, by myself & toddler? Er...no. But then again, I don't want to do it because - remember - I am actually in a relationship. Albeit a fucking strange one that exists in a physically-dead, emotionally alive, 100% no-sex zone. Yes that would be a prison.
Shit, shit, shit. I can cut myself off for one night can't I? Not think about my life...not think about N and what this is doing to him, to me, to US. Would I be human though if I could cut myself off that easily? Sometimes I think I'm capable of that; and that scares me. But then I realise I'm just kidding myself - I'm not a sociopath after all. I do have a conscience, I do feel (serious) guilt. Never could fucking lie. Can't really say the same for N! Now I feel like a bitch...
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Either way I turn in my life I feel it.
But then I turn around in my head again & think 'yes, but (quiet possibly) another 3 years without sex? Without any sort of physical intimacy?' and the weird thing is, before N put the man whore idea in my head, I think I could have well & truly done that. Because I love him. I had resigned myself to that if I am to stay with him. But then he suggested for stress relief, fucking the man whore. We were heading down that track anyway weren't we? Threesomes, more adventures. Ironic how him being in jail has somehow made us MORE adventurous in some ways. But maybe that's only in our heads - because we're not getting any, we've become little fantasy-ites. Living in la-la land to cope with what has happened to our relationship.
Is the man whore just another fantasy that could be fatal in acted out???
But shit, why can't I have it? Why not? After all I'm going through, gone through and will go through.
Sunday, 5 August 2007
50 reasons
N & I were talking today after I'd read excerpts to him from a fantastic book I bought from Amazon.com called 'Sex & love in intimate relationships' by Firestone, Firestone & Catlett. I'm going to photocopy as much as I can for him - he'd love it. He's said in the past he would genuinely love to study sexology, human sexuality etc., and not just because he's a high-sexed guy! He truly believes that sex & sexuality lies at the heart of every human and is essentially what makes us or breaks us. In our little 'therapy' sessions we've focused alot on me & my sexuality as he believes (as I do, but from a different perspective than him as he can see me from an outside perspective) alot of my weight & self-confidence issues are tied up with my sexuality. So far from what I've read in this book they entirely agree with him (not about weight, that's a different area) - sex & sexuality underpins everything we are. I'd love to talk more about the book, and I will, but not right now as I wanted this post to be about N.
As I was saying N & I were talking this arvo about this book & I read him a bit from the chapter on love & in particular a vivid description a man gives of love & loving his wife still, after 25 years. It was very moving & inspiring. I asked N something a bit confronting really - why does he think I still love him & stay with him despite all that he's put me through? Seriously, does he have any idea why? Obviously I love him; but why? What is it specifically? We didn't quite get round to discussing things more fully - and why he particularly loves me (although that's obvious - I've stuck by him through all he's crap, he's got to love me! he he).
But I've often thought that too - what is it about N that i love so much I'm willing to make the sacrifices I have? Despite the betrayals & deception (about his business, specifically not telling me things that were happening). People break up all the time from much lessor things. 'Plenty more fish in the sea' and really, quite literally I guess there is. I admitted to N i had thought thoughts such as 'do I not break up with him because I'm scared of being alone? because I don't think I'll find anyone who understands me as much as he does? Puts up with me? Because we have a child?' I think these are all classic thoughts people tell themselves when debating whether to stay or go. Plus avoiding the intense emotional pain break-ups bring & the 'i'll never get over them' fears. So why do I love him? I thought I'd write as many reasons as I can down. Then read them to him - I've been reading him my blogs anyway which has been great as I tend to express myself alot better in writing, so reading aloud to him my writings gives him greater insight into me too.
Here goes:
As I was saying N & I were talking this arvo about this book & I read him a bit from the chapter on love & in particular a vivid description a man gives of love & loving his wife still, after 25 years. It was very moving & inspiring. I asked N something a bit confronting really - why does he think I still love him & stay with him despite all that he's put me through? Seriously, does he have any idea why? Obviously I love him; but why? What is it specifically? We didn't quite get round to discussing things more fully - and why he particularly loves me (although that's obvious - I've stuck by him through all he's crap, he's got to love me! he he).
But I've often thought that too - what is it about N that i love so much I'm willing to make the sacrifices I have? Despite the betrayals & deception (about his business, specifically not telling me things that were happening). People break up all the time from much lessor things. 'Plenty more fish in the sea' and really, quite literally I guess there is. I admitted to N i had thought thoughts such as 'do I not break up with him because I'm scared of being alone? because I don't think I'll find anyone who understands me as much as he does? Puts up with me? Because we have a child?' I think these are all classic thoughts people tell themselves when debating whether to stay or go. Plus avoiding the intense emotional pain break-ups bring & the 'i'll never get over them' fears. So why do I love him? I thought I'd write as many reasons as I can down. Then read them to him - I've been reading him my blogs anyway which has been great as I tend to express myself alot better in writing, so reading aloud to him my writings gives him greater insight into me too.
