I'm in a prison too

It's been a really fucking awful week. Possibly one of the worst I've had so far since N's been inside. I wanted this blog to be mainly about sex & naughty stuff, but I have also said in my title 'relationships' and since so much of my life is effected by trying to negotiate life & a relationship with someone in jail, I can't help but write about it and how much it affects my life.
Toddler son being sick - and now me too, still have a blocked right ear - has been hugely stressful and demanding. With him sleeping in my bed most nights & just being so clingy generally (b/c of being sick) I've been getting little sleep & no time for ME. A few nights ago as he had woken up yet again & I was trying to settle him, I cradled him in my arms at 2am in his room, rocking him & rocking me as my tears feel silently & profusely down my face. I felt so trapped, so suffocated and so ANGRY. I felt pure rage at N for putting me in this position. I didn't sign up for this, I thought. How dare he do this to me? Every single day of my life now is swallowed up by being a single parent & struggling to survive in this challenging life I now lead.
If he loves me so much why is he doing this to me? Not exactly rational thoughts as I know intellectually that it's not like he purposely doing anything to me or purposely ever intended to hurt anyone. But don't they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions?
This past week I've felt myself slipping & slidding once again into a depression. Felt the pressures of my life start to crush me. As I've been screaming down the phone to N and yelling at toddler son (TS) as my patience wears down, I hated myself & my life. I've felt like a terrible mother. The poor little thing, he doesn't deserve this. Having him home from day care (MIL took him Wed thank GOD) & virtually full time has driven me to near insantity. And he's mostly a good kid for Christ's sake. But him being sick and nearly 3 - I've heard 3 is worse then the 'terrible 2's - and now really becoming a 'boy' with all the energy that entails has stretched me to breaking point.
I've had thoughts of 'why the fuck would anyone actually want to be a parent?' and 'how the fuck did my life end up this way?' and 'how the FUCK does anyone chose to stay at home and be a full time parent???' That shit is fucked up. I just don't have the patience. I've always thought parenting is almost purely about patience. And other p's too - praise and positivity. Maybe I'm just a selfish, selfish person. Maybe I shouldn't have had a kid... God, am I really thinking that?
And all my anger has been directed at N. So much for the all the forgiveness stuff I wrote about a few blogs ago. When you're living it on a daily basis, it's so fucking hard to feel warm and fuzzy and in love.
I've truly hated myself this week as I yelled at TS and threw things around his room in frustration. Hating that he's witnessing my inappropriate behaviour. What kind of a parent am I? What kind of a role model? He's sick, I should be more tolerant, I should be more patient. But while his nose has been running, his little legs and brain have been runnning too and once over his fever he's returned (thank God really) to his normal energetic self. Testing my limits & boundaries - a perfectly normal thing for a toddler to do.
But he has a mummy in a prefectly abnormal situation & abnormal life.
This week too I've really felt a strong sense of watching as my dreams of the future drain out of me from sheer exhaustion. I've had so little motivation to work on my thesis. Something I was once so passionate about now no longer grabs me. And I fucking hate that. Hate that life over the past year and a half has drained things from me. My energy, my drive, my passion. I'm in a prison too - watching as all my dreams start to fade. Watching my thoughts as I start to think 'ok life, you won. I can't be bothererd anymore. I don't have the energy to keep going'.
And I hate that. Hate that I'm starting to not care anymore. Hate that something I once was looking forward to - doing a PhD - is something I now think 'whatever'. If it's meant to happen it will, but only with a scholarship as financially and emotionally I just CAN'T keep going like this. If I don't get it I'll find a part time job. I've got 2 degree's for fucks sake. One with Honours. I've got work experience - although that was a while ago... I really love research, but maybe (and I can't BELIEVE I'm now thinking this) this isn't the right time to start a PhD. Maybe in the future when my life has calmed down I'll do it. But will I? Really? Realistically that would probably only be when N is out & working & earning heaps of money. Is that going to happen? How do I know? Will we even still be together - can I make through all this?
I hate that life's experiences is beating me down. beating out my optimism (and I would say I'm usually a very optimistic person, even in the face of sheer crap) and my goals. I hate that youthful enthusiasm and naivity really can get squashed by the harsh realities of life. I'm a kid at heart (my moon is in Gemini) but lately I feel like a jaded adult. Feeling like every day N is in prison he's hurting me and I want to hurt him back. So much for forgiveness.
Last night was the night I was supposed to be having sex with the man whore. But as we'd decided against it I went out to dinner, wine & movies with girlfriend T. Was very fun. She's single at 30 (I'm 32 this coming friday) and feeling very jaded by men and life too. God how did we end up this way???
I punished N yesterday by not going up to visit him with TS. Am supposed to be going today at 1pm and probably will as TS still stayed over at his grandparents so I could have the night off. I screamed down the phone the other day 'I should've gone ahead and met MWN and fucked him stupid all night and made you suffer the way you make me suffer'. I really really felt that, my rage at him was so huge. Life for me seems to be getting harder the longer he's away. Which I'm truly surprised at. I seem to be going backwards emotionally with the whole prison thing. How do women honestly sustain and hang in there whilst their partner is in jail? How do they negotiate the radical change in the relationship landscape??? If they chose to stay, how do they deal with it? If it's 1 year, 3 years, 10 years? How?? Possible PhD topic right there.
I think another thing too that's been adding to everything this week is that I've been reading heaps of sex blogs which I REALLY REALLY love and have been having fun with. But I can't believe it, they've started to make me feel worse and even more sad that all these things people are getting up too - all the things N and I so desperately want to do - I can't. It's only reminding me of the life I lead without sex. It's making me more obsessed with it - which I thought was a good thing as I was feeling quite muted with it all - but it's having a negative effect on me.
*ooohhh* Just had a realisation - maybe why I have so muted with it and so disliking of phone sex is b/c subconsciously I've been trying to protect myself from these feelings of sadness and longing that have come up. Protect myself from being reminded of all the things I (and I & N) can't do while he's in prison. Why fucking remind yourself of that? Why torture yourself by your fantasies and wishful, lustful thinking? Isn't it better to try and switch it all off and save yourself the pain? Hmm...

Haven't seen counsellor for 2 weeks and I think that too has really affected me. Thank God she's free (she's in training for some new type of therapy so she's filming me but I don't care) but when it ends on Nov I don't know how I'll cope.... Maybe things'll better then, maybe I'll be feeling stronger... who knows?

Another poem to N

Let me be your little slut
Let me be your whore
I will do it all for you
Coz it’s you that I adore

Turn me inside out with lust
And you’ll have me on my knees
Tease my tiny tight brown hole
Until I’m begging please

Shatter all my walls, my pride
Take me to a place
Where cock is all I need to have
Then cum right on my face

Tie me up and hold me back
Til I’m dripping wet with need
Give it to me everywhere
Then fill me with your seed

Then when it comes to my turn
To play with you at will
I’ll lick and suck and squeeze and taste
Til near I’ve had my fill

Holding apart my smooth round cheeks
I will face you away
Then lower my ass upon your cock
And you’ll have nothing left to say

I’ll lick it clean and taste myself
Smothered on your shaft
Then slow & deep we go again
To finish hard and fast

My darling, my honey
My sweet sweet love
I need you all inside of me
You fit me like a glove.

Poem to N

To my darling punkin
I love you so so much
You help me find all parts of me
Both in & out as such

I love your sexy smile
You hair, your eyes, your lips
I love the words that come from you
Of which I take great sips

Each day we talk and talk and talk
And upon your heart I knock
But even better, though far apart
I always desire your cock

I need your shaft, your balls, your sperm
To fill me deep inside
I want you to see all of me
So there’s nothing I can hide

Kiss me kiss me kiss me hard
Kiss me soft and sweet
Kiss me where the sun don’t shine
And where you love to eat

Lick me with the words you say
And make me scream for you
I’ll make you come so fucking hard
You won’t know what to do

Share me with your special friends
And exploring we will go
Make me take and beg for more
From two or three you know

Taste my ass, my pussy, my mouth
And I’ll gladly taste all yours
Do me on the kitchen bench
Then do me on all fours

Fuck me hard all day and night
Then look me in the eyes
Ease it slowly in and out
Until you hear my cries

Come inside me over and over
I want us to be one
Make me come along the way
Don’t stop until we’re done.

Post orgasm drifting

mmmm...I can taste my pussy on my fingers.

Just spent 45 min's wasting my broadband connection by downloading short (anal) clips. Why do I do this?? Just slows everything down & I am getting new porn in a few days.
Answer: I'm obsessed.

