Saturday, 15 September 2007
I need sex - revelation
I can't believe it, I realised last night that I NEED sex. I can't believe how stupid it sounds to say that. But I actually find that quite confronting for some reason.
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Time to blog
Time to blog...been a while. Busy busy busy (thesis thesis thesis!)
As usual I have lived up to my slacker expectations & not written in this as much as I wanted to. I often find myself talking in my head about what I'm wanting to say in my blog but somehow I just hardly get around to actually writing it. Often I'm just soooo tired I can't be bothered and end up reading everyone else's sex blogs. Speaking of which, just received one of my Amazon purchases about sex blogs: 'Naked on the internet' by Audacia Ray. Of course, been too tired & busy to start reading it yet & I have my usual pile of books next to my bed - I seriously love reading! My 'sex & love in intimate relationships' book I'm about half way through & is a fascinating psych book to read.
Anyway, period due any second so been a bit off (I've noticed I get headaches a day or 2 before it comes), but wow - since I read that giving up caffeine can make big improvements to PMS & sore boobs (I had very sore boobs pre-period) on a naturopathic website, I can't believe the difference. I actually wouldn't have believed it had it not happened to me. It suggested no coffee, tea, chocolate or cola drinks. Now most people would balk at that, but I'm quite (mostly!) ok with it as I don't drink coke ever (evil!, but used to drink diet coke), choc I only want pre-period, coffee I only have about twice a week when visiting N & we make mocha's up with hot choc & coffee & tea I drink alot of but mostly green & white tea. So I ditched the coffee's, kept the tea (I couldn't give that up, so good for you & I love it & has only small amounts of caffeine in it) & holy crap! What a difference. This is my 2nd period with my coffee at all & I feel quite amazing - no sore boobs & very minimal moodiness. VERY minimal. Just tired & headaches. I ate choc last night but I have a feeling it was more out of pre-period habit as I've noticed that since I've stopped have those few coffee's on the weekend, my choc cravings have gone down. And they weren't that strong anyway (I'm lucky I know) & it wouldn't be so much of a craving, more like a when I eat some non-pre-period it tastes very average, but pre-period the same choc can taste amazing.
Wow, I've thought, if giving up something like coffee/caffeine can make this much a difference to my body & mind, I wonder what other foods can do? I've been interested in nutritional healing & stuff for ages, despite not practicing it AT ALL but still feeling it made sense. And this just seems like a good example of that.
I think too, that that's about intuitive eating too. For breakfast I usually have wholemeal toast with honey or peanut butter or vegemite & my usual cup of (normal)tea with milk. Rest of the day I drink green or white tea. For about a year I was having low-fat soy milk in the breakfast tea, having a feeling that normal milk isn't quite right with me. But then I was silly and mucked around with differing brands that happened to be on special & they were so strong I went of soy milk totally. Last couple of weeks I've been putting low fat normal (or should I say cow's milk, normal milk I suppose technically is human breast milk) in my tea & it's just not working for me. It's weird - it's not like I get sick or anything, in fact nothing much happens at all, I just have this feeling that it's not right for me. I don't think too much dairy is in fact. Although I do love cheese & yoghurt. Should eat more yoghurt I think.
Anyway, had my tea with soy milk this morning & was great! Plus I ate something different too (haven't had it for a while) - toast with tuna & cheese. I have a very strong sense of needing to eat protein for brekkie & much, much less carbs & sugar as I just get hungry very quickly after a brekkie like that & then can start nibbling on crap or muffins (more carbs & sugar) or something. Upping my protein, especially in the AM, really, really works for me. It's just getting into the habit of doing that (savoury instead of sweet almost) & adjusting my brain to saying it's ok to eat heaps in the morning & less later on. I know that works alot better for my body too.
Interesting isn't it?.... Listening to my body, I know what's right for it (ie pastry which I love, gives me shocking heartburn. I don't usually get it - expect when pregnant, OMG that was awful - but foods like that I do. Too rich, fatty & 'heat-producing' like it says in Chinese medicine) I just find it hard to do. My usual habits & mind take over....
Anyway, wanted to write something about sex since the whole point of this blog was supposed to be about that!! Masturbated twice on monday - somewhat unusual for me as haven't done that for a while. More like something the single-no-commitments-more-time me used to do. Confessed it to N & felt my usual guilt, but he knows how stressed & busy life has been lately (our toddler son turned 3 so had party for that).
I had this weird craving to suck (the toy) cock with my head hanging upside down off the bead, lying on my back. So laid on bed on tummy & sucked it normal first (stuck on wall) then rolled over & tried to suck it as if a guy was standing above me directing it into my mouth. But found I couldn't quite get it right so pushed the bed away from the wall a bit and found that much better. Very fucking horny actually & was touching my clit & feeling myself get wet very quickly. I took it off the wall for a bit & teased my pussy with it then sucked it again, tasting myself. Then stuck it back on the wall & grabbed my older (and smaller unfortunately) toy & started to fuck my pussy with it, rubbing my clit & sucking the other toy from the underside on the wall. Was incredibly horny & I came quickly. Only thing is, having my head like that made me feel quite nauseous & dizzy & I felt like that for a few hours afterwards!! Silly girl, but worth it I think as something to do every now and again....
Then watched porn a few hours later & came again. Needing to release tension & stress perhaps & give something to ME.
Last night I was lying on the couch watching TV and giving myself a night off from study & suddenly a thought popped into my head of 'why can't N just be here with me? Why can't we just have sex like everybody else? What sense is it that he's in jail?' I try not to think those thoughts too often as they really get me down & resentful and angry. A simple thing - s simple RIGHT - to fuck, make love, have sex, screw, kiss, cuddle, tease, play with your partner is gone for me and him. But why??? I keep thinking. Why? Honestly, what did he really do that was THAT bad he (and I) deserve this? I don't want to reduce it down to excuses and 'it's not fair' but for fucks sake he's not a killer or rapist or basher or drug user or dealer or kiddie tamperer or fucking anything. He fucked up with money (ok, badly and more than once) but really, is this necessary??? *sigh* We just have to stay focused on the whole 'everything happens for a reason' mentality we both so strongly have & go from there. Especially both our studies; that probably would not have happened had all this not happened (not me, but him more likely).
We changed our minds AGAIN about man whore. But not about doing it, just waiting til after my thesis is due as I think it'd be too much to deal with (especially emotionally as we don't know what repercussions they could be) while I'm frantically trying to get that done. I breathed a sigh of relief when we came to that conclusion - always a sign that that's the right decision then. I didn't realise how it was stressing me - even though it's a fun (is that the right word for fucking someone other than your partner, despite having their permission to do so?) to d, it's still quite a big stress given the circumstances of it all.
But now, stupid S and his whole unit in self-care have been kicked out for doing naughty things (we still don't know what exactly but N knew something was going on and tried to talk sense into him - but he still obviously did something silly boy) and N says he probably won't be back in self care for at least 3 months. So, fuck! Man whore then is out of the question in my books until S is back around for N as support and to organise it all (for the 3rd time! God they're patient). So that won't be til Nov or Dec IF he gets back in).
I said to N 'I'm really beginning to think the Universe doesn't want this to happen given that we've cancelled it twice' but I also think (as he does) that it's just the TIMING that isn't right. Hmm, well, we can only but wait and see. Arhh that annoying little thing called patience.
I find myself wondering if I'm forgetting what actual sex and human contact is like. Is that possible? Not forget per se, but just....fading away. I also find myself staring at men in the supermarket or petrol station or wherever and if they're attractive and well-built (don't have to be a super-stud, just very masculine) and imaging them naked, standing tall and proud holding and wanking their erect cock. I've never had those sorts of thoughts before. Men wanking never used to turn me on much, but I think not only are my tastes changing and maturing and being more open-minded, I've watched SO MUCH friggin' porn where you see heaps of guys naked and wanking their cocks, unable to hold back that look at pure lust in their eyes as they practically salivate at the woman's body and what they're about to do to it. God, getting frisky now just thinking of it!
Mmmm....men. God I miss 'man' and maleness. I miss N so much - his body especially, seeing as we still have that emotional connection and closeness. I'll be driving along innocently listening to music and thinking nothing when suddenly in pops and image of N's cock (of what I can remember, but I obviously can remember some things!) and in particular the 2 little blue/green veins that starts at the base of his cock and become engorged with blood as his cock does. I remember seeing them every time I sucked his cock. Those little veins staring at me, running from his torso into his cock feeding it well with blood it keep it hard and ready to pounce and fuck....
My brain is becoming fucking crazy with fuck deprivation.
But, put it this way - at least we get to explore that and each other's bodies all over again. I chose to remind myself of that when I start to feel sad or lonely or skin hungry or fuck hungry. We have that chance to be like new little love-birds again, fucking each other like crazy and re-exploring. It'll be strange - especially with all that we've been through. Son will maybe be in kindy by then and N hopefully working (and me too or studying full time) but we'll have day times and grandparents so we can catch up. And shit, do we have ALOT of body catching up to do! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY. It's seems to long away though... I want it to go fast but then again I don't for the sake of having a child and not wanting them to grow up too quickly. But it's already happening - that strange mix of time crawling along and yet speeding up too. Toddler is 3 already and the other day it was officially 1 and 1/2 year since N's been inside. Can't wait til next March - then it's 2 years and the slide begins into half the time served and so on the downhill slope to release. Of course, still hoping for work leave or home leave or sentence cut on appeal, but I've learnt not to hope or hold my breath. You can't if you want to stay sane...
As usual I have lived up to my slacker expectations & not written in this as much as I wanted to. I often find myself talking in my head about what I'm wanting to say in my blog but somehow I just hardly get around to actually writing it. Often I'm just soooo tired I can't be bothered and end up reading everyone else's sex blogs. Speaking of which, just received one of my Amazon purchases about sex blogs: 'Naked on the internet' by Audacia Ray. Of course, been too tired & busy to start reading it yet & I have my usual pile of books next to my bed - I seriously love reading! My 'sex & love in intimate relationships' book I'm about half way through & is a fascinating psych book to read.