Here goes:
- He's kind
- He's generous
- He's sweet
- He's very cute & good looking
- He's tall & masculine
- He's gentle but strong
- He's fucking amazing in bed & is sexually adventurous
- He really listens to me & understands me
- He loves all of me
- He thinks my body is the sexiest thing ever
- He loves me when I look gross, smell gross & say gross things
- He's very open-minded
- He's self-aware
- He's had therapy & is willing to do more
- He's spiritual & has similar beliefs as me
- He'll do anything to make me come
- He thinks me coming is more important then him coming
- He's smells good
- He's incredibly creative, artisitic & talented at what he does
- He's a hard-worker & is dedicated to his work
- He's very passionate - in work, love & sex
- He's very considerate of others
- He's willing to look at & admit his faults & is open to change
- He's totally & utterly supportive of me & what I want to do in life
- He's patient
- He see's the flaws in his childhood & wants our son to not experience those
- He tolerates my moodiness
- He buys me flowers
- He's thinks it's important I be showered with gifts
- He understands how important my friends are & supports me in my friendships
- He's willing to go to men's groups & is open to that
- He wants to give me 'everything'
- He has new awareness into his past behaviours (business) and has made many steps to change
- He's studying & expanding his mind
- He writes beautiful & horny letters to me
- He loves porn as much as I do
- He's very aware of sexuality and not just sex
- He's not into sport or being at the pub every night & is not a typical Aussie bloke
- He can really dance
- He struggles to jerk off to pictures of strange (but beautiful) women and would rather have a picture of me
- He thinks my farts are cute
- He's uniquely supportive of me through my weight & body 'journey'
- He's been suportive of me through every diet, every time I've vowed never to diet again, my body loathing & loving & changing
- He's loved me at the biggest I've ever been & the smallest he's ever seen me
- He wants to 'take care of me' and take me around the world & build me a beautiful house
- He's thoughtful & romantic
- He sends me cards
- He wants to have more babies with me
- He's tried a yoga class with me
- He's the fucking sexist guy I've ever met
Isn't love amazing? :)
Thursday, 2 August 2007
Happy b'day to me
It's my birthday tomorrow. Yay!! Although sad as always as N not here. Although he did manage to have this HUGE bunch of orchids delivered. So kind... I really miss getting flowers; he used to give me flowers alot. And got cards in the mail from him & TS. And other family & friends too, so I've been feeling really good.
This week has been much better than last few weeks. Saw my counsellor again & my Uni supervisor, which has really gotten me back on track.
We had phone sex today as it's been a while. He complains that I don't let him listen to any of the new porn I get so I put some on & sat close to the TV so he & I could listen together. Was fun but annoying after a while being so close to the TV. So I switched it off & stuck the cock (which was on the TV) on the leg of the table & got on all 4's to suck it. mmmm... Came with it in my arse. Naughty!
Today out of the blue, quite jokingly he said 'bitch' to me. Very unlike him, even if we're arguing. But I'd told him I'd been reading some blogs on domination & submission so I think he kind of took that up. I must admit I quite liked it. because I know there's no malice or anything behind it, just fun. I hate it when he calls me 'girl', but love it in phone sex when he tells me I'm a 'good girl' (sucking cock, taking it in my arse etc). weird how 1 simple word can make all the difference.
I confess I've been thinking again about the man whore. I admitted it to N too. So... we've been thinking about it again. Don't know if that's right or wrong or what... we both want it to happen but don't - because we love each other & are scared of the repercussions...
Hmm, had a few red wines tonight & don't feel I'm writing that well, but just wanted to sign in. Bye bye!
This week has been much better than last few weeks. Saw my counsellor again & my Uni supervisor, which has really gotten me back on track.
We had phone sex today as it's been a while. He complains that I don't let him listen to any of the new porn I get so I put some on & sat close to the TV so he & I could listen together. Was fun but annoying after a while being so close to the TV. So I switched it off & stuck the cock (which was on the TV) on the leg of the table & got on all 4's to suck it. mmmm... Came with it in my arse. Naughty!
Today out of the blue, quite jokingly he said 'bitch' to me. Very unlike him, even if we're arguing. But I'd told him I'd been reading some blogs on domination & submission so I think he kind of took that up. I must admit I quite liked it. because I know there's no malice or anything behind it, just fun. I hate it when he calls me 'girl', but love it in phone sex when he tells me I'm a 'good girl' (sucking cock, taking it in my arse etc). weird how 1 simple word can make all the difference.
I confess I've been thinking again about the man whore. I admitted it to N too. So... we've been thinking about it again. Don't know if that's right or wrong or what... we both want it to happen but don't - because we love each other & are scared of the repercussions...
Hmm, had a few red wines tonight & don't feel I'm writing that well, but just wanted to sign in. Bye bye!
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