Half way through toddler woke up AGAIN (woke up twice last night as I was trying to come - eventually I gave up) & I thought 'you've got to be fucking joking!' I mean, poor little guy full of a cold & sore throat, but Jesus Christ I'm going out of my mind!
I settled him back down & returned to this faithful computer & headphones and went for it. When I finally did come a few moments ago (from an ATM scene) I was thinking 'oh my God thank God!' and 'I wonder if this is how N feels after finally having phone sex with me after a while?' Hmm, I think I see it differently down, because I felt such relief and that I could take on anything. ie. Now that I've come, I can handle another sleepless night with toddler (if it has to be this way!).
Sure, N wanks alot in there - you have to! And I've joked to him: shit, there must be a hellova lot of wanking going on in there, I'm surprised the walls aren't shaking!). But as I've said before, he finds phone sex to be a connection with me; something that literally unblocks his sinuses and de-stresses him. I read somewhere once that orgasm & sex can have an anti-histamine effect on the body, so we presume that's what it is.
Oh my poor sweet N...God I can be such a bitch.
But seriously, I feel so fucking stressed and exhausted all the time. I get so little time to myself & giving to everyone else, when I have days off spending an hour doing phone sex frustrates and annoys me alot of the time.
It's so hard though - he is my partner & I want him to be happy in this shitty situation, but when do I get time for me? I've seriously never worked so hard in my life. Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet I've decided.
I've just got out another book by Thomas Moore called 'Dark nights of the soul'. It was recommended to me and both N & I really feel this is what we're going through at present. Something that challenges you to your deepest core. Something which you may or may not survive, and something that can go on & on. Definitely sounds like my life!

God doesn't want me to masturbate

*sigh* Been a few days since last blogged, as lots going on. ie:

• Sex with man whore abandoned after much d & m's with N


• Ongoing dramas with loopy mother


• Toddler son sick (rush to hospital, but all OK)


• Now I'm sick dammit!


• Stressing about thesis as zero work done on it recently

And I have sooo much to do.... Typical!

Been getting friskier & friskier as haven't had chance to enjoy myself as been literally looking after son 24 hours/day - even sleeping with me as he won't settle. Fucking hell it's killing me not having ANY time to myself. No day care today as he's still sick (little raspy voice - quite cute!) .

Last masturbated last wednesday morning at - wait for it - 6am!! Totally unlike me as:

a) Never awake at this time

b) If I am, toddler son has usually crept into bed with me

But I had woken up early as was excited about the day's shopping ahead of me after receiving extra $$ from government for child care. Christ, the govt is paying for my knickers and bras! Money well spent then isn't it?

Decided last night I needed compensation since no longer having sex this weekend (which is a good thing) and am back to not knowing when the next time it'll be N and I will bonk. As I was saying to N, I was quite used to this and quite prepared to wait (see previous blog on deciding to stay with someone who has hurt you & on forgiveness etc), so really, we're just back to that.

Feeling to crap to go into details, but I kept saying to N 'are you sure you want me to do this? You can say no, it's really ok'. And he kept reassuring me it was all good. But then on sunday morning during our 1st phone call of the day, I asked what he'd been thinking that previous night and he confessed he'd been imaging that in a week from now I'd be having drinks with MWN, then going to a club, then maybe sucking his cock, then maybe fucking him etc. And the more the thought about it intimately and imagined what he'd be going through next saturday night, the more he felt uneasy. In fact, he said his intuition was saying to him 'careful, careful, careful' despite his head & cock thinking it was exciting.

I really respect N for listening to his intuition. He's naturally quite psychic when he tunes into himself (he had guys completely out of the blue coming up to him in prison & asking for readings. he would say 'yeah, but I don't really know what I'm doing'. But would just sit with them, close his eyes and get these images & thoughts & tell them to the guy, and they'd turn out to be totally spot on! Weird...)

His also said he got a blood nose - I think from the stress of it, despite it being exciting. Quietly listening to him say these things it became very obvious that this whole thing was a not-so-good idea at this point in time. I've always said to him, yes I will 100% meet this guy, but I can't say yes or no either way that i would go through with having sex with him. God knows, the thought of it thrills me - but then again the thought of just having sex again thrills me! I've always thought deep down inside, that when kiss comes to suck comes to fuck, I would probably back out. The whole situation would just remind me that it's not N I'm sleeping with - and I would start bawling my eyes out.

No amount of alcohol could stop me thinking about N. He's the man I love and he's the man who loves me. Yes, we want to have threesomes and all that, but not like this, not this way. This isn't even a threesome for Christs sake! We agreed that we should definitely do a threesome 1st (with S - he said to N after N had told him we were not going to go ahead with it, that he was secretly happy as it would mean HE would be the one to 'deflower' me into a double cock situation. he he! I told N to tell him, congratulations!) and then consider a situation like this. What we were thinking about here was really quite an advanced thing. The thought of not having N at least in the room when/if I'm with another guy, let alone participating, is really is not what he or I want.

So! I must say (& I told him) I don't feel disappointed. Which to me is a sign that it's the right thing for us to have done - to not do it. I said to N that maybe this was the Universe saying 'ok, you guys talk about alot of sex stuff, here's a situation I'll set up for you, but ultimately it's up to YOU as a COUPLE to decide'. And I feel we did and we passed. yay for us! I'm proud of N for being that honest with me and you know, I really pleased he couldn't handle it after all. This man loves me.

So...I consoled myself (even though I wasn't that inconsolable, but who cares!) buy buying some more anal porn. he he! Fuck I love the stuff... http://www.adultshop.com/ had some good specials & I justified putting more stuff on the credit card by only buying on sale stuff. Maybe I should buy some more toys?? hmm...

Oh my God it's on!!

Holy shit!!! It's finally all organised & locked in - I'll be meeting & quite probably screwing man whore N on saturday night 28th July!! Yesterday afternoon N's friend S called his fellow man whore (also) N to confirm the date. MWN had previously said he was pretty sure that that saturday night was good, but had to check with a client she hadn't booked him for the night (how weird does that sound?!!) & turns out he's free - for me!
Then today the MIL had toddler son as usual & I asked her this morning if she could take him for a sleepover that night. She was the last link in the chain as son has only ever slept over there. Part of our plan is that I come up after (hopefully!) fucking MWN all night and see N so he can see me freshly fucked & everything. He doesn't want me to have a shower afterwards so he can see and smell the sex on me freshly fucked. But then we talked about it today (I'd already said I'd definitely be washing my make-up off though - not negotiable in my books) he said maybe that was being unrealisitc as MWN might screw me in the shower!! And I'm planning to visit him at 1pm that sunday, not 10am as usual (am taking toddler son for visit on the saturday instead of usual sunday visit, so I'll be going up both days) so he can see me straight away, and if I've been up all night I'll be needing a shower i think!
I have no doubt I'll be feeling very emotional both saturday before, and sunday after, the event. My God, I'll be having sex with a man outside of our relationship.... whoa
I know now I sound quite 'perfectly normal' about it all, and I also feel like I've been able to detach from any emotions associated with it. After getting over the initial fun of the idea, and then the seriousness of actually going through with it and dealing with those emotions, now I'm just excited! And N wants to hear me excited - he is too, but I think we're both still nervous about what we're actually doing here. It scares me a bit how easily I've been able to get excited about it and seperate out N from the equation. But I have to - this is such a unique situation and totally instigated by N & S inside. But most importantly, I said yes and now it's all on! Arhh!!
I've joked to N that I feel like I'll be MWN's 'sympathy fuck'. I mean because he'll be paying for everything (thank God) which is obviously totally opposite to how it usually works for him. Women pay him to have sex with them. Jesus christ he must be incredible in bed & pretty good looking. Holly crap!! What's he going to think of me??
Apparently he's got a plan is for the evening. Meet at around 7.30pm at a bar in the west end of town. Then move onto a nearby funky club for cocktails. I get real sleazy on cocktails! Case in point: N & I went to this same bar about 3 years ago & he & his friend bought me Cosmospolitan after Cosmopolitan (I love them!) and I was seriously drunk. I think I had about 8 - I'm surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning! We were all sitting around a table or something (the night is hazy) & next to me was some guy I barely knew, and I had my hand on his leg with N standing right there! What was I thinking?? Oh that's right, I wasn't - brain cells were being obliterated by alcohol! Another guy was saying to N 'look at your girlfriend mate, what's she's doing?!' but N was pretty cool about it and (nicely) decided we should leave. Thankfully he wasn't mad at me as he knew how drunk I was (it was HIS fault after all! lol) and what I was like when really drunk.