Anyway, period due any second so been a bit off (I've noticed I get headaches a day or 2 before it comes), but wow - since I read that giving up caffeine can make big improvements to PMS & sore boobs (I had very sore boobs pre-period) on a naturopathic website, I can't believe the difference. I actually wouldn't have believed it had it not happened to me. It suggested no coffee, tea, chocolate or cola drinks. Now most people would balk at that, but I'm quite (mostly!) ok with it as I don't drink coke ever (evil!, but used to drink diet coke), choc I only want pre-period, coffee I only have about twice a week when visiting N & we make mocha's up with hot choc & coffee & tea I drink alot of but mostly green & white tea. So I ditched the coffee's, kept the tea (I couldn't give that up, so good for you & I love it & has only small amounts of caffeine in it) & holy crap! What a difference. This is my 2nd period with my coffee at all & I feel quite amazing - no sore boobs & very minimal moodiness. VERY minimal. Just tired & headaches. I ate choc last night but I have a feeling it was more out of pre-period habit as I've noticed that since I've stopped have those few coffee's on the weekend, my choc cravings have gone down. And they weren't that strong anyway (I'm lucky I know) & it wouldn't be so much of a craving, more like a when I eat some non-pre-period it tastes very average, but pre-period the same choc can taste amazing.
Wow, I've thought, if giving up something like coffee/caffeine can make this much a difference to my body & mind, I wonder what other foods can do? I've been interested in nutritional healing & stuff for ages, despite not practicing it AT ALL but still feeling it made sense. And this just seems like a good example of that.
I think too, that that's about intuitive eating too. For breakfast I usually have wholemeal toast with honey or peanut butter or vegemite & my usual cup of (normal)tea with milk. Rest of the day I drink green or white tea. For about a year I was having low-fat soy milk in the breakfast tea, having a feeling that normal milk isn't quite right with me. But then I was silly and mucked around with differing brands that happened to be on special & they were so strong I went of soy milk totally. Last couple of weeks I've been putting low fat normal (or should I say cow's milk, normal milk I suppose technically is human breast milk) in my tea & it's just not working for me. It's weird - it's not like I get sick or anything, in fact nothing much happens at all, I just have this feeling that it's not right for me. I don't think too much dairy is in fact. Although I do love cheese & yoghurt. Should eat more yoghurt I think.
Anyway, had my tea with soy milk this morning & was great! Plus I ate something different too (haven't had it for a while) - toast with tuna & cheese. I have a very strong sense of needing to eat protein for brekkie & much, much less carbs & sugar as I just get hungry very quickly after a brekkie like that & then can start nibbling on crap or muffins (more carbs & sugar) or something. Upping my protein, especially in the AM, really, really works for me. It's just getting into the habit of doing that (savoury instead of sweet almost) & adjusting my brain to saying it's ok to eat heaps in the morning & less later on. I know that works alot better for my body too.
Interesting isn't it?.... Listening to my body, I know what's right for it (ie pastry which I love, gives me shocking heartburn. I don't usually get it - expect when pregnant, OMG that was awful - but foods like that I do. Too rich, fatty & 'heat-producing' like it says in Chinese medicine) I just find it hard to do. My usual habits & mind take over....
Anyway, wanted to write something about sex since the whole point of this blog was supposed to be about that!! Masturbated twice on monday - somewhat unusual for me as haven't done that for a while. More like something the single-no-commitments-more-time me used to do. Confessed it to N & felt my usual guilt, but he knows how stressed & busy life has been lately (our toddler son turned 3 so had party for that).
I had this weird craving to suck (the toy) cock with my head hanging upside down off the bead, lying on my back. So laid on bed on tummy & sucked it normal first (stuck on wall) then rolled over & tried to suck it as if a guy was standing above me directing it into my mouth. But found I couldn't quite get it right so pushed the bed away from the wall a bit and found that much better. Very fucking horny actually & was touching my clit & feeling myself get wet very quickly. I took it off the wall for a bit & teased my pussy with it then sucked it again, tasting myself. Then stuck it back on the wall & grabbed my older (and smaller unfortunately) toy & started to fuck my pussy with it, rubbing my clit & sucking the other toy from the underside on the wall. Was incredibly horny & I came quickly. Only thing is, having my head like that made me feel quite nauseous & dizzy & I felt like that for a few hours afterwards!! Silly girl, but worth it I think as something to do every now and again....
Then watched porn a few hours later & came again. Needing to release tension & stress perhaps & give something to ME.
Last night I was lying on the couch watching TV and giving myself a night off from study & suddenly a thought popped into my head of 'why can't N just be here with me? Why can't we just have sex like everybody else? What sense is it that he's in jail?' I try not to think those thoughts too often as they really get me down & resentful and angry. A simple thing - s simple RIGHT - to fuck, make love, have sex, screw, kiss, cuddle, tease, play with your partner is gone for me and him. But why??? I keep thinking. Why? Honestly, what did he really do that was THAT bad he (and I) deserve this? I don't want to reduce it down to excuses and 'it's not fair' but for fucks sake he's not a killer or rapist or basher or drug user or dealer or kiddie tamperer or fucking anything. He fucked up with money (ok, badly and more than once) but really, is this necessary??? *sigh* We just have to stay focused on the whole 'everything happens for a reason' mentality we both so strongly have & go from there. Especially both our studies; that probably would not have happened had all this not happened (not me, but him more likely).
We changed our minds AGAIN about man whore. But not about doing it, just waiting til after my thesis is due as I think it'd be too much to deal with (especially emotionally as we don't know what repercussions they could be) while I'm frantically trying to get that done. I breathed a sigh of relief when we came to that conclusion - always a sign that that's the right decision then. I didn't realise how it was stressing me - even though it's a fun (is that the right word for fucking someone other than your partner, despite having their permission to do so?) to d, it's still quite a big stress given the circumstances of it all.
But now, stupid S and his whole unit in self-care have been kicked out for doing naughty things (we still don't know what exactly but N knew something was going on and tried to talk sense into him - but he still obviously did something silly boy) and N says he probably won't be back in self care for at least 3 months. So, fuck! Man whore then is out of the question in my books until S is back around for N as support and to organise it all (for the 3rd time! God they're patient). So that won't be til Nov or Dec IF he gets back in).
I said to N 'I'm really beginning to think the Universe doesn't want this to happen given that we've cancelled it twice' but I also think (as he does) that it's just the TIMING that isn't right. Hmm, well, we can only but wait and see. Arhh that annoying little thing called patience.
I find myself wondering if I'm forgetting what actual sex and human contact is like. Is that possible? Not forget per se, but just....fading away. I also find myself staring at men in the supermarket or petrol station or wherever and if they're attractive and well-built (don't have to be a super-stud, just very masculine) and imaging them naked, standing tall and proud holding and wanking their erect cock. I've never had those sorts of thoughts before. Men wanking never used to turn me on much, but I think not only are my tastes changing and maturing and being more open-minded, I've watched SO MUCH friggin' porn where you see heaps of guys naked and wanking their cocks, unable to hold back that look at pure lust in their eyes as they practically salivate at the woman's body and what they're about to do to it. God, getting frisky now just thinking of it!
Mmmm....men. God I miss 'man' and maleness. I miss N so much - his body especially, seeing as we still have that emotional connection and closeness. I'll be driving along innocently listening to music and thinking nothing when suddenly in pops and image of N's cock (of what I can remember, but I obviously can remember some things!) and in particular the 2 little blue/green veins that starts at the base of his cock and become engorged with blood as his cock does. I remember seeing them every time I sucked his cock. Those little veins staring at me, running from his torso into his cock feeding it well with blood it keep it hard and ready to pounce and fuck....
My brain is becoming fucking crazy with fuck deprivation.
But, put it this way - at least we get to explore that and each other's bodies all over again. I chose to remind myself of that when I start to feel sad or lonely or skin hungry or fuck hungry. We have that chance to be like new little love-birds again, fucking each other like crazy and re-exploring. It'll be strange - especially with all that we've been through. Son will maybe be in kindy by then and N hopefully working (and me too or studying full time) but we'll have day times and grandparents so we can catch up. And shit, do we have ALOT of body catching up to do! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THAT DAY. It's seems to long away though... I want it to go fast but then again I don't for the sake of having a child and not wanting them to grow up too quickly. But it's already happening - that strange mix of time crawling along and yet speeding up too. Toddler is 3 already and the other day it was officially 1 and 1/2 year since N's been inside. Can't wait til next March - then it's 2 years and the slide begins into half the time served and so on the downhill slope to release. Of course, still hoping for work leave or home leave or sentence cut on appeal, but I've learnt not to hope or hold my breath. You can't if you want to stay sane...
Thursday, 6 September 2007
Aching pussy
God my pussy is aching! It was aching earlier today too, so I put on some porn and stuffed with the toy. Was quite good, but I (as usual!) felt guilty N was invited to the party. But geez - we had phone sex yesterday! I thought that would exempt me from phone sex for the next week *smirk* Of course, which he hates.
Aching for sex, aching for cock, aching for something, ANYTHING!
Aching for sex, aching for cock, aching for something, ANYTHING!
Saturday, 1 September 2007
N's personality test results
| That Personality Test :: Your Results | ||
| The latest personality test from ThatSurveySite... now featuring more and better questions than ever! | ||
| Emotional (30%) | [..........||||......] | Logical (70%) |
| Concerned about self (73%) | [.....|||||..........] | Concerned about others (27%) |
| Atheist (58%) | [........||..........] | Religious (42%) |
| Loner (55%) | [.........|..........] | Dependent (45%) |
| Laid-back (37%) | [..........|||.......] | Driven (63%) |
| Traditional (62%) | [........||..........] | Rebel (38%) |
| Impetuous (68%) | [......||||..........] | Organized (32%) |
| Engineering mind (33%) | [..........|||.......] | Artistic mind (67%) |
| Cynical (45%) | [..........|.........] | Idealist (55%) |
| Follower (31%) | [..........||||......] | Leader (69%) |
| Introverted (47%) | [..........|.........] | Extroverted (53%) |
| Conservative (49%) | [....................] | Liberal (51%) |
| Logical (24%) | [..........|||||.....] | Romantic (76%) |
| Uninterested (21%) | [..........||||||....] | Sexual (79%) |
| Insecure (33%) | [..........|||.......] | Confident (67%) |
| Selective (100%) | [||||||||||..........] | Tolerant (0%) |
| Pessimistic (53%) | [.........|..........] | Optimistic (47%) |
| Principled (17%) | [..........|||||||...] | Pragmatic (83%) |
| Tolerant (46%) | [..........|.........] | Opinionated (54%) |
| Humble (40%) | [..........||........] | Elitist (60%) |
| Take the test! | ||
Friday, 31 August 2007
But I'm only 51% slut....better work on that!
| You've done 38 out of 74 slutty things. This makes you 51% slut. [||||||||||..........] | |
| Take the test! brought to you by thatsurveysite |
Watch out! I'm sexual & elitist!!
| That Personality Test :: Your Results | ||
| The latest personality test from ThatSurveySite... now featuring more and better questions than ever! | ||
| Emotional (50%) | [....................] | Logical (50%) |
| Concerned about self (49%) | [....................] | Concerned about others (51%) |
| Atheist (88%) | [............] | Religious (12%) |
| Loner (50%) | [....................] | Dependent (50%) |
| Laid-back (46%) | [...................] | Driven (54%) |
| Traditional (31%) | [................] | Rebel (69%) |
| Impetuous (58%) | [..................] | Organized (42%) |
| Engineering mind (31%) | [................] | Artistic mind (69%) |
| Cynical (34%) | [.................] | Idealist (66%) |
| Follower (39%) | [..................] | Leader (61%) |
| Introverted (30%) | [................] | Extroverted (70%) |
| Conservative (39%) | [..................] | Liberal (61%) |
| Logical (30%) | [................] | Romantic (70%) |
| Uninterested (13%) | [.............] | Sexual (87%) |
| Insecure (52%) | [....................] | Confident (48%) |
| Selective (50%) | [....................] | Tolerant (50%) |
| Pessimistic (77%) | [...............] | Optimistic (23%) |
| Principled (52%) | [....................] | Pragmatic (48%) |
| Tolerant (56%) | [...................] | Opinionated (44%) |
| Humble (20%) | [..............] | Elitist (80%) |
| Take the test! | ||
Excited nervousness
Been a while since last blogged - been such a slacker! I often do this - start doing something quite constructive for myself (keeping a journal in this instance which I do find to be very insightful) and go at it prolificly for a while then find I taper off....
I was going to post yesterday & call it 'This look I get', but I didn't get round to it (surprise surprise!). It was in the middle of phone sex with N where he'd hung up to change phones & I'd gotten off the bed to put my high heels on & suction the cock to the wall to fuck it standing up (in my ass). Wow - I'd really discovered a great position there. The high heels make all the difference I find. I got the idea off a little porn snippet I found on the net (I have heaps of them). This guy is fucking this girls ass while they're both standing up. She has these incredibly high red heels on & he's beind her holding her arms back behind her & doing her ass. Totally fucking horny! So when I do that position I kinda have that image in my head also, spurring me on.
Anyway, we were mid-phone fuck & I saw myself in the mirror as I was shifting positions. I had this amazingly dazed, drugged, delirious-with-lust look in my eyes. It was amazing. I've seen it before - but not that often, so when I caught it I stopped & stared. I looked very high, very seductive. I thought to myself 'so this is why women like Marilyn Monroe always pose with that kindof half-closed eyes, sleepy but sexy look'. It sooo looks like that - totally high as a kite on the drug of sex, lust & hormones. At that point of such intense excitement you'd be willing to do anything. You're at the complete & utter mercy of whoever you're with; a slave to your own desire. It was incredible.
Thinking about it now - trying to remember - I can just remember that look in N's eyes and face. Jesus, it's been so long since we've had sex I have to stretch my mind to recall it. God that sux. God that hurts. So long since we've had sex....
I remembered last weekend at a visit to N that it's been ages since he's done the totally-fucking-horny thing of going up close to kiss me, then denying me it. I can feel a little jump inside my chest just thinking of it. Oh God, sooooo horny. He used to do that to me in bed - surprise me with it. Something about it drives me seriously fucking wild. Just as being kissed on the neck does. Oh goooood!!! Just thinking about it is turning me on!
I think it's a combination of things - power, seductive, control, teasing. It used to get me so wet. Making me beg for a kiss, whether we were fucking or not. mmmmm....
So the title of this post is 'excited nervousness' because......
Wait for it..... (to anyone who actually reads this blog, of which I think that number is zero)
We're definitely going ahead with the man whore.
!!
In fact, N just told me a few short hours ago that it's probably going to be next weekend! Arhhh!! It's so tricky to organise with phone calls here there and everywhere from inside a prison to the outside. Man whore N is a very busy boy (must be good!!) and is often being flown all over the place by his little bitches-on-heat. It was perhaps going to be about 3 weeks from now, but then suddenly a client has cancelled & he's free next weekend. !!
N said he's looking forward to it & I said 'but he fucks all the time, how can he be?' not believing that be could be looking forward to sleeping with someone like me. I mean, not a client and stuff. N said he has mostly regular clients so it probably gets pretty same-old same-old (what, like a girlfriend? I said & laughed), so someone like little ole me will be different for him. A sympathy fuck I keep saying to N! No, he says.
I suppose it makes me feel sort of special then, but terribly, terribly terrified & excited. N and i have been talking about it (for what seems) so long - saying yes, planing it, booking it in, changing our minds, talking about it some more and some more and some more - it feels almost normal now.
Did you hear that? Normal!! Oh my god! Anyone reading this blog must know that my life is so completely abnormal it's not funny (but actually it's totally hilarious). 5 years ago I was lonely & desperate for a man to love & lust with & I didn't know he was soon round the corner. Then we met, feel deeply in love, fucked like it was going out of fashion, learnt about (almost all) of each other's flaws & dreamed of our future together. Back then I couldn't imagine having a baby - we definitely wanted some, but not when I did fall pregnant. But, we reasoned (and still do), all things happen for reason and whilst I was disappointed I never got to travel on my own or with a partner & finish my studies before a bub, it all worked out for the best. And THEN I could never, ever have imagined the way our lives would go - N going to jail & me becoming a single mum. Never in a million years did I think something like that could ever happen to me. It wasn't even something I'd ever remotely thought about. You know when you see stories on the news and for a fleeting second you imagine what it'd be like if that happened to you (mostly, strangely, macabre stuff for me - death, tragedy, but sometimes winning lotto, i am human after all!), but when I saw stories of people going to jail (especially for fraud given N had been inside for fraud once before) I never, ever thought about that happening to me.
But it did and it has. And then (again!) I never thought I'd actually seriously be considering sleeping with a man whore. I mean, ever, in any context, let alone this one, let alone partly organised & 100% consented by my partner. I mean, I don't think I ever thought they really existed here in the city I live. But they do and there's more and more of then - the demand is growing! I know because I'm a dirty slut and I read the adult services columns in the weekend paper just for fun. *wink*
Fuck me life is weird. Seriously, totally, utterly weird. This morning I was at a toddler course for dealing with the little beings and next weekend I might be having sex. Not only have sex with someone other than my partner, but a prostitute. And just a prostitute, a male one. And not only a male man whore, but one I'm not paying for either! Call my life a lesson in weird things happening!
Hmm, if I read this to N he'll be expecting me to be talking about the actual fucking of/with the man whore. But shit, I can't really think about much. I don't know what he looks like and it's still such a bizarre thought, it's hard to hold it in my head and indulge in it. And then of course, there's the hugely significant fact that I'll be having sex with someone other then the man I truly, madly, deeply love.
Just one teeny, tiny thing there - I won't be having sex with my dear sweet N.
But N & S decided a while ago that in order for this to happen, N has to get something out of it too. Which I think is totally fair enough - the poor guy is suffering enough without sex and life in general in there, and now he's going to let me go off and fuck someone else. he's actually going to endure that. As much as I'm looking forward to it (I'm just being honest!) I'm also dreading it, thinking about how the night will be for N. And for me. How will be both cope with what I'll be doing? So N & S decided there should be some 'terms and conditions' that need to be stipulated. Uh oh I thought - what?! But I do really think they're a good idea.
N has to get something out of it. So he wants 2 T & Cs that specifically will benefit him, and 1 that'll benefit us (I think I have that right). I was a bit confused at 1st and thought he was talking about something I should do with the man whore that would be good for him. I was thinking 'huh?'. But fortunately that's since been clarified (after we cancelled the 1st 'date' with him which was good, otherwise we wouldn't have talked about all this properly). He was meaning anything. Listen to more porn I have, more phone sex etc etc. So I reluctantly agreed (given my stance on phone sex) to give him phone sex 3 times a week for 5 weeks (I said 1 month, he said 2 we settled on 5 weeks). BUT that will only start after thesis is due at end of Oct. Geez, he has alot of faith in me that I'll follow through! lol But if I do actually go ahead and suck and fuck and do all sorts of naughty things with MWN I'll be feeling so incredibly guilty I imagine I'll be willing to do anything!
Change of topic:
Bought 3 sex-related books from Amazon in the last week (The sexual revolution 2.0; Naked on the internet; and Transcendent sex: when lovemaking opens the veil). Credit card probably back up over the limit! I'm seriously debating doing a PhD (providing I get in and get a scholarship - just a minor hiccup!) on something relating to female sexuality, sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual something. But definitely relating to women. Women's issues and bodies will never stop fascinating me. Whether it's weight or eating or our place in this still patriarchal world or sex, we fascinate me.
And reading (and now doing one) so many sex blogs (men's too - they're seriously fantastic!) it's really making me wonder about female sexual expression via sex blogs. Does it change them? Change their sex life? Change the way they are and think about themselves sexually? Does it help? how? how much? Self-reflection and all that, but in a public way (albeit anonymously - a crucial point I think).
Something like that I think... can't quite put my finger on it yet (the exact topic) which is making me panic as I've had over a year to think about it! But my original ideas I found mostly already done and frankly, I'm sick of researching, thinking and talking about women's weight (read: my weight) and psychological factors related to it. I don't believe we gain lots of weight just because we can't be bothered eating right or exercising. Hell, most of us having been on a diet and weight yo-yo treadmill for so long have encyclopedic knowledge of what to eat, what exercise to do etc. But we still don't necessarily do it. But we don't sit where we currently are weight-wise and go 'that's ok, i totally accept and love myself as I am'. Yeah right.
Anyway, sick of that. But not sick of women's issues. N reckons tonnes of women's weight issues (and mine, I'm about a size 14-16) are to do with sex and sexuality. Deep down, I think he's quite right. Amongst other issues though - there is never 1 single cause for anything.
Hmm, think I'll have a little hanky-panky with myself now! he he
So much for study tonight!
I was going to post yesterday & call it 'This look I get', but I didn't get round to it (surprise surprise!). It was in the middle of phone sex with N where he'd hung up to change phones & I'd gotten off the bed to put my high heels on & suction the cock to the wall to fuck it standing up (in my ass). Wow - I'd really discovered a great position there. The high heels make all the difference I find. I got the idea off a little porn snippet I found on the net (I have heaps of them). This guy is fucking this girls ass while they're both standing up. She has these incredibly high red heels on & he's beind her holding her arms back behind her & doing her ass. Totally fucking horny! So when I do that position I kinda have that image in my head also, spurring me on.