I don't want to get really pissed with this guy. I mean, I will definitely have a few drinks - the whole point is to have a fun night - but I don't want to make an idiot of myself and whilst I definitely feel more confident & sexy after a few, I think my sexual responsiveness is lessoned with too much alcohol. Same thing for men who can't get it up when really pissed. I going to be fucking nervous - shit, I'll probably be blushing like mad - so a drink or 2 will be a great social lubricant. Plus, I've had way too many one night stands and bad sex because I was too drunk & had little self respect. This is completely different though, in just about every way.

*Psychoanalysis alert* :
God, I wonder what it's going to be like? Will I really be able to have sex with another man - albeit a professional? I want to, N wants me to, but can I? When we seriously began considering the idea (or more accurately when I began seriously considering the idea, N wanted me to right from the start - how sweet!) I started to think 'you know, this might actually be a good opportunity for sexual therapy and healing', seriously. Alot of the 'therapy' N & I have been doing has been about our (mostly my) past relationships & sexual experiences. N thinks (& I do to) I still have alot of surpressed sexual energy in me - which I have covered up with excess weight and tried to hide from and hide from the world. I was always very sexual with myself (masturbating, loving porn, dressing up at home) was so excruciatingly embarrassed about myself with another person. Which just breaks my heart. I wasn't that fat - I just thought I was. But more to the point, I hated myself.
N and I have both done a 'timeline' of our lives up to the present day, focusing mainly on sex and relationhips, but also jobs, where living and other major life events occuring at the time. It was very fascinating to do for myself and for N too, and great to read each others. So much of the past just gets lost - who was I with then? Where was I living? What job was I at? Writing it down - and blogging or journalling is excellent for this - keeps it all intact. N also (& I asked him for some of his) asked me to write about specific sexual experiences with past men. At first I happily did it - I do love therapy! - but then as I was writing them (at different times) I found them very sad to do. Like I said, so much of it was drunken one night stands. N noticed that what I had written barely including any sex. I was surprised when he said that as I never realised that. But yeah, I suddenly thought, I don't actually remember much of the sex - it was that bad for me. And up until meeting my ex when I was (wait let me check my timeline, I can't remember!) 24, I'd never had an orgasm with a man (or woman for that matter, but I'm hetero so I always mean man unless otherwise stated). I was sooo used to coming by myself and having all sorts of fun on my own, sharing it with someone else seemed very confronting and scary. I was scared to let someone else in that close - to be that vulnerable with a guy. It was weird as I know pretty much all men and some women come every time the have sex - that's pretty much the point (unless you're doing Tantra or something similar) and yet I had made it very difficult for myself to do that and had built a wall up around myself (and you could physically see it as a layer of fat - keep away). I've always wondered in the back of my mind about my thighs and (as they touch and rub) if (especially as my calves are beautiful and shapely and slim) having lots of weight on my upper thighs was a subconcious thing to 'shut off' my vagina to men and the world. I'd had a few bad experiences and broken hearts (haevn't we all?) and I think maybe carrying alot of weight on my thighs is a way of expressing that. ie. that whilst I'd slept with quite a few men (nearly 20, soon to be 1 more!!) I'd hardly ever had great (let alone mind-blowing) sex. I certainly wasn't sexually open or accepting of my sexuality. And yet I love being a woman and being sexy and feminine. If I hated my body, how could I be?

Hmm...

Speaking of being sexy and feminine, I went shopping yesterday AND today after paying off major bills and actually bought some things for me. Thank you government for lump sum payments! I bought 2 bra's yesterday & 1 today. And 4 pairs of knickers. Shops are all having mega sales so I snapped up some great bargins - some tops too, nothing over $15! A beautiful blue lacey sheer bra & 3 matching knickers ($5 for knickers - usually around 20!) exactly the same as a pink one i already own. I've always wanted matching bra & knicker sets, but could never afford it, but at these prices I can! I also got a sports bra (doesn't count really!) and today a gorgeous lacey burdandy and red bra. I really love that one. Couldd't find any matching knickers though.
*sigh* Wish I had stacks of (self and N made) money (after putting some in savings , I should be sensible!) and could buy really gorgeous and top quality lingerie. I love the stuff. Got some nice cami's and suspender belts & had some stay-ups stockings (til they tore during vigorous self-love sessions!) but have barely worn them for nearly a year and a half since N's been away. It's like everything goes when your partner goes. I mean, if you're not having physical sex why bother? Which is shocking really, as it's really taken from me, ME, this past year. I been forced into a totally different life of juggling single-parenthood, Uni studies, a mentlly-ill mother, living off crap Centrelink payments in a 'booming economy' which is great if you earn $$ but awful if you're on the lower end of the spectrum - rents are shocking, AND trying to hold together a relationship with my partner in jail. Jesus, no wonder I felt like I was slidding downwards a few weeks ago. Actually that little major stress and near-depression attack is what initiated this whole thing with MWN. N was getting very worried about me and incredibly kindly was desperately trying to think of what he could do to help me, from his helpless position. OK, sex with a male escort would not have been the 1st thing that springs to mind (but then again, I'm not a man!) but now, well! Oh my God it's just what i need.

Oh honey, why can't we just have sex? Why is this happening to us??

I love you all the stars in the Universe my darling.... Y Y Y

Filthy phone sex

Yesterday N & I had an amazing phone sex session. I was actually in the mood for it, having not had an orgasm for a few days. Plus, keeping this blog & reading other sex-blogs (& reading them over the phone to N) is making me feel generally more frisky. Which is great! And primarily, it's thought of sex with man whore N in a couple of weeks (not yet confirmed though - hopefully it will be tomorrow, and then I hope the MIL can have son for a sleepover so his mummy can do naughty things!!) that is making both N & I very horny.



Phone sex with us starts off usually with me sticking my stick-on natural cock & balls to the wall above my bed & me sucking away. *sigh* it does get me frisky & wet, but I really REALLY miss kissing. But, we can't do that right now, so this is the next best thing over the phone. This time though I read to him some of Anal Amy's blog - she's an anal slut! (And I mean that in a good way lol) Right up our alley - literally *devious smile*

After the reading I retired to the bedroom and sucked on the toy while he whispered naughty things in my ear. I started to get horny & slid my hand down my pants (I was lying on my tummy) to touch my clitoris. I keep thinking of my 'new' stripper shoes & told N I was going to put them on - they make me feel sooo sexy. I took off my knickers & trackies & put on my shoes. Fuck they look amazing.

I stuck the toy on the wall that sticks out from the built-in-robe & returned to swallowing it. I got on all fours and as there's not much space between the bed & this wall I could feel my shoes wedge me into the space. Being on all fours & with my heels on was great, but suddenly having the sensation of being 'trapped' in this space made me feel like there was nowhere I could go & nothing I could do but suck cock - perfect. I could feel the air on my ass & newly bare pussy lips & N had stopped talking to listen to me suck 'another man's' cock. The thought of that drives him wild.

I could feel my pussy start to ache & feeling around I could feel my wetness start to build. N told me to put a finger in my ass - something I love to have done to me, but have often been too shy or embarrassed to do to myself (with someone else). But not today! As I've said, all this blogging & potential sex with MWN is driving us both wild. Still on my fours & sucking the cock, I reached around & slowly slid a middle finger in my tight arse. I could feel a bit of fingernail so I quickly jumped up & trimmed it off & told N I was going to lube up my finger so it could slide in deep. I got back on all 4's with him telling me to put my finger in my arse - I gratefully obeyed. It went in, & still sucking cock, I slowly fucked my arse with my finger. It felt amazing - I'd forgotten how good it feels. I moaned with the toy in my mouth - making me even hornier that my voice my muffled by cock. I could instantly feel my pussy start to ache intensely - it was dying for cock. N told me to put 2 fingers in & I happily obliged. I just wanted something in my arse and a cock down my throat. The lube made my fingers go in easily and deeply & soon I was wanting my arse stretched by 3 fingers as N told me to do this. I couldn't believe how good it felt and I could feel my pussy seep with juice.

I kept saying to N 'tell me what to do, tell me what to do' - which he said aferwards was fantastic as I was handing control over what to do to me, to him. Fucking drives me wild!

I remembered to get a chair to lean on - I find this perfect for fucking the toy from behind & having something to lean on & raise my torso up a bit. It makes the position of the cock hit all the right spots in both my holes. Not being able to take it anymore and with N urging me on to put the toy straight into my ass I lined myself up for a deep ass-fuck. It nudged it's way in, making me gasp with pleasure. Hearing my happy fuck noises makes N ooze pre-cum and he told me to slowly keep working it in. I wished I'd had another stick-on cock to put on the chair as I was desperate to suck cock again, but, feeling VERY naughty I came off the cock & turned around to it. N was urging me to suck it straight out of my ass. I love this in porn & we use the thought of it in phone sex all the time, but we've only done in a couple of times in real life as I'm paranoid about the smell & taste (& hygiene) & if it's 'clean'. But actually, once you've done a good poo the anal passage stays 'relatively' clean as other crap sits much further up the bowel. So, providing nothing is hanging around (God that's gross!) it can technically be quite clean-ish.

I inspected the cock for flecks of brown stuff & seeing none, I sniffed it - I could smell nothing. Deciding it was clean enough for me & getting hornier by the milli-second at the thought of doing ATM and knowing N would practically shoot his load if I did it, I put it in my mouth & begun to suck. N started saying 'oh you're such a filthy slut' and 'you love the taste of your own ass don't you?' to which I could only groan in the affirmative and I devoured the toy and relished my filthiness. I quickly said 'and? and?' to let him know I needed to be fucked again and for him to tell me to do it.

He told me to put the cock right back up my ass and frantically I did. I started to fuck it deeper now, touching my clit and feeling in heaven. But my pussy was DYING to be fucked & seeing as I was quite obviously in a very fucking drugged-on-friskiness state I told N I had to have it in my dripping wet pussy and slid it in. OH MY GOD I love cock! It went straight in deep & I stopped touching myself to just dissolve into the sensations coming from my pussy as I rhythmically fucked the cock. I could hear N still talking to me, telling me what to do, but I was in a state of near-delirium and out of my mind with lust. I slid it out & turned around to suck it & lick off my pussy juices, then quickly put it back up my ass. I was desperate for another ATM & N demanded I taste my ass again. I did.

Turning around again I felt the need to be filled with cock & told N I was getting out my blue butt-plug. N was telling me how much I loved being fucked by 2 cocks & in complete agreeance the plug easily went up my ass with the other toy in my pussy. Then, having a sudden flash of brilliance - I giggled quietly to N & told him I was taking the plug out of my ass. I keep fucking my pussy with the other toy & bought the plug up to my mouth & sucked it. I was a fucking total ass-to-mouth anal slut! And loving it!!

I hear N talking faster and faster & getting closer & closer but I knew he was waiting for me to come. He LOVES to hear me come - it's his way of really connecting to me. I put the plug back in my ass & touching myself too, fucking went for it. I had the cock deep in my pussy, so deep as I slammed down on it, I could feel the wall bang against the plug, stimulating my ass even more. I'm being fucked by 2 cocks! Suddenly I could feel myself starting to come & I just managed to say (I have real problems speaking when mad with lust, the words distract me from the sensations sometimes) 'oh my God, oh my God, I'm come, I'm come, I'm coming'.

Whoa...........


After I came I seriously felt very drugged - high on endorphins & hormones. I was floating & N was caressing me with soft, gentle words, sensing I was on cloud 9 and not ready to come back down yet to finish him off. I took the toys out, and wobbling to stand up naked bar my heels, flopped forward spread-eagled on the bed in a post-orgasm haze of delight. This is time we used to cuddle and doze and float post-coitus. But we don't have that luxury at present.....

I knew he must have been ready to explode, but ever the kind gentleman, he let me just relax and told me how beautiful and amazing I was. I could feel the tears welling up, but I held them back not wanting to spoil his turn to come.

Not rushing around to clean everything up as I usually do (in case the MIL comes home with our son or if I have to rush to pick him up from day care) after a few minutes I began my words to him to make him quietly come down the end of the phone....

Oh the highs and the lows of phone sex in prison....

Grrr

Haven't heard from N all day today. I've learnt now not to panic when this happens, as I totally can't control anything. But it's still very unnerving and is stressful. What's going on? has something happened? has he been moved? No - I rang them just after lunch & they said the phones were down & they were trying to fix it. Any idea when they'd be fixed? No. Just rang then & same answer - only probably by tomorrow.

Just great. ANd they wonder why prisoners riot.

I know he'll be going mental too. It's so frustrating when you can't do anything about it.

And I'm totally broke today as tomorrow is pay day (and I'm getting some back pay for extra child care rebate from government budget changes!!) & drove to a friends & back so kiddies could catch up, on completely no petrol. It was so stressful & I was praying to God that I don't break down going over a bridge or at traffic lights! Must have an angel on my shoulder as made it home just in time.


Am going to pay a heap of bills with extra money I should get tomorrow and then dammit, going to spend some on me! Now that I'm skirting the poverty line, every cent has to be watched and any extra (which is practically never) I tend to spend on our toddler. Or maybe going to op shops & buying cheap clothes. Which is fun if you're young & a student & carefree (OK, I am still young at 32 & I am a student but this is different! lol) but when you have no choice, it sux. Being a parent too, you tend to spend everything on your children. This time it's going to be me! I work so hard everyday to keep things running, why not after I've paid the bills?

So....I want some boots & definitely a bra or 2. I'm going to try & get everything on sale if possible! If I have enough left I'd really like a GOOD foundation. I hardly ever wear make up & if I do it's usually only at night & I'm sick of buying crap cheap ones. I want someone professional to help!! We'll see how I go. Really want a blue bra though - I always get such safe colours like white, flesh or pink or black, I want to get something different & super sexy. My pink one that I wear now is very sexy - sheer & lacey so you can see my nipples. Gorgeous! But I wear it everyday, so i really need some more.... I hate being broke as I love lingerie... and shoes...and clothes...and sex toys... and porn...and...!


Oh well. this is not forever. One day he'll be out (& finished his studies inside) & I'll have finished study & we'll both be raking it in hopefully!


N & I had amazing phone sex yesterday - which just as well as it's making up for no contact today. I'll do another blog on it I think. I was a total slut and I loved it!!! he he he

Muff update

Youch! I knew the re-growth would suck & it does!! Not so much on my pussy lips (thank God!) but awful on the mound - yukky little wiry hairs trying to grow back. And they feel like wire!! And now there's also a slight rash and it's soooo itchy. Been putting on amolin at night to soothe it & heal it and had to go knickerless under my PJ's too as I couldn't hack it. Feels very liberating though. I might be having sex in 2 weeks & I don't want to be looking like this!! Help!! I'll definitely re-grow the mound & get the rest waxed off from now on I think. Makes me feel sooo sexy.

Plus, I have really discovered the need for SOFT toilet paper when you're hairless - all these new things i'm learning!

I teased N yesterday when we had the visit. I went knickerless under my jeans & was nervous about how it would feel - but it was surprisingly great. We kissed & I whispered in his ear 'i'm not wearing any knickers. I can feel my bald pussy lips on my jeans'. he he. I'm finding writing in this blog - and reading lots of other sex blogs (there are some excellent ones out there) - is really expanding my mind and is very (sexually) therapeutic. I've always loved the internet & here is yet another reason to love it more!

Yay for blogging!

His letter to me

N wrote me this letter last night - at virtually the same time i was writing in my blog. We've often had this weird synchronicity. He hasn't written me a letter like this for a while as we have to smuggle them out as they're a bit naughty and he sticks on funny & sexy pics he cuts out of smut mags they get in there. I've really missed these letters - letters that are both highly sexual, but deeply loving and romantic too. They were searching everyone's bags before visits (prisoner's - they can bring out food and stuff, which is how he was getting them to me. Fortunately he didn't have one the week they started searching!). He's given me permission to type it out here. I have edited some bits that relate to location etc.



Saturday 14/7/07 9.30pm



Hey beautiful angel

I haven't spoken to you like this for a while so i decided it might be time for another secret letter!

You are reading this obviously after our visit today; fuck you are so incredibly gorgeous! I'm so excited thinking about seeing you, touching, kissing, smelling and hopefully 'feeling' you. I hope you had a great visit too!

Anyway, as beautiful and gorgeous and sexy (down boy...down... see what you do to my cock!) as you always are, i need to have a 'real promise' talk to you darling! [we have 'promises' & 'real promises' - promises being used in phone sex & real ones being, well, real!]

You are probably wondering 'what' or 'if' or 'maybe' about MWN [man whore N - my words] or am I asking a silly question? I think not! You are, aren't you? I can 'feel' your anticipation! Is it going to happen? Does he (me) want me (you) to fuck MWN? Can I (you) fuck another guy? Will he be a good fuck? All these questions radiating out of you!