Anyway, we were mid-phone fuck & I saw myself in the mirror as I was shifting positions. I had this amazingly dazed, drugged, delirious-with-lust look in my eyes. It was amazing. I've seen it before - but not that often, so when I caught it I stopped & stared. I looked very high, very seductive. I thought to myself 'so this is why women like Marilyn Monroe always pose with that kindof half-closed eyes, sleepy but sexy look'. It sooo looks like that - totally high as a kite on the drug of sex, lust & hormones. At that point of such intense excitement you'd be willing to do anything. You're at the complete & utter mercy of whoever you're with; a slave to your own desire. It was incredible.
Thinking about it now - trying to remember - I can just remember that look in N's eyes and face. Jesus, it's been so long since we've had sex I have to stretch my mind to recall it. God that sux. God that hurts. So long since we've had sex....
I remembered last weekend at a visit to N that it's been ages since he's done the totally-fucking-horny thing of going up close to kiss me, then denying me it. I can feel a little jump inside my chest just thinking of it. Oh God, sooooo horny. He used to do that to me in bed - surprise me with it. Something about it drives me seriously fucking wild. Just as being kissed on the neck does. Oh goooood!!! Just thinking about it is turning me on!
I think it's a combination of things - power, seductive, control, teasing. It used to get me so wet. Making me beg for a kiss, whether we were fucking or not. mmmmm....
So the title of this post is 'excited nervousness' because......
Wait for it..... (to anyone who actually reads this blog, of which I think that number is zero)
We're definitely going ahead with the man whore.
!!
In fact, N just told me a few short hours ago that it's probably going to be next weekend! Arhhh!! It's so tricky to organise with phone calls here there and everywhere from inside a prison to the outside. Man whore N is a very busy boy (must be good!!) and is often being flown all over the place by his little bitches-on-heat. It was perhaps going to be about 3 weeks from now, but then suddenly a client has cancelled & he's free next weekend. !!
N said he's looking forward to it & I said 'but he fucks all the time, how can he be?' not believing that be could be looking forward to sleeping with someone like me. I mean, not a client and stuff. N said he has mostly regular clients so it probably gets pretty same-old same-old (what, like a girlfriend? I said & laughed), so someone like little ole me will be different for him. A sympathy fuck I keep saying to N! No, he says.
I suppose it makes me feel sort of special then, but terribly, terribly terrified & excited. N and i have been talking about it (for what seems) so long - saying yes, planing it, booking it in, changing our minds, talking about it some more and some more and some more - it feels almost normal now.
Did you hear that? Normal!! Oh my god! Anyone reading this blog must know that my life is so completely abnormal it's not funny (but actually it's totally hilarious). 5 years ago I was lonely & desperate for a man to love & lust with & I didn't know he was soon round the corner. Then we met, feel deeply in love, fucked like it was going out of fashion, learnt about (almost all) of each other's flaws & dreamed of our future together. Back then I couldn't imagine having a baby - we definitely wanted some, but not when I did fall pregnant. But, we reasoned (and still do), all things happen for reason and whilst I was disappointed I never got to travel on my own or with a partner & finish my studies before a bub, it all worked out for the best. And THEN I could never, ever have imagined the way our lives would go - N going to jail & me becoming a single mum. Never in a million years did I think something like that could ever happen to me. It wasn't even something I'd ever remotely thought about. You know when you see stories on the news and for a fleeting second you imagine what it'd be like if that happened to you (mostly, strangely, macabre stuff for me - death, tragedy, but sometimes winning lotto, i am human after all!), but when I saw stories of people going to jail (especially for fraud given N had been inside for fraud once before) I never, ever thought about that happening to me.
But it did and it has. And then (again!) I never thought I'd actually seriously be considering sleeping with a man whore. I mean, ever, in any context, let alone this one, let alone partly organised & 100% consented by my partner. I mean, I don't think I ever thought they really existed here in the city I live. But they do and there's more and more of then - the demand is growing! I know because I'm a dirty slut and I read the adult services columns in the weekend paper just for fun. *wink*
Fuck me life is weird. Seriously, totally, utterly weird. This morning I was at a toddler course for dealing with the little beings and next weekend I might be having sex. Not only have sex with someone other than my partner, but a prostitute. And just a prostitute, a male one. And not only a male man whore, but one I'm not paying for either! Call my life a lesson in weird things happening!
Hmm, if I read this to N he'll be expecting me to be talking about the actual fucking of/with the man whore. But shit, I can't really think about much. I don't know what he looks like and it's still such a bizarre thought, it's hard to hold it in my head and indulge in it. And then of course, there's the hugely significant fact that I'll be having sex with someone other then the man I truly, madly, deeply love.
Just one teeny, tiny thing there - I won't be having sex with my dear sweet N.
But N & S decided a while ago that in order for this to happen, N has to get something out of it too. Which I think is totally fair enough - the poor guy is suffering enough without sex and life in general in there, and now he's going to let me go off and fuck someone else. he's actually going to endure that. As much as I'm looking forward to it (I'm just being honest!) I'm also dreading it, thinking about how the night will be for N. And for me. How will be both cope with what I'll be doing? So N & S decided there should be some 'terms and conditions' that need to be stipulated. Uh oh I thought - what?! But I do really think they're a good idea.
N has to get something out of it. So he wants 2 T & Cs that specifically will benefit him, and 1 that'll benefit us (I think I have that right). I was a bit confused at 1st and thought he was talking about something I should do with the man whore that would be good for him. I was thinking 'huh?'. But fortunately that's since been clarified (after we cancelled the 1st 'date' with him which was good, otherwise we wouldn't have talked about all this properly). He was meaning anything. Listen to more porn I have, more phone sex etc etc. So I reluctantly agreed (given my stance on phone sex) to give him phone sex 3 times a week for 5 weeks (I said 1 month, he said 2 we settled on 5 weeks). BUT that will only start after thesis is due at end of Oct. Geez, he has alot of faith in me that I'll follow through! lol But if I do actually go ahead and suck and fuck and do all sorts of naughty things with MWN I'll be feeling so incredibly guilty I imagine I'll be willing to do anything!
Change of topic:
Bought 3 sex-related books from Amazon in the last week (The sexual revolution 2.0; Naked on the internet; and Transcendent sex: when lovemaking opens the veil). Credit card probably back up over the limit! I'm seriously debating doing a PhD (providing I get in and get a scholarship - just a minor hiccup!) on something relating to female sexuality, sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual something. But definitely relating to women. Women's issues and bodies will never stop fascinating me. Whether it's weight or eating or our place in this still patriarchal world or sex, we fascinate me.
And reading (and now doing one) so many sex blogs (men's too - they're seriously fantastic!) it's really making me wonder about female sexual expression via sex blogs. Does it change them? Change their sex life? Change the way they are and think about themselves sexually? Does it help? how? how much? Self-reflection and all that, but in a public way (albeit anonymously - a crucial point I think).
Something like that I think... can't quite put my finger on it yet (the exact topic) which is making me panic as I've had over a year to think about it! But my original ideas I found mostly already done and frankly, I'm sick of researching, thinking and talking about women's weight (read: my weight) and psychological factors related to it. I don't believe we gain lots of weight just because we can't be bothered eating right or exercising. Hell, most of us having been on a diet and weight yo-yo treadmill for so long have encyclopedic knowledge of what to eat, what exercise to do etc. But we still don't necessarily do it. But we don't sit where we currently are weight-wise and go 'that's ok, i totally accept and love myself as I am'. Yeah right.
Anyway, sick of that. But not sick of women's issues. N reckons tonnes of women's weight issues (and mine, I'm about a size 14-16) are to do with sex and sexuality. Deep down, I think he's quite right. Amongst other issues though - there is never 1 single cause for anything.
Hmm, think I'll have a little hanky-panky with myself now! he he
So much for study tonight!
Friday, 24 August 2007
My sex life is sex blogs
I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
I'm living my (and our) sex life vicariously through sex blogs. I'm so addicted to them - so many of them are absolutely fantastic. And not just because they're super horny, but because so many people write so well. And the range of topics & particular kinks are truly out of this world. I love sex blogs!
I'm living my (and our) sex life vicariously through sex blogs. I'm so addicted to them - so many of them are absolutely fantastic. And not just because they're super horny, but because so many people write so well. And the range of topics & particular kinks are truly out of this world. I love sex blogs!
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Trapped
A post orgasm rush of thoughts, emotions & feelings
*oh God get me out of here*
I feel so so so so so so trapped. Trapped by the things & people I love. I don't remember ever feeling this way. Lost yes, depressed yes, angry yes, but trapped? Never.
Me...*crying* who was once so independent & free. Fearful of life & hating her body, but FREE.
And then I fell in love. Love is lie. It DECEIVES you. People think 'love will set me free' and all you need is love, but love sucks you in, bleeds you dry and traps you in its seductive web. And before you know it, the lust has past and love has set in. Love that keeps you stuck to that person. Love that lets horrible things happen to you. Love that gives you a relationship, a child and responsibilies. Love that see's you stick around - tied to a string - when they go away for committing a crime. Tied to the phone, tied to my child, tied to my studies - once the thing I loved so much is now feeling like a weight. Is that because it's near the end of my thesis? I felt like this a bit at the end of my other degree. A degree I mostly hated though. The closer you get to the end, the harder it is to finish.
Hmm, that sounds like the ending of a relationship - human; although studying for years makes you in a relationship to books & knowledge. *sigh* I do love knowledge though. I learn & read like a sponge. I do love it.
A ha! There it is again - that pesky little thing called 'love'.
A love my mother - but JESUS MOTHER FUCKING ARSEHOLE CRIST she is truly truly TRULY a weight. A stone tied to my feet dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. I see her helpless, fragile, needy. Her neediness seeping out of her like tentacles; desperately reaching for anyone that passes her, trying to suck them in to help her. And if they do come close to 'help' she never does what they ask.
So you drown...sink sink sink to the bottom.
Love ties you down, drags you down, keeps you attached to everything.
When I came watching 20 second porn of a girl getting ass-fucked on a chair legs behind ears, her ass hanging off the edge, pussy lips swollen in excitement, I wanted to rush outside & breath in the night air and just GO.