We have discussed at great lengths if's, but's, what's, how's, when's etc etc and have touched on some terms and conditions. And I can still 'feel' your 'reservations', not for actually 'doing it' feelings, but for 'does N really (real promise) want me (you) to have sex with another guy?'. I'm going to 'real promise' answer this in a minute. As we both believe and understand, everything happens for a reason, and all things get presented to individuals to deal with or explore and discover on 'one's' journey. Fuck knows why to such a degree things get as drastic as they do and when they did! But when I think about it with seeing so many other peoples problems or issues, we are no better, no worse, no nothing off from anyone else, our journey is our journey! I believe we have nearly beaten our war, and I believe we have won!! We know what we want, we know how to get it, I know we will get over this time of our journey and build on, together what we want as one. One, yeah us, as a couple of people with intentions of love, passion, family, trust (yeah, i don't forget this Y), togetherness, honesty and loyalty! Loyalty is as big as all bonds in a relationship and we both know what each others position on 'crossing the line' is. There is no line! I mean, if there is a line, I believe, there is, already 'considering it' or 'i wonder' or 'just maybe'. I know I have never had to worry myself about loyalty, and actually I'm so sure about you having the same understanding.

We are extremely lucky, I think, to share such a strong bond of loyalty and other relationship factors. And other such factors might include sexuality. Sex! Sex is great! Sex is from the Universe! Sex is fucking terrific! We are meant to be having sex! More the better I think!



pssst... r u still wondering about MWN? he he



[he's stuck on a funny rude cartoon about sex & procrastination - as i procrastinate alot when we're supposed to be having phone sex!]



Sex is everything I believe! I really do! We were created to survive, hunt, create and procreate!

As you are well aware I'm not dealing with the whole having no sex thing! And it is killing me! I'm trying to deal with it! I really am! I will take whatever you give me but I don't seem to be able to share other traits guys resort too! I'm tempted to borrow a VCR one night & some porn video's, but I think I'll wait to get to the 'farm' [minimum security prison] it's so much easier over there! I fucking hope so anyway! I couldn't face going back to the blocks if I got caught with porn at this late a stage of my departure from this place [porn is not allowed in prison, but of course it still gets in - soft core mag's are allowed though].

So what does a high sexed man like me need to do? The talking, the thinking, the tempting, it's all good if I'm expressing myself but I'm obviously not! I crave sex, I crave you, I crave sexual contact, sexual sight, sexual sound, sexual smell, sexual release, everything that comes in the sexual dictionary. Anything 'sex' - yeah, I want it so badly! (note - to reassure you though, no paedaphilia, beastiality or a guys cock near my arsehole!)

My only lifeline is obviously you at this moment of time and it is also so obvious that you too are dealing with all the external issues...this is why custodial sentences will never work!! This might be your PhD one day??

Anyway, I love the rawness of sex! The 'raw' sex takes alot of commitment, trust to engage in such situations, confidence, the uniqueness, the loyalty!! Loyal to me, loyal to you! Be loyal to me! You are my commitment!

Still wonder? Ready?

I want you to have sex with MWN! I want you to have it so bad! You are my commitment, so I do need to take care of you - even in such circumstances! Even so, to take care of you, so you can take care of me! I guess what I'm trying to say is, live this part of our journey with whatever help is at hand! I can't be there, at the moment, to satisfy you/us and 'self' help if not enought for one's like ourselves. So MWN having sex with you will be 'through' me and very much involved through me, and I guess telling, describing to me, will help me express my sexuality!

I need MWN to fuck you! God know I really need to fuck you! I want him to make love to you! God knows even more, that I need to make love to you! I want to express my physicalities through MWN. All I can manage now is to hear you, see you once a week, hold you briefly, kiss your beautiful lips momentarily, smell your purfume and maybe smell as close as I can, your 'rawness', your sex, in as close as I can get, with having your tight arsehole 'swallowing my finger', trying to get you, yes you, your raw natural, dirty naturalness on me, to take back with me to my world. To treasure and enjoy my commitment that bit longer.

I can only hear you on the phone, I 'express' myself hearing you wank, hearing you fart! Listening to porn with you stimulates me, but I feel close to you with our wonderful phone sex sessions. Now I understand it is very difficult for you with phone sex so maybe having sex with MWN can be a step up the 'coping ladder' for us both.

Now, I know we have only talked about you having sex with MWN on one night at this stage, but I'm willing to explore further options, if, so, that you are totally comfortable and are having your 'fulfilments' met (terms and conditions).

On the night, I want what, I'm feeling, I want to do to you! Thats' why I've already told you (and believe me I trust S and I have full confidence that MWN is very professional in what he does) that I want MWN to maybe be slightly aggressive with you as well as make love to you! I want him to make you suck his cock, I want him to 'restrain' you and bend you over and slide his cock up deep into you, I want his hands firmly around your gorgeous hips and for him to 'work' you back and forwards on his cock! I want you to feel his tongue licking your shithole before he slowly penetrates your bum with his finger. I need you to expect MWN's cock to tease your arsehole before he slowly slides it up your backdoor! I want you breathing with anticipation feeling yourself being dominated with a man's cock 'educating' your arsehole muscles, that it is going to get fucked, and your cunt will explode with 'beautiful agony'!

I want there to be passion as well! Kiss him, kiss him like you kiss me. Long, deep passionate kissing! taste his lips and mouth darling, let him hold you really firmly and kiss you, rubbing his hands all over your beautiful figure then after studying your ankles and feet, holding your legs out wide, lowering himself into your warm, silky, sweet cunt, he can steadily fuck you!

You don't have to worry about drinking pineapple juice [a friend said it makes your pussy taste sweet], your cunt is so sweet angel. Let your natural sweetness ooze all over his cock with love and desire that when he makes you cum, you know, cumming on his cock your are spiritually cumming on mine. Have sex again and again, explore it, let him explore you. I know he does want to explore you! Feel his cock deep down your throat and put your finger in his arsehole and make him ejaculate down your sexy 'being', MWN has already been told of your amazing tits and will be taking a couple of new 'momento' toys and to make sure when you 'sit' down on his cocking facing him, for him to pull you closely to him and insert a second cock into your 'brown hole' (we will give you two 'real' cocks one day soon anyway).

Don't be scared of being emotional [i sometimes cry after orgasm] when you cum! Let it all go! Lie down and say nothing, or say and scream or whatever you have to! Just have sex and really enjoy it! Tell him what you want or don't! Don't be concerned with what is happening, let him really fuck you, let him dominate your sex and treat you like a woman that needs to be totally 'destressed' and 'agonized'!

Do fanny farts or farts, let your arsehole be 'fucked clean', and don't worry about dirty or flecks of shit coming out because its all natural and you are not making a porn movie, just getting fucked really hard from behind and in need of a satisfying release!

I'm curious to talk to you further, tell me your mind, your heart, don't think of being "don't want to hurt my feelings", tell me angel and we can get on with having some really fucking good sex - just like the days gone by! Yay!

There is one more thing I'll say now -

"I need MWN to cum hard and in deep in you" and actually also "I want MWN to fuck you with passion" and most of all, MWN to "fuck your brains out"!

When I speak to you on the phone, if you can tell me first up these 3 statements, I know I'm right about your aura!!



Lots of love my anal whore (always my darling angel too! mwa)

Mwa Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y xxx N



So oh my....I cried as I read his letter. I cried as he wrote about spiritually I'll be coming on his cock and to let him make love to me. I cried with the sheer sadness and frustration at us being in this situation. N worked his fucking arse off for years in his business - physically, mentally and emotionally. He let himself get walked all over people and couldn't say no when he should have. He should have been bashing down people's doors demanding the money they owed him - as bullies did to us - but N is not a bully. And not nearly assertive enough. He did some stupid things yes and had severe cash flow problems. He didn't want to go to a bank and instead went to people to borrow money and all went down hill from there. It was a horrific, traumatic and heart breaking time, and he still knows he has to working hard for years to fully gain my trust back. But does he deserve this? Do I? It's not rocket science to see that partner's with kids are the ones that serve the real sentence. Did he rape or murder or abuse people? No. Is he a danger to people? No. Does society need to be protected from him? No. Is he out there working and paying people back? No. But nevermind, because jail makes everyone who commits a crime rehabilitate and pop out pure and honest.

Fucking NOT!



So here I am, reading possibly the most incredibly love-filled and tear enducing letter I have ever received, from my partner who loves me that much he's willing to let me have sex with a stranger to help me cope with the crap my life has become. God how much does N love me?! How much do I love him? *chin wobbling, eyes blurring* We knew within days of meeting we wanted to be together forever. It took him 2 weeks to ask me to marry him and 1 milli-second for me to say yes. We were one of those dumb couples who went out for dinner (when we actually managed to stop having sex and get out of my unit) and sat there all googley eyes at each other. N treated me - and still does as best he can - like a princess.

And this is what he gets. N is one of the most kindest, generous people you will ever meet. Way to generous for his own good! And now I'm reading his letter as though he were dead and saying from heaven 'I will always love you and I want nothing more then for you to be happy, my darling. Go out and have fun and have sex. be happy for me.'



oh fucking hell God FUCKING HELL *seriously crying now*



I remember when it all happened and the cops took him away. The best I could describe it at the time, and still do, is half way between a death and a divorce, without as much sympathy and a tonne of shame. But that's something you have to get through. You see quickly who your real friends are and who's not. You let go as you lose almost ALL control of your life and you pray to God you'll live to raise your child.



I just want to feel alive again. *crying, shit, crying* I feel so weighed down with everything my life is now. I don't blame N anymore - when I made the decision to stay with him (and it's something I'm sure most people do in my situation - decide to hang in there for the long haul & pain, or leave) I also decided that if I stay, I forgive and we move forward. Like a person deciding to stay with someone who has cheated on them; if you stay it means you willingly work at forgiveness with that person. It means you honestly let go of what they did and not whip it out at the drop of a hat to beat that person over and over again with your anger and sense of betrayal. If you can't do that (and by no means am I advocating that, each situation - whether adultery or jail - is unique and completely up to the individual and/or couple) then don't carry around your wound on your sleeve. Staying with that person means you are willingly saying 'i forgive you, i will not stay angry at you', otherwise, walk away now. Save both of you more heartbreak and suffering. There is no right or wrong about what to do. Life is messy and painful and hard, but that's what makes life, life. Life is also intensely pleasureable and incredible and wonderful. Life can make your heart explode with happiness or drop and break into tiny pieces with grief. It is our emotions - the whole spectrum of them - that remind us WE ARE ALIVE. Get out there and live goddamit.



Amor vincit omnia

New(ish) stripper shoes

My great friend T - who used to do skimpy work - gave me these super sexy stripper shoes she no longer wants. They look fantastic! Very kind of her as they tend to be pricey.

I bought these purple slip-on pair on ebay last year. Can't wait for N to get out & fuck me in them; they lift up my ass just perfectly & he's 6'3" so its good to gain some height (I'm about 5'4").

We're letting me fuck another man

OK

In 2 weeks from now (in fact even at this very moment on a saturday night), I may well be (and to be scrupulously honest, I hope I will be) actually having sex with a real live cock. Only it won't be my partner's.

Rewind to beginning of how this came about: While in jail, N (in self care - thank God) bumped into a guy (S) who turns out he knew years ago when S worked for him (N's had his own business for many years - but not any more!). S is about my age (32), N is 39. Anyway, they've become quite good friends, which I'm pleased about as N hasn't had alot of real male friends; only sort of work colleagues who turn out to just be after work (read: $$) from him through his business. Plus he was always working so bloody much, he never had time for decent friendships. I've told him for years, after studying about it in my psych degree (I'm doing Honours now) that friendship and social connections/networks are WHAT MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY above ALL else. Now, I think he can really feel and understand that, after (ironically) getting that connection with a fellow crim. God I hate saying 'crim'. Why did I just do that?

Now N is a very handsome boy - and no, it's just because he's my partner! (we're not married, we were going to, long story, hopefully will do in future). Even the stupid female magistrate residing over his case (no jury, just judge or whatever ) commented on his looks and basically implied how does such a good looking man do such stupid things? Like how is that relevent to the case, love? But I do know what she means - how can he be sooo stupid that is.

BUT, N assures me that S (I've still not seen him, even on visits, his never coincide with ours) is model good looking. He reckons I would basically wet my knickers (or go bright red knowing me!) when I do see him.

S is inside for drug related offences, despite not being a big drug user himself (apparently!). And S - wait for it - is primarily a male escort ie. a man whore! A real live one!! He does some labouring and stuff like that on side to look good on paper (er yeah, but ya still got busted for doing dumb things with drugs!) but spends most of his time pleasuring women and getting paid for it!! Holy crap!

N is in heaven, being a highly sexed guy himself, but a gentle soul and they have been talking non-stop about it. Which unfortunately has just now made N even more frustrated and angry at himself that we can't fuck. Punishment by lack of sex, like I said. But the stories I'm getting are amazing!

Turns out, S thinks I'm pretty gorgeous and N - asking my permission 1st - a few months ago asked if he could give one of my sexy pics (the ones they allow in!) to him 'for the night'. Actually I can't remember if that was before or after L (another new friend,but not as close to N as S is, and they had never met before). L is another whole long story - and he's fucking cute too and super fit and muscular. Not that I go for big muscles really, but L looks seriously sexy. I thought about it and then realised I felt really flattered. 'Wow' I thought 'another guy wanking over me? (apart from N, he doesn't count!). Despite feeling like a feminist and being really anti-diets and objectification of women etc, I can't deny that I harboured fantasies when I was in high school of being in Playboy or being like Samantha Fox. I actually had a huge poster of her on my bedroom wall when I was about 12 or something. I look back now and can't believe i did that! And why didn't my mum freak out and wonder if I was a lesbian??!! I'm not BTW, although have had a 3some with a woman a decade ago and women definitely turn me on and I find beautiful, but I love men and cock and aftershave and strength too much to be gay! God I MISS real cock!! I miss sex so much.... *shit don't cry* I get so emotional sometimes...

So anyway, I said yes. Wow (again!). Someone is wanking over me - my face and body. I'd sent N lots of face shots with nice hair and make-up and not many body shots as like I said, I struggle with accepting my large thighs and stretch-marked tummy. He commented on this - lack of 'whole me' photo's as, if I did send in my body, it would be of certain parts. Although I did that partly to conceal my identity - you don't know now many fucking staff are passing it round, even if they say that 'respect your privacy'. yeah right - there's always corrupt ones though; like in any classroom, or society or group. ALWAYS. Just makes it more ironic it's in a prison.

I found this enormously boosting for my self-esteem. Plus finding out that L and his partner K (on her enquiry) wanted to know if we were into partner swapping! This would never have happened if he weren't in jail - bizarre... Turns out L has been lusting after me for ages (we regularly see them on visits with their young daughter - never spoken to them though). K was lusting after my N and I'd actually said to N a few times 'who's that (L)?' and he said 'L, I know him (in same wing)'.

N gets insanely turned on by 'jealousy'. By that I mean the thought of me with another man and him watching or us having a 3 or 4some with other guys. That's a common theme in our phone sex (when we have it!) so much so that me saying (whilst pretending - in a phone sex sense) to be fucking L and saying 'i love you L, fuck my pussy, come in my pussy, make me pregnant' makes N come like *click* that! And he suggested it, not me. Took me a while to get used to saying that to be honest. We talked about it afterwards and came to the conclusion that it's something about N having me ('I'm his') and other men finding his woman sexy enough to fuck. I think in an ego-sense that boosts a man up. 'I've got the prettiest woman. You all want to fuck her - I'll let you, but she's mine'. That really makes sense to me. Plus I'm really, really flattered *smile*

I know women shouldn't be treated as sex objects and admired only for their looks, but when it comes down to it, we're all physical creatures aren't we? That turns me on - other men lusting after me - plain and simple. And not just any men in this case - good looking men. I know in my head that makes me think 'shit, I must be alright then'. It's soooo fucking weird that all those years in my 20's of HATING myself and my body and wanting to be loved and made love to, but loathing myself and having so low self-esteem and subsequently letting myself get blind drunk and have random one-night-stands, have now come full circle. I'm still overweight (not as much though), but N utterly loves ME and my body. And I mean worships me! I'm a very lucky girl in that sense. He has boosted my self-esteem so much and supported me all the way through therapy etc. He's so open-minded and aware and accepting. He's gone to therapy too (some would say too little too late, but it's better than nothing and he'll do more when he gets out).

And it's so strange - knowing that N and I love each other so much has actually allowed to me love myself more. And truly start to accept myself and my body. I AM sexy, I AM beautiful. I am totally woman - curves and all. I had hoards of boys chasing me in high school - no exaggeration. But I couldn't handle it. With my fragile self-esteem and absent father I was a sucker for anyone that paid me attention. And I let myself be used for my body and looks.

But now - through N's experience of being in prison of all things - all these new things and opportunities are opening up. And N and I talk endlessly about them. We've ALWAYS believed that everything happens for a reason - we have deep faith in that. Even this truly horrific situation of being in prison and separated from your partner and missing out on seeing your own son grow up, and having more children (at this point), we STILL have that faith. That knowledge. We just know it.

And so...here it is. This unique opportunity. N has been telling S about all the constant stress I live with and S, sort of as a joke, but sort of serious, said (probably after another failed phone sex session or something) 'she needs a serious fuck; you know N. I could arrange it. I have other guys in the business I know and one in particular who owes me some $ but he's a good mate. It wouldn't be a problem'. N laughed, and when he told me I laughed. But then....