I used to do that all the time. Night air used to be so important to me. I'd die without it (notice I'm not saying that L word). 100% one of my all-time favourite smells, night air. When you've been inside for hours & you open the door & quickly in rushes the fresh, distinct smell of the stars & velvet sky. In a few seconds it's gone, my olfactory cells adapting swiftly to a new, but familiar smell.
I'd go walking at night, driving at night to the beach, to see the moon. The colder the better - all the more to rug up in and feel the cutting briskness of the air try to slice me. But I'd be protected and warm; you can't get me.
Protected and warm.... protected like my weight? By excess body fat a protection?
*oh God get me out of here*
I feel so so so so so so trapped. Trapped by the things & people I love. I don't remember ever feeling this way. Lost yes, depressed yes, angry yes, but trapped? Never.
Me...*crying* who was once so independent & free. Fearful of life & hating her body, but FREE.
And then I fell in love. Love is lie. It DECEIVES you. People think 'love will set me free' and all you need is love, but love sucks you in, bleeds you dry and traps you in its seductive web. And before you know it, the lust has past and love has set in. Love that keeps you stuck to that person. Love that lets horrible things happen to you. Love that gives you a relationship, a child and responsibilies. Love that see's you stick around - tied to a string - when they go away for committing a crime. Tied to the phone, tied to my child, tied to my studies - once the thing I loved so much is now feeling like a weight. Is that because it's near the end of my thesis? I felt like this a bit at the end of my other degree. A degree I mostly hated though. The closer you get to the end, the harder it is to finish.
Hmm, that sounds like the ending of a relationship - human; although studying for years makes you in a relationship to books & knowledge. *sigh* I do love knowledge though. I learn & read like a sponge. I do love it.
A ha! There it is again - that pesky little thing called 'love'.
A love my mother - but JESUS MOTHER FUCKING ARSEHOLE CRIST she is truly truly TRULY a weight. A stone tied to my feet dragging me down to the bottom of the ocean. I see her helpless, fragile, needy. Her neediness seeping out of her like tentacles; desperately reaching for anyone that passes her, trying to suck them in to help her. And if they do come close to 'help' she never does what they ask.
So you drown...sink sink sink to the bottom.
Love ties you down, drags you down, keeps you attached to everything.
When I came watching 20 second porn of a girl getting ass-fucked on a chair legs behind ears, her ass hanging off the edge, pussy lips swollen in excitement, I wanted to rush outside & breath in the night air and just GO.
I used to do that all the time. Night air used to be so important to me. I'd die without it (notice I'm not saying that L word). 100% one of my all-time favourite smells, night air. When you've been inside for hours & you open the door & quickly in rushes the fresh, distinct smell of the stars & velvet sky. In a few seconds it's gone, my olfactory cells adapting swiftly to a new, but familiar smell.
I'd go walking at night, driving at night to the beach, to see the moon. The colder the better - all the more to rug up in and feel the cutting briskness of the air try to slice me. But I'd be protected and warm; you can't get me.
Protected and warm.... protected like my weight? By excess body fat a protection?
Long time no blog
Fuck my life is busy, stressful, crazy, annoying.
Just been so overwhelmed by what seems like everything.
God I can be so dramatic!
Sex? Masturbation? Phone sex? Are you serious? With this much shit going on?? Having said that I took a leaf out of N's book & wanked for (what I thought would be) for stress relief. But turns out when I came I instantly thought 'take me away' and starting crying......
My life, relative only to my life, can be so tough; such hard work; so emotionally exhausting. I want a break; I want to be taken away. That's why I've been thinking about the man whore again & now S is going to ask him again for N & I to set up another date, and this time, hopefully, it'll happen.
I can't believe I said that. I can but I can't. I want it, but I don't. I want it because I NEED to get away from this crazy life - even for a few hours. I don't have money, I don't have many choices and I do have a toddler & study commitments. I can't just up & leave on a holiday. And gee, by myself & toddler? Er...no. But then again, I don't want to do it because - remember - I am actually in a relationship. Albeit a fucking strange one that exists in a physically-dead, emotionally alive, 100% no-sex zone. Yes that would be a prison.
Shit, shit, shit. I can cut myself off for one night can't I? Not think about my life...not think about N and what this is doing to him, to me, to US. Would I be human though if I could cut myself off that easily? Sometimes I think I'm capable of that; and that scares me. But then I realise I'm just kidding myself - I'm not a sociopath after all. I do have a conscience, I do feel (serious) guilt. Never could fucking lie. Can't really say the same for N! Now I feel like a bitch...
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Either way I turn in my life I feel it.
But then I turn around in my head again & think 'yes, but (quiet possibly) another 3 years without sex? Without any sort of physical intimacy?' and the weird thing is, before N put the man whore idea in my head, I think I could have well & truly done that. Because I love him. I had resigned myself to that if I am to stay with him. But then he suggested for stress relief, fucking the man whore. We were heading down that track anyway weren't we? Threesomes, more adventures. Ironic how him being in jail has somehow made us MORE adventurous in some ways. But maybe that's only in our heads - because we're not getting any, we've become little fantasy-ites. Living in la-la land to cope with what has happened to our relationship.
Is the man whore just another fantasy that could be fatal in acted out???
But shit, why can't I have it? Why not? After all I'm going through, gone through and will go through.
Just been so overwhelmed by what seems like everything.
God I can be so dramatic!
Sex? Masturbation? Phone sex? Are you serious? With this much shit going on?? Having said that I took a leaf out of N's book & wanked for (what I thought would be) for stress relief. But turns out when I came I instantly thought 'take me away' and starting crying......
My life, relative only to my life, can be so tough; such hard work; so emotionally exhausting. I want a break; I want to be taken away. That's why I've been thinking about the man whore again & now S is going to ask him again for N & I to set up another date, and this time, hopefully, it'll happen.
I can't believe I said that. I can but I can't. I want it, but I don't. I want it because I NEED to get away from this crazy life - even for a few hours. I don't have money, I don't have many choices and I do have a toddler & study commitments. I can't just up & leave on a holiday. And gee, by myself & toddler? Er...no. But then again, I don't want to do it because - remember - I am actually in a relationship. Albeit a fucking strange one that exists in a physically-dead, emotionally alive, 100% no-sex zone. Yes that would be a prison.
Shit, shit, shit. I can cut myself off for one night can't I? Not think about my life...not think about N and what this is doing to him, to me, to US. Would I be human though if I could cut myself off that easily? Sometimes I think I'm capable of that; and that scares me. But then I realise I'm just kidding myself - I'm not a sociopath after all. I do have a conscience, I do feel (serious) guilt. Never could fucking lie. Can't really say the same for N! Now I feel like a bitch...
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Either way I turn in my life I feel it.
But then I turn around in my head again & think 'yes, but (quiet possibly) another 3 years without sex? Without any sort of physical intimacy?' and the weird thing is, before N put the man whore idea in my head, I think I could have well & truly done that. Because I love him. I had resigned myself to that if I am to stay with him. But then he suggested for stress relief, fucking the man whore. We were heading down that track anyway weren't we? Threesomes, more adventures. Ironic how him being in jail has somehow made us MORE adventurous in some ways. But maybe that's only in our heads - because we're not getting any, we've become little fantasy-ites. Living in la-la land to cope with what has happened to our relationship.
Is the man whore just another fantasy that could be fatal in acted out???
But shit, why can't I have it? Why not? After all I'm going through, gone through and will go through.
Sunday, 5 August 2007
50 reasons
N & I were talking today after I'd read excerpts to him from a fantastic book I bought from Amazon.com called 'Sex & love in intimate relationships' by Firestone, Firestone & Catlett. I'm going to photocopy as much as I can for him - he'd love it. He's said in the past he would genuinely love to study sexology, human sexuality etc., and not just because he's a high-sexed guy! He truly believes that sex & sexuality lies at the heart of every human and is essentially what makes us or breaks us. In our little 'therapy' sessions we've focused alot on me & my sexuality as he believes (as I do, but from a different perspective than him as he can see me from an outside perspective) alot of my weight & self-confidence issues are tied up with my sexuality. So far from what I've read in this book they entirely agree with him (not about weight, that's a different area) - sex & sexuality underpins everything we are. I'd love to talk more about the book, and I will, but not right now as I wanted this post to be about N.
As I was saying N & I were talking this arvo about this book & I read him a bit from the chapter on love & in particular a vivid description a man gives of love & loving his wife still, after 25 years. It was very moving & inspiring. I asked N something a bit confronting really - why does he think I still love him & stay with him despite all that he's put me through? Seriously, does he have any idea why? Obviously I love him; but why? What is it specifically? We didn't quite get round to discussing things more fully - and why he particularly loves me (although that's obvious - I've stuck by him through all he's crap, he's got to love me! he he).
But I've often thought that too - what is it about N that i love so much I'm willing to make the sacrifices I have? Despite the betrayals & deception (about his business, specifically not telling me things that were happening). People break up all the time from much lessor things. 'Plenty more fish in the sea' and really, quite literally I guess there is. I admitted to N i had thought thoughts such as 'do I not break up with him because I'm scared of being alone? because I don't think I'll find anyone who understands me as much as he does? Puts up with me? Because we have a child?' I think these are all classic thoughts people tell themselves when debating whether to stay or go. Plus avoiding the intense emotional pain break-ups bring & the 'i'll never get over them' fears. So why do I love him? I thought I'd write as many reasons as I can down. Then read them to him - I've been reading him my blogs anyway which has been great as I tend to express myself alot better in writing, so reading aloud to him my writings gives him greater insight into me too.
Here goes:
As I was saying N & I were talking this arvo about this book & I read him a bit from the chapter on love & in particular a vivid description a man gives of love & loving his wife still, after 25 years. It was very moving & inspiring. I asked N something a bit confronting really - why does he think I still love him & stay with him despite all that he's put me through? Seriously, does he have any idea why? Obviously I love him; but why? What is it specifically? We didn't quite get round to discussing things more fully - and why he particularly loves me (although that's obvious - I've stuck by him through all he's crap, he's got to love me! he he).
But I've often thought that too - what is it about N that i love so much I'm willing to make the sacrifices I have? Despite the betrayals & deception (about his business, specifically not telling me things that were happening). People break up all the time from much lessor things. 'Plenty more fish in the sea' and really, quite literally I guess there is. I admitted to N i had thought thoughts such as 'do I not break up with him because I'm scared of being alone? because I don't think I'll find anyone who understands me as much as he does? Puts up with me? Because we have a child?' I think these are all classic thoughts people tell themselves when debating whether to stay or go. Plus avoiding the intense emotional pain break-ups bring & the 'i'll never get over them' fears. So why do I love him? I thought I'd write as many reasons as I can down. Then read them to him - I've been reading him my blogs anyway which has been great as I tend to express myself alot better in writing, so reading aloud to him my writings gives him greater insight into me too.
Here goes:
- He's kind
- He's generous
- He's sweet
- He's very cute & good looking
- He's tall & masculine
- He's gentle but strong
- He's fucking amazing in bed & is sexually adventurous
- He really listens to me & understands me
- He loves all of me
- He thinks my body is the sexiest thing ever
- He loves me when I look gross, smell gross & say gross things
- He's very open-minded
- He's self-aware
- He's had therapy & is willing to do more
- He's spiritual & has similar beliefs as me
- He'll do anything to make me come
- He thinks me coming is more important then him coming
- He's smells good
- He's incredibly creative, artisitic & talented at what he does
- He's a hard-worker & is dedicated to his work
- He's very passionate - in work, love & sex
- He's very considerate of others
- He's willing to look at & admit his faults & is open to change
- He's totally & utterly supportive of me & what I want to do in life
- He's patient
- He see's the flaws in his childhood & wants our son to not experience those
- He tolerates my moodiness
- He buys me flowers
- He's thinks it's important I be showered with gifts
- He understands how important my friends are & supports me in my friendships
- He's willing to go to men's groups & is open to that
- He wants to give me 'everything'
- He has new awareness into his past behaviours (business) and has made many steps to change
- He's studying & expanding his mind
- He writes beautiful & horny letters to me
- He loves porn as much as I do
- He's very aware of sexuality and not just sex
- He's not into sport or being at the pub every night & is not a typical Aussie bloke
- He can really dance
- He struggles to jerk off to pictures of strange (but beautiful) women and would rather have a picture of me
- He thinks my farts are cute
- He's uniquely supportive of me through my weight & body 'journey'
- He's been suportive of me through every diet, every time I've vowed never to diet again, my body loathing & loving & changing
- He's loved me at the biggest I've ever been & the smallest he's ever seen me
- He wants to 'take care of me' and take me around the world & build me a beautiful house
- He's thoughtful & romantic
- He sends me cards
- He wants to have more babies with me
- He's tried a yoga class with me
- He's the fucking sexist guy I've ever met
Isn't love amazing? :)
Thursday, 2 August 2007
Happy b'day to me
It's my birthday tomorrow. Yay!! Although sad as always as N not here. Although he did manage to have this HUGE bunch of orchids delivered. So kind... I really miss getting flowers; he used to give me flowers alot. And got cards in the mail from him & TS. And other family & friends too, so I've been feeling really good.
This week has been much better than last few weeks. Saw my counsellor again & my Uni supervisor, which has really gotten me back on track.
We had phone sex today as it's been a while. He complains that I don't let him listen to any of the new porn I get so I put some on & sat close to the TV so he & I could listen together. Was fun but annoying after a while being so close to the TV. So I switched it off & stuck the cock (which was on the TV) on the leg of the table & got on all 4's to suck it. mmmm... Came with it in my arse. Naughty!
Today out of the blue, quite jokingly he said 'bitch' to me. Very unlike him, even if we're arguing. But I'd told him I'd been reading some blogs on domination & submission so I think he kind of took that up. I must admit I quite liked it. because I know there's no malice or anything behind it, just fun. I hate it when he calls me 'girl', but love it in phone sex when he tells me I'm a 'good girl' (sucking cock, taking it in my arse etc). weird how 1 simple word can make all the difference.
I confess I've been thinking again about the man whore. I admitted it to N too. So... we've been thinking about it again. Don't know if that's right or wrong or what... we both want it to happen but don't - because we love each other & are scared of the repercussions...
Hmm, had a few red wines tonight & don't feel I'm writing that well, but just wanted to sign in. Bye bye!
This week has been much better than last few weeks. Saw my counsellor again & my Uni supervisor, which has really gotten me back on track.
We had phone sex today as it's been a while. He complains that I don't let him listen to any of the new porn I get so I put some on & sat close to the TV so he & I could listen together. Was fun but annoying after a while being so close to the TV. So I switched it off & stuck the cock (which was on the TV) on the leg of the table & got on all 4's to suck it. mmmm... Came with it in my arse. Naughty!
Today out of the blue, quite jokingly he said 'bitch' to me. Very unlike him, even if we're arguing. But I'd told him I'd been reading some blogs on domination & submission so I think he kind of took that up. I must admit I quite liked it. because I know there's no malice or anything behind it, just fun. I hate it when he calls me 'girl', but love it in phone sex when he tells me I'm a 'good girl' (sucking cock, taking it in my arse etc). weird how 1 simple word can make all the difference.
I confess I've been thinking again about the man whore. I admitted it to N too. So... we've been thinking about it again. Don't know if that's right or wrong or what... we both want it to happen but don't - because we love each other & are scared of the repercussions...
Hmm, had a few red wines tonight & don't feel I'm writing that well, but just wanted to sign in. Bye bye!
Saturday, 28 July 2007
I'm in a prison too
It's been a really fucking awful week. Possibly one of the worst I've had so far since N's been inside. I wanted this blog to be mainly about sex & naughty stuff, but I have also said in my title 'relationships' and since so much of my life is effected by trying to negotiate life & a relationship with someone in jail, I can't help but write about it and how much it affects my life.
Toddler son being sick - and now me too, still have a blocked right ear - has been hugely stressful and demanding. With him sleeping in my bed most nights & just being so clingy generally (b/c of being sick) I've been getting little sleep & no time for ME. A few nights ago as he had woken up yet again & I was trying to settle him, I cradled him in my arms at 2am in his room, rocking him & rocking me as my tears feel silently & profusely down my face. I felt so trapped, so suffocated and so ANGRY. I felt pure rage at N for putting me in this position. I didn't sign up for this, I thought. How dare he do this to me? Every single day of my life now is swallowed up by being a single parent & struggling to survive in this challenging life I now lead.
If he loves me so much why is he doing this to me? Not exactly rational thoughts as I know intellectually that it's not like he purposely doing anything to me or purposely ever intended to hurt anyone. But don't they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions?
This past week I've felt myself slipping & slidding once again into a depression. Felt the pressures of my life start to crush me. As I've been screaming down the phone to N and yelling at toddler son (TS) as my patience wears down, I hated myself & my life. I've felt like a terrible mother. The poor little thing, he doesn't deserve this. Having him home from day care (MIL took him Wed thank GOD) & virtually full time has driven me to near insantity. And he's mostly a good kid for Christ's sake. But him being sick and nearly 3 - I've heard 3 is worse then the 'terrible 2's - and now really becoming a 'boy' with all the energy that entails has stretched me to breaking point.
I've had thoughts of 'why the fuck would anyone actually want to be a parent?' and 'how the fuck did my life end up this way?' and 'how the FUCK does anyone chose to stay at home and be a full time parent???' That shit is fucked up. I just don't have the patience. I've always thought parenting is almost purely about patience. And other p's too - praise and positivity. Maybe I'm just a selfish, selfish person. Maybe I shouldn't have had a kid... God, am I really thinking that?
And all my anger has been directed at N. So much for the all the forgiveness stuff I wrote about a few blogs ago. When you're living it on a daily basis, it's so fucking hard to feel warm and fuzzy and in love.
I've truly hated myself this week as I yelled at TS and threw things around his room in frustration. Hating that he's witnessing my inappropriate behaviour. What kind of a parent am I? What kind of a role model? He's sick, I should be more tolerant, I should be more patient. But while his nose has been running, his little legs and brain have been runnning too and once over his fever he's returned (thank God really) to his normal energetic self. Testing my limits & boundaries - a perfectly normal thing for a toddler to do.
But he has a mummy in a prefectly abnormal situation & abnormal life.
This week too I've really felt a strong sense of watching as my dreams of the future drain out of me from sheer exhaustion. I've had so little motivation to work on my thesis. Something I was once so passionate about now no longer grabs me. And I fucking hate that. Hate that life over the past year and a half has drained things from me. My energy, my drive, my passion. I'm in a prison too - watching as all my dreams start to fade. Watching my thoughts as I start to think 'ok life, you won. I can't be bothererd anymore. I don't have the energy to keep going'.
And I hate that. Hate that I'm starting to not care anymore. Hate that something I once was looking forward to - doing a PhD - is something I now think 'whatever'. If it's meant to happen it will, but only with a scholarship as financially and emotionally I just CAN'T keep going like this. If I don't get it I'll find a part time job. I've got 2 degree's for fucks sake. One with Honours. I've got work experience - although that was a while ago... I really love research, but maybe (and I can't BELIEVE I'm now thinking this) this isn't the right time to start a PhD. Maybe in the future when my life has calmed down I'll do it. But will I? Really? Realistically that would probably only be when N is out & working & earning heaps of money. Is that going to happen? How do I know? Will we even still be together - can I make through all this?
I hate that life's experiences is beating me down. beating out my optimism (and I would say I'm usually a very optimistic person, even in the face of sheer crap) and my goals. I hate that youthful enthusiasm and naivity really can get squashed by the harsh realities of life. I'm a kid at heart (my moon is in Gemini) but lately I feel like a jaded adult. Feeling like every day N is in prison he's hurting me and I want to hurt him back. So much for forgiveness.
Last night was the night I was supposed to be having sex with the man whore. But as we'd decided against it I went out to dinner, wine & movies with girlfriend T. Was very fun. She's single at 30 (I'm 32 this coming friday) and feeling very jaded by men and life too. God how did we end up this way???
I punished N yesterday by not going up to visit him with TS. Am supposed to be going today at 1pm and probably will as TS still stayed over at his grandparents so I could have the night off. I screamed down the phone the other day 'I should've gone ahead and met MWN and fucked him stupid all night and made you suffer the way you make me suffer'. I really really felt that, my rage at him was so huge. Life for me seems to be getting harder the longer he's away. Which I'm truly surprised at. I seem to be going backwards emotionally with the whole prison thing. How do women honestly sustain and hang in there whilst their partner is in jail? How do they negotiate the radical change in the relationship landscape??? If they chose to stay, how do they deal with it? If it's 1 year, 3 years, 10 years? How?? Possible PhD topic right there.