We got thinking. The idea was out there and we got thinking. Could we? Would I? Could he let me? Could I actually do something like that? While in a relationship - even if it his with his permission and in fact, had been organised by him and S? And with a man whore?!!! We are both intensely loyal to each and both have an understanding that cheating in a relationship - including ours obviosuly - constitutes a permanent ending to that relationship. But consensual sex with other people - something I thought I'd never get into, well, that's different. We rang a (female) prostitute once, but chickened out of going through with it. And now, after watching so much MMF porn and us too (as mentioned) having practiced double cock on me (and me on myself! or triple if I can somehow manage it! All holes filled that is - I'm not into 2 of anything in 1 orifice) I'm dying for a threesome with N and another man. And now, here he is in jail with a man whore and L - all of us now fanatasizing about home leaves and lining each other up! Such is life eh? Nothing like having no real sex for over a year to make you willing to do anything!

It entered into our phone sex. The idea of me fucking this man whore - and that's where we have to be careful, ideas and fantasies are often different when played out - turned us on. And now... I really fucking want it. God dammit I NEED it! N has been dying for me to admit how much i want it, but I've struggled with that. Again, I think it (*psychoanalysis alert*) comes back to me being afraid of myself - my own sexuality, my own power, my own femaleness. Admitting how much I need/want/desire sex embarrases me. Why??? It's that confusion between real life and sex life again.

Oh God, want to keep writing, but am getting tired. Plus, it's visit day tomorrow and it's a special 'family day' visit which is 2 1/2 hours with lots of fun things for the kiddies and freedom (ha ha!) to roam around. His parents are taking our son & I up and are going to be here at 7.45am. I want to get up earlier and do my hair etc. I want to look good for him.... AND - he he - I think I'm going to go knickerless under my jeans and surprise him! I'll be able to feel bare pussy lips on my jeans. I bloody hope the re-growth doesn't cause issues - I hope not at this early stage. That's why I'm going to be brave and start getting it waxed off. Shaving re-growth is evil. What a relief my period has finished too, so I can actually do it.

I hope he gets a better feel than usual. Currently at the end of each visit as we all stand up and, quickly before the annoying officers start circling like vultures, we kiss and he turns us round so my back is to the wall (if the table we have been allocated allows us). He quickly slides a hand down my jeans/skirt and under my knickers, searching desperately and quickly for my arsehole. I try not to tense up as I feel him slip in a finger to 'take home'. He and S are total arse men - S has been insisting that it 'better be dirty' so N can get a good strong smell of my arse, and can wipe some on a tissue for S to take away and wank too. Arhhh boys *sigh*

Lol - all this stuff used to freak me out, now it turns me on. How things change... and oh the things we do for love (and lust!). I try to tell N, I'm not walking around with a dirty arse, but he just wants ANYTHING.

.... *am not going to whine about how it's all so unfair* AM NOT

So more on man whore & our 'terms and conditions' we have set for ourselves - as proper boundaries and safegaurds & the potential senario and date (he happens to have the same name as N! I'll just have to keep calling him 'man whore', and I mean that in the best possible way) later. But I'll just say, the more I think about it the more I want it.... Bad kitty.

Orgasm count

Orgasms today: 3

Haven't had that many in a while - must be the freshly shaved pussy.

Meow

Shit, how am I going to tell N?

Bye bye muff

I had a strange today. I still have my period (a bit heavier than usual - mine are usually quite light), so maybe that's it. N sort of assumed we would try phone sex again. I can't tell you how many conversations we've had about assumptions and expectations! We all have them I guess, but they really can be the bane of existence. After yesterday, I was really not into it (even less so than usual). After 1 and 1/2 years I screamed at him, I still hate doing phone sex. It's either sex or masturbation for me, no in between. Well, definitely not while he's in jail.

But then I feel sooo guilty and mean. And I feel like I go round and round in circles. Beating myself up, then getting angry at having to do it in the 1st place.

I hung up on him after getting pissed off as I wanted to talk about the stuff we were talking about yesterday. Control, domination, sex, me etc. But he said something like 'we always talk about you' (as opposed to have phone sex or talk about him, not that he wants us to talk about him much). I felt offended and selfish and hung up. Then I sat down thinking 'you're a selfish selfish person (me)' and wanted to just end all talk about sex. Which is what he said the other day when he got frustrated with it all (and never actually ever having sex!). After a while, for some reason I thought 'i'm going to shave off my pubic hair'. Quite out of the blue. I've only done it once or twice before and N has trimmed me. I don't do it much as the regrowth is nasty and I've been too chicken to get it waxed.

So i hopped in the shower (after 1st plucking out a few mega bikini line hairs - so outta control!) and went for it. Got a sore neck after a while trying to look down there. I cocked one leg up on the bath, then the other, then squatted down to finish it. I didn't know how much of the front bit to do, so left it and just did the lips. I got out of the shower and wow! It looked and felt GREAT. Super smooth and sexy. I couldn't stop feeling my lips. I have quite full outer lips and almost no inner ones (labia minora I think) so they look like real lips. Beautiful *wink* But where I had stopped on the mound looked really funny and not right at all - I fixed that up tonight though & went nuts shaving it all off! Oops! I don't really like the look of nothing there on the mound I've decided. A little triangle or landing strip would be better, a bit too pubescent for my liking (and for N too thank God).

So anyway (son was with his Grandma all day BTW!) I dried off and went to the bedroom and checked it out again in the mirrored wardrobe doors. I looked so sexy! It was making me frisky looking at them and touching them, so I thought I put on some sexy knickers and take some photo's for N. They never bloody work out that well though. I'm not exactly a size 10, (i'm 14-16) so it's a constant challenge for me to accept and love my body as it is right now.

But (before the 'photo shoot') when I was just sitting on the floor with my legs apart staring the mirror, with my hair still up from the shower I thought 'God, I'm actually quite beautiful'. I started really admiring my body and skin. I have lovely pale milky skin i decided. Annoying tan lines on neck & arms (from tops) had faded as its now winter. I hate summer and the sun - pale is good for me. I'm a real blusher though and am very prone to going red, but I looked gorgeous today. I took real time admiring myself and my body. I'm a classic hourglass and all in proportion despite being overweight. Boobs, hips, tummy. And calves that never gain weight no matter how fat I get - I love my calves! I like my face and even love my small button nose. Used to be called 'ski jump' in primary school, but it's better than having a huge one I think!

So that was really good. Just checking myself out and my new-found pussy lips. Suddenly I wanted to do naughty things and watch myself. Quite unlike me as I've spent so many years hating my body and abusing it with food. I put on some mascara (I love mascara!) and clear lip gloss (I hardly ever wear make-up anyway - except mascara, did I mention I'm addicted to it?!) and got out my red bag of naughty stuff - toys, dvd's, lube, rope (barely used unfortunately). My favourite toy is a natural cock and balls with a suction thingy on it. I love sticking it to the wall and fucking myself silly doggystyle. I fucking love it from behind.

I started to suck it, just holding it, and watched myself. Shit I thought, staring at my eyes and face, I actually look quite good! I then got a small wooden kids chair from the dining room and stuck it to it. So I could see myself in the mirror and could move the chair around at will. I got on all 4's, side-on to the mirror and went for it. I looked beautiful! I never used to enjoy sucking cock that much but over the years I've really come to love it. Sucking N's cock and touching myself (or licking his arse!) I could nearly come, if I wasn't holding off to be fucked. Sometimes now I can just suck the cock for 5 mintues, touch my clitoris (I always have to stimulate that, otherwise I don't come) and come! I see images in my head from porn and really get very vigorous, pretending I'm being forced to suck cock, watching and feeling as the saliva drips everywhere, trying to stuff it further in my mouth. mmmmm!

Anyway! Then I decided I wanted to watch myself be fucked. But - oh yeah - I also stuck it to the mirrored wardrobe doors, held the doors (the shake otherwise!) happily sucked away watching myself the whole time. If I can watch myself and not feel ashamed or embarrassed, I'm hoping I'll be finally able to let go of my body inhibitions and really open up to be looking at by N (or whoever - we want 3somes!). So it was intensely therapeutic for me too. Mirror work is - I remember reading some research about mirror work for women with eating disorders.