I think another thing too that's been adding to everything this week is that I've been reading heaps of sex blogs which I REALLY REALLY love and have been having fun with. But I can't believe it, they've started to make me feel worse and even more sad that all these things people are getting up too - all the things N and I so desperately want to do - I can't. It's only reminding me of the life I lead without sex. It's making me more obsessed with it - which I thought was a good thing as I was feeling quite muted with it all - but it's having a negative effect on me.
*ooohhh* Just had a realisation - maybe why I have so muted with it and so disliking of phone sex is b/c subconsciously I've been trying to protect myself from these feelings of sadness and longing that have come up. Protect myself from being reminded of all the things I (and I & N) can't do while he's in prison. Why fucking remind yourself of that? Why torture yourself by your fantasies and wishful, lustful thinking? Isn't it better to try and switch it all off and save yourself the pain? Hmm...
Haven't seen counsellor for 2 weeks and I think that too has really affected me. Thank God she's free (she's in training for some new type of therapy so she's filming me but I don't care) but when it ends on Nov I don't know how I'll cope.... Maybe things'll better then, maybe I'll be feeling stronger... who knows?
Toddler son being sick - and now me too, still have a blocked right ear - has been hugely stressful and demanding. With him sleeping in my bed most nights & just being so clingy generally (b/c of being sick) I've been getting little sleep & no time for ME. A few nights ago as he had woken up yet again & I was trying to settle him, I cradled him in my arms at 2am in his room, rocking him & rocking me as my tears feel silently & profusely down my face. I felt so trapped, so suffocated and so ANGRY. I felt pure rage at N for putting me in this position. I didn't sign up for this, I thought. How dare he do this to me? Every single day of my life now is swallowed up by being a single parent & struggling to survive in this challenging life I now lead.
If he loves me so much why is he doing this to me? Not exactly rational thoughts as I know intellectually that it's not like he purposely doing anything to me or purposely ever intended to hurt anyone. But don't they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions?
This past week I've felt myself slipping & slidding once again into a depression. Felt the pressures of my life start to crush me. As I've been screaming down the phone to N and yelling at toddler son (TS) as my patience wears down, I hated myself & my life. I've felt like a terrible mother. The poor little thing, he doesn't deserve this. Having him home from day care (MIL took him Wed thank GOD) & virtually full time has driven me to near insantity. And he's mostly a good kid for Christ's sake. But him being sick and nearly 3 - I've heard 3 is worse then the 'terrible 2's - and now really becoming a 'boy' with all the energy that entails has stretched me to breaking point.
I've had thoughts of 'why the fuck would anyone actually want to be a parent?' and 'how the fuck did my life end up this way?' and 'how the FUCK does anyone chose to stay at home and be a full time parent???' That shit is fucked up. I just don't have the patience. I've always thought parenting is almost purely about patience. And other p's too - praise and positivity. Maybe I'm just a selfish, selfish person. Maybe I shouldn't have had a kid... God, am I really thinking that?
And all my anger has been directed at N. So much for the all the forgiveness stuff I wrote about a few blogs ago. When you're living it on a daily basis, it's so fucking hard to feel warm and fuzzy and in love.
I've truly hated myself this week as I yelled at TS and threw things around his room in frustration. Hating that he's witnessing my inappropriate behaviour. What kind of a parent am I? What kind of a role model? He's sick, I should be more tolerant, I should be more patient. But while his nose has been running, his little legs and brain have been runnning too and once over his fever he's returned (thank God really) to his normal energetic self. Testing my limits & boundaries - a perfectly normal thing for a toddler to do.
But he has a mummy in a prefectly abnormal situation & abnormal life.
This week too I've really felt a strong sense of watching as my dreams of the future drain out of me from sheer exhaustion. I've had so little motivation to work on my thesis. Something I was once so passionate about now no longer grabs me. And I fucking hate that. Hate that life over the past year and a half has drained things from me. My energy, my drive, my passion. I'm in a prison too - watching as all my dreams start to fade. Watching my thoughts as I start to think 'ok life, you won. I can't be bothererd anymore. I don't have the energy to keep going'.
And I hate that. Hate that I'm starting to not care anymore. Hate that something I once was looking forward to - doing a PhD - is something I now think 'whatever'. If it's meant to happen it will, but only with a scholarship as financially and emotionally I just CAN'T keep going like this. If I don't get it I'll find a part time job. I've got 2 degree's for fucks sake. One with Honours. I've got work experience - although that was a while ago... I really love research, but maybe (and I can't BELIEVE I'm now thinking this) this isn't the right time to start a PhD. Maybe in the future when my life has calmed down I'll do it. But will I? Really? Realistically that would probably only be when N is out & working & earning heaps of money. Is that going to happen? How do I know? Will we even still be together - can I make through all this?
I hate that life's experiences is beating me down. beating out my optimism (and I would say I'm usually a very optimistic person, even in the face of sheer crap) and my goals. I hate that youthful enthusiasm and naivity really can get squashed by the harsh realities of life. I'm a kid at heart (my moon is in Gemini) but lately I feel like a jaded adult. Feeling like every day N is in prison he's hurting me and I want to hurt him back. So much for forgiveness.
Last night was the night I was supposed to be having sex with the man whore. But as we'd decided against it I went out to dinner, wine & movies with girlfriend T. Was very fun. She's single at 30 (I'm 32 this coming friday) and feeling very jaded by men and life too. God how did we end up this way???
I punished N yesterday by not going up to visit him with TS. Am supposed to be going today at 1pm and probably will as TS still stayed over at his grandparents so I could have the night off. I screamed down the phone the other day 'I should've gone ahead and met MWN and fucked him stupid all night and made you suffer the way you make me suffer'. I really really felt that, my rage at him was so huge. Life for me seems to be getting harder the longer he's away. Which I'm truly surprised at. I seem to be going backwards emotionally with the whole prison thing. How do women honestly sustain and hang in there whilst their partner is in jail? How do they negotiate the radical change in the relationship landscape??? If they chose to stay, how do they deal with it? If it's 1 year, 3 years, 10 years? How?? Possible PhD topic right there.
I think another thing too that's been adding to everything this week is that I've been reading heaps of sex blogs which I REALLY REALLY love and have been having fun with. But I can't believe it, they've started to make me feel worse and even more sad that all these things people are getting up too - all the things N and I so desperately want to do - I can't. It's only reminding me of the life I lead without sex. It's making me more obsessed with it - which I thought was a good thing as I was feeling quite muted with it all - but it's having a negative effect on me.
*ooohhh* Just had a realisation - maybe why I have so muted with it and so disliking of phone sex is b/c subconsciously I've been trying to protect myself from these feelings of sadness and longing that have come up. Protect myself from being reminded of all the things I (and I & N) can't do while he's in prison. Why fucking remind yourself of that? Why torture yourself by your fantasies and wishful, lustful thinking? Isn't it better to try and switch it all off and save yourself the pain? Hmm...
Haven't seen counsellor for 2 weeks and I think that too has really affected me. Thank God she's free (she's in training for some new type of therapy so she's filming me but I don't care) but when it ends on Nov I don't know how I'll cope.... Maybe things'll better then, maybe I'll be feeling stronger... who knows?
Tuesday, 24 July 2007
Another poem to N
Let me be your little slut
Let me be your whore
I will do it all for you
Coz it’s you that I adore
Turn me inside out with lust
And you’ll have me on my knees
Tease my tiny tight brown hole
Until I’m begging please
Shatter all my walls, my pride
Take me to a place
Where cock is all I need to have
Then cum right on my face
Tie me up and hold me back
Til I’m dripping wet with need
Give it to me everywhere
Then fill me with your seed
Then when it comes to my turn
To play with you at will
I’ll lick and suck and squeeze and taste
Til near I’ve had my fill
Holding apart my smooth round cheeks
I will face you away
Then lower my ass upon your cock
And you’ll have nothing left to say
I’ll lick it clean and taste myself
Smothered on your shaft
Then slow & deep we go again
To finish hard and fast
My darling, my honey
My sweet sweet love
I need you all inside of me
You fit me like a glove.
Let me be your whore
I will do it all for you
Coz it’s you that I adore
Turn me inside out with lust
And you’ll have me on my knees
Tease my tiny tight brown hole
Until I’m begging please
Shatter all my walls, my pride
Take me to a place
Where cock is all I need to have
Then cum right on my face
Tie me up and hold me back
Til I’m dripping wet with need
Give it to me everywhere
Then fill me with your seed
Then when it comes to my turn
To play with you at will
I’ll lick and suck and squeeze and taste
Til near I’ve had my fill
Holding apart my smooth round cheeks
I will face you away
Then lower my ass upon your cock
And you’ll have nothing left to say
I’ll lick it clean and taste myself
Smothered on your shaft
Then slow & deep we go again
To finish hard and fast
My darling, my honey
My sweet sweet love
I need you all inside of me
You fit me like a glove.
Poem to N
To my darling punkin
I love you so so much
You help me find all parts of me
Both in & out as such
I love your sexy smile
You hair, your eyes, your lips
I love the words that come from you
Of which I take great sips
Each day we talk and talk and talk
And upon your heart I knock
But even better, though far apart
I always desire your cock
I need your shaft, your balls, your sperm
To fill me deep inside
I want you to see all of me
So there’s nothing I can hide
Kiss me kiss me kiss me hard
Kiss me soft and sweet
Kiss me where the sun don’t shine
And where you love to eat
Lick me with the words you say
And make me scream for you
I’ll make you come so fucking hard
You won’t know what to do
Share me with your special friends
And exploring we will go
Make me take and beg for more
From two or three you know
Taste my ass, my pussy, my mouth
And I’ll gladly taste all yours
Do me on the kitchen bench
Then do me on all fours
Fuck me hard all day and night
Then look me in the eyes
Ease it slowly in and out
Until you hear my cries
Come inside me over and over
I want us to be one
Make me come along the way
Don’t stop until we’re done.
I love you so so much
You help me find all parts of me
Both in & out as such
I love your sexy smile
You hair, your eyes, your lips
I love the words that come from you
Of which I take great sips
Each day we talk and talk and talk
And upon your heart I knock
But even better, though far apart
I always desire your cock
I need your shaft, your balls, your sperm
To fill me deep inside
I want you to see all of me
So there’s nothing I can hide
Kiss me kiss me kiss me hard
Kiss me soft and sweet
Kiss me where the sun don’t shine
And where you love to eat
Lick me with the words you say
And make me scream for you
I’ll make you come so fucking hard
You won’t know what to do
Share me with your special friends
And exploring we will go
Make me take and beg for more
From two or three you know
Taste my ass, my pussy, my mouth
And I’ll gladly taste all yours
Do me on the kitchen bench
Then do me on all fours
Fuck me hard all day and night
Then look me in the eyes
Ease it slowly in and out
Until you hear my cries
Come inside me over and over
I want us to be one
Make me come along the way
Don’t stop until we’re done.
Monday, 23 July 2007
Post orgasm drifting
mmmm...I can taste my pussy on my fingers.
Just spent 45 min's wasting my broadband connection by downloading short (anal) clips. Why do I do this?? Just slows everything down & I am getting new porn in a few days.
Answer: I'm obsessed.
Half way through toddler woke up AGAIN (woke up twice last night as I was trying to come - eventually I gave up) & I thought 'you've got to be fucking joking!' I mean, poor little guy full of a cold & sore throat, but Jesus Christ I'm going out of my mind!
I settled him back down & returned to this faithful computer & headphones and went for it. When I finally did come a few moments ago (from an ATM scene) I was thinking 'oh my God thank God!' and 'I wonder if this is how N feels after finally having phone sex with me after a while?' Hmm, I think I see it differently down, because I felt such relief and that I could take on anything. ie. Now that I've come, I can handle another sleepless night with toddler (if it has to be this way!).
Sure, N wanks alot in there - you have to! And I've joked to him: shit, there must be a hellova lot of wanking going on in there, I'm surprised the walls aren't shaking!). But as I've said before, he finds phone sex to be a connection with me; something that literally unblocks his sinuses and de-stresses him. I read somewhere once that orgasm & sex can have an anti-histamine effect on the body, so we presume that's what it is.
Oh my poor sweet N...God I can be such a bitch.
But seriously, I feel so fucking stressed and exhausted all the time. I get so little time to myself & giving to everyone else, when I have days off spending an hour doing phone sex frustrates and annoys me alot of the time.
It's so hard though - he is my partner & I want him to be happy in this shitty situation, but when do I get time for me? I've seriously never worked so hard in my life. Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet I've decided.
I've just got out another book by Thomas Moore called 'Dark nights of the soul'. It was recommended to me and both N & I really feel this is what we're going through at present. Something that challenges you to your deepest core. Something which you may or may not survive, and something that can go on & on. Definitely sounds like my life!
Just spent 45 min's wasting my broadband connection by downloading short (anal) clips. Why do I do this?? Just slows everything down & I am getting new porn in a few days.
Answer: I'm obsessed.
Half way through toddler woke up AGAIN (woke up twice last night as I was trying to come - eventually I gave up) & I thought 'you've got to be fucking joking!' I mean, poor little guy full of a cold & sore throat, but Jesus Christ I'm going out of my mind!
I settled him back down & returned to this faithful computer & headphones and went for it. When I finally did come a few moments ago (from an ATM scene) I was thinking 'oh my God thank God!' and 'I wonder if this is how N feels after finally having phone sex with me after a while?' Hmm, I think I see it differently down, because I felt such relief and that I could take on anything. ie. Now that I've come, I can handle another sleepless night with toddler (if it has to be this way!).
Sure, N wanks alot in there - you have to! And I've joked to him: shit, there must be a hellova lot of wanking going on in there, I'm surprised the walls aren't shaking!). But as I've said before, he finds phone sex to be a connection with me; something that literally unblocks his sinuses and de-stresses him. I read somewhere once that orgasm & sex can have an anti-histamine effect on the body, so we presume that's what it is.
Oh my poor sweet N...God I can be such a bitch.
But seriously, I feel so fucking stressed and exhausted all the time. I get so little time to myself & giving to everyone else, when I have days off spending an hour doing phone sex frustrates and annoys me alot of the time.
It's so hard though - he is my partner & I want him to be happy in this shitty situation, but when do I get time for me? I've seriously never worked so hard in my life. Single parents are the hardest working people on the planet I've decided.
I've just got out another book by Thomas Moore called 'Dark nights of the soul'. It was recommended to me and both N & I really feel this is what we're going through at present. Something that challenges you to your deepest core. Something which you may or may not survive, and something that can go on & on. Definitely sounds like my life!
God doesn't want me to masturbate
*sigh* Been a few days since last blogged, as lots going on. ie:
- Sex with man whore abandoned after much d & m's with N
- Ongoing dramas with loopy mother
- Toddler son sick (rush to hospital, but all OK)
- Now I'm sick dammit!
- Stressing about thesis as zero work done on it recently
And I have sooo much to do.... Typical!
Been getting friskier & friskier as haven't had chance to enjoy myself as been literally looking after son 24 hours/day - even sleeping with me as he won't settle. Fucking hell it's killing me not having ANY time to myself. No day care today as he's still sick (little raspy voice - quite cute!) .
Last masturbated last wednesday morning at - wait for it - 6am!! Totally unlike me as:
a) Never awake at this time
b) If I am, toddler son has usually crept into bed with me
But I had woken up early as was excited about the day's shopping ahead of me after receiving extra $$ from government for child care. Christ, the govt is paying for my knickers and bras! Money well spent then isn't it?
Decided last night I needed compensation since no longer having sex this weekend (which is a good thing) and am back to not knowing when the next time it'll be N and I will bonk. As I was saying to N, I was quite used to this and quite prepared to wait (see previous blog on deciding to stay with someone who has hurt you & on forgiveness etc), so really, we're just back to that.
Feeling to crap to go into details, but I kept saying to N 'are you sure you want me to do this? You can say no, it's really ok'. And he kept reassuring me it was all good. But then on sunday morning during our 1st phone call of the day, I asked what he'd been thinking that previous night and he confessed he'd been imaging that in a week from now I'd be having drinks with MWN, then going to a club, then maybe sucking his cock, then maybe fucking him etc. And the more the thought about it intimately and imagined what he'd be going through next saturday night, the more he felt uneasy. In fact, he said his intuition was saying to him 'careful, careful, careful' despite his head & cock thinking it was exciting.
I really respect N for listening to his intuition. He's naturally quite psychic when he tunes into himself (he had guys completely out of the blue coming up to him in prison & asking for readings. he would say 'yeah, but I don't really know what I'm doing'. But would just sit with them, close his eyes and get these images & thoughts & tell them to the guy, and they'd turn out to be totally spot on! Weird...)
His also said he got a blood nose - I think from the stress of it, despite it being exciting. Quietly listening to him say these things it became very obvious that this whole thing was a not-so-good idea at this point in time. I've always said to him, yes I will 100% meet this guy, but I can't say yes or no either way that i would go through with having sex with him. God knows, the thought of it thrills me - but then again the thought of just having sex again thrills me! I've always thought deep down inside, that when kiss comes to suck comes to fuck, I would probably back out. The whole situation would just remind me that it's not N I'm sleeping with - and I would start bawling my eyes out.
No amount of alcohol could stop me thinking about N. He's the man I love and he's the man who loves me. Yes, we want to have threesomes and all that, but not like this, not this way. This isn't even a threesome for Christs sake! We agreed that we should definitely do a threesome 1st (with S - he said to N after N had told him we were not going to go ahead with it, that he was secretly happy as it would mean HE would be the one to 'deflower' me into a double cock situation. he he! I told N to tell him, congratulations!) and then consider a situation like this. What we were thinking about here was really quite an advanced thing. The thought of not having N at least in the room when/if I'm with another guy, let alone participating, is really is not what he or I want.
So! I must say (& I told him) I don't feel disappointed. Which to me is a sign that it's the right thing for us to have done - to not do it. I said to N that maybe this was the Universe saying 'ok, you guys talk about alot of sex stuff, here's a situation I'll set up for you, but ultimately it's up to YOU as a COUPLE to decide'. And I feel we did and we passed. yay for us! I'm proud of N for being that honest with me and you know, I really pleased he couldn't handle it after all. This man loves me.
So...I consoled myself (even though I wasn't that inconsolable, but who cares!) buy buying some more anal porn. he he! Fuck I love the stuff... http://www.adultshop.com/ had some good specials & I justified putting more stuff on the credit card by only buying on sale stuff. Maybe I should buy some more toys?? hmm...
Thursday, 19 July 2007
Oh my God it's on!!
Holy shit!!! It's finally all organised & locked in - I'll be meeting & quite probably screwing man whore N on saturday night 28th July!! Yesterday afternoon N's friend S called his fellow man whore (also) N to confirm the date. MWN had previously said he was pretty sure that that saturday night was good, but had to check with a client she hadn't booked him for the night (how weird does that sound?!!) & turns out he's free - for me!
Then today the MIL had toddler son as usual & I asked her this morning if she could take him for a sleepover that night. She was the last link in the chain as son has only ever slept over there. Part of our plan is that I come up after (hopefully!) fucking MWN all night and see N so he can see me freshly fucked & everything. He doesn't want me to have a shower afterwards so he can see and smell the sex on me freshly fucked. But then we talked about it today (I'd already said I'd definitely be washing my make-up off though - not negotiable in my books) he said maybe that was being unrealisitc as MWN might screw me in the shower!! And I'm planning to visit him at 1pm that sunday, not 10am as usual (am taking toddler son for visit on the saturday instead of usual sunday visit, so I'll be going up both days) so he can see me straight away, and if I've been up all night I'll be needing a shower i think!
I have no doubt I'll be feeling very emotional both saturday before, and sunday after, the event. My God, I'll be having sex with a man outside of our relationship.... whoa
I know now I sound quite 'perfectly normal' about it all, and I also feel like I've been able to detach from any emotions associated with it. After getting over the initial fun of the idea, and then the seriousness of actually going through with it and dealing with those emotions, now I'm just excited! And N wants to hear me excited - he is too, but I think we're both still nervous about what we're actually doing here. It scares me a bit how easily I've been able to get excited about it and seperate out N from the equation. But I have to - this is such a unique situation and totally instigated by N & S inside. But most importantly, I said yes and now it's all on! Arhh!!
I've joked to N that I feel like I'll be MWN's 'sympathy fuck'. I mean because he'll be paying for everything (thank God) which is obviously totally opposite to how it usually works for him. Women pay him to have sex with them. Jesus christ he must be incredible in bed & pretty good looking. Holly crap!! What's he going to think of me??
Apparently he's got a plan is for the evening. Meet at around 7.30pm at a bar in the west end of town. Then move onto a nearby funky club for cocktails. I get real sleazy on cocktails! Case