I stuck it down lower and feeling that I was sufficiently wet - sucking cock can make me incredibly wet sometimes! - decided to try and fuck it on the mirror. never done that before as it's quite hard to back onto it and find a place for feet and legs to go. I lent on the mini-chair and eased onto it, trying to turn around and get a look also. But it was quite difficult. The camera was nearby and I contemplated filming it (it can do 3 minutes of filming), but decided against it (at this point in time anyway- something else to try - remembering beautiful agony!). I had a little fuck of it, touching myself but it wasn't work that great. I watched porn earlier(after previous child-like hunging up from N - oh yes, that was before the shower actually) and came from this fucking horny scene where she's on her back (on a bench), legs in air and he's over her fucking her pussy, then her ass, then her pussy then her ass. Oh my God!!! Not the most hygenic thing but it's fucking horny to watch and it feels fantastic - oops just gave myself away! he he Whenever we've done it, it's always at my insistence and only after sufficient reassurance from N that it's 'clean'. As clean as it can be really! I don't give myself enemas or anything like porn stars do. Besides, N fucking loves my ass - the sight, the smell, the taste. Often in phone sex he loves hearing me talk about my dirty ass and doing an ATM and tasting some shit. Naughty +++ !!

Oh where was I? getting distracted! That's right, I decided to watch myself fuck myself in the ass. And wow - it was one of those days when it just went straight in (with lube though) and felt perfect. And bonus - was easier to see. I stopped touching myself and just fucked it for a bit. I love those days when I just want to feel it going in and out. Some days, I just can't get into it and it hurts. But not today!! After a bit i decided to move and putting my stripper shoes on (clear purplely ones) and stood up sticking it to the small wall that allows me really straddle it standing up or on all 4's. I fucked my ass again, then decided to quickly whip the butt plug in and put the cock in my pussy and get double fucked. Doubled fucking is the best when I'm in the mood for it. Yum. I did that for a bit (touching myself) but then found that I wasn't coming too easily (probably from the earlier orgasm - the shorter the in-between times between them the less frisky I get and longer it takes me to come - although this does differ during different phases on my cycle. And just coming to end of period and into 1st 1/2 of cycle is always my horniest). So I whipped them both out (wiped off some menstrual blood on the cock) and decided to throw off shoes and lie face down on bed with ass in air, head down, both hands under, working myself. One hand on clitoris, other one really working my ass hard. I just wanted to be fucked in my welcoming ass hard! And it worked!!! What a fucking great orgasm. God I love masturbating. Phone sex is just never the same. I'm sorry sweet N, I just can't help that.

So I had this amazingly therapeutic self-sex session - all instigated by pussy shaving! I fucking love it - it makes me feel so sexy and horny. Dammit - I'm going to be brave and get it waxed off!! Just the lips though for now. And that's if I can afford it. I fucking hate being broke....

Am not going to feel guilty, am NOT going to feel guilty for pleasuring myself and not sharing it with N. Too late....

More control & domination

N says 'I need to fuck you' and I can immediately feel this reaction coming up - one of resistence. N says its procrastination. But then I thought it's like I don't want him to see/know how much I desire sex. Why is that? Am I afraid of sex and my sexuality and the power of it?

I need to re-read that book I have called 'Arousal' by the psychiatrist Dr Michael Bader. About 'the secret logic of sexual fantasies'. N reckcons (& not just as a horny guy, but seriously!) sex unlies all things that we are. Which is kind of what The Soul of Sex book I'm reading now says. So why can I have sexual fantasties about men dominating me (a very common female fantasy) and yet react so strongly at some of N's words? He's not even a controlling person and a fantasy is often just that I know - often completely different if you try and play it in reality.

But then as we were talking I realised that for me control is about power. It's about me not having any power, and I don't like that. Whereas perhaps being dominated is me still (somehow) giving the guy permission to be dominant over me. I mean, it's not too different really to our traditional roles anyway. Men are physically bigger and stronger then women and naturally in sex (I think) take more the lead as they are the 'fucker' and giver of cock and women are the 'fuckee' and receiver. Which can't change that much unless strap-ons and fingers come into the equation.

I hate being controlled by anyone in real life. Especially men, like my ex C was. But being dominated gets me off....hmm... I hate men controlling and dominating women in real life, treating women like a piece of meat or like bimbo's or not taking them seriously enough the workplace b/c they look too pretty or sexy or whatever. Like how is that our fault if you can't control your cock? Geez!
But then in sex, as much as I like being dominated (I don't get off as much dominating men, but then again, sometimes I do - pouncing on them, flirting & I know guys like that too - a woman in control & not afraid of her own sexuality and sexual power) I can't seem to switch of the external world & all its rules & the 'sex world' and its entirely different rules. And they really are completely different rules. But thats how its supposed to be to give us the freedom to be who we truly can be or want to be (in sex). I can't turn off those thoughts in my head of 'he's just treating me like a piece of meat' even though it sends me crazy frisky thinking of 2 or 3 or 4 fucking all fucking me and taking turns and basically treating me like just a bunch of fuck holes. Arhhh!!! What a contradiction in terms.

Shit, running late better go but definitely more later - think N & I are onto something here.

xo

Being controlled vs being dominated

N & I had an interesting conversation this evening after (another - on my behalf) failed phone sex attempt. I wanted to surprise him with phone sex as I'd been feeling so guilty (I've got my period though & I so fucking exhausted all the time anyway) for not giving it to him. God bless him, he tries so hard to make like it's ok, but when every other guy in there is getting it, it's hard for him. I get shitty and tell him to go wank, but he needs more than that. I dunno... it feels so fake all the time. It's not like he's away working & it's fun & naughty. He's in jail for fuck's sake, with god-knows-who is listening. I hate admitting this (I've admitted it to him) but i think deep down I feel like I'm rewarding him for the behaviour that got him there in the 1st place. My life has been SO much harder since he went away - single mum, student, living solely off the government (with very high rental prices) and dealing with a slightly off-kilter mother.

We've long thought that prison doesn't really punish them as much as it punishes the family & friends of the prisoner. He gets frustrated that he's not actually out there doing something for the community. He's studying (which is great - even better that they paid for it!), going to the gym, not drinking, cooking meals (he's in self care) and hanging out with other guys. It's punishment by lack of sex and intense boredom and monotony. Shit, he owes creditors about $350 000, but instead of him being out here earning $$ and paying it off (via the administrators!) the government is paying close to $100 000/year per person to keep him in there. And they're paying me $21 000/year as a single mother. What the fuck????????? Yes, people need to be punished but for people who aren't violent or sexual predators what is the point of locking them up and costing everyone more time and money???!!



FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



*ahem* Anyway, this was not supposed to be a rant about prison - I broke my own rule about not talking about it anymore haven't I? But unfortunately it's (obviously) so much apart of my life, it's hard to avoid it.

Anyway - N noted tonight something he says he's observed for a while in me - that I seem to love being dominated (sexually and to a point) but HATE being controlled. As soon as he said it I knew he was right. I already knew (and of course he does) I much prefer to be dominated in bed. I mean, not dominated in traditional sense of the word (although I do tend to find myself begging to be tied up - one of my earliest fantasies by far! But it's no fun if you have to ask for it - just take me now for fuck's sake), but I just like having the man take control, but I hate being controlled. How does that work?? N said he notices I get quite aggressive if he says something (during phone sex) that is controlling in nature, and I agree, I do (somehow that's hard to admit).

But what is it about that? Aren't they similar things? I want to start keeping a list (I love lists) of what words/sentences he says I love to hear & turn me on and those that turn me off/make me go mental & those words I love to say and those that turn me off. I'll get onto that soon - I'm getting tired and it's nearly midnight, can't think straight. Hmm, I have to admit though, I find admitting I like certain words kinda embarrassing. And I hate that! That's why I'm doing this blog - to open myself up more to my sexuality and not be so ashamed or embarrassed by my words or thoughts or body (body is a big one - but that's another whole long story!).

*psychoanalysis alert*
Was it because I grew up with my mother controlling my eating and food so much and watching my body? She was/is a vegetarian, health-nut, exercise-freak, lo-cal, no-fat, zero-flavour, carob, no-salt peanut butter, no junk food, aktavite, rice flakes, frozen yoghurt, stressed, depressed, anxious, negative, pessimistic, bitter,skinny type of single mother. Yep, it was fun growing up in that household. She tried her best, and now as a bloody single mum myself I know how bloody hard each day is. I miss the dishwasher *sigh* we had pre-jail & more $$ (we were yuppies I admit). It became my mission in childhood, teenagehood and adulthood to eat as much junk as I could, because I was never allowed to have it at home. I've spent nearly my whole life reacting against her and compensating for the huge deprivation I always felt. Oops, here I go gaining 20 kgs after high school! How did that happen? Hmm, there goes half my 20's fat, depressed and socially phobic spending many hours and much $$ in therapists rooms. Which I'm grateful for (therapy and even being so low) as I've felt for a long time that it was all part of the journey.



Crap...getting really tired. When to a girlfriend's for dinner and didn't get back til late. Yummy chilli mussles and caramel tim tams. Left my mobile there too dammit!

zzzzzzzzz

Here goes nuffin'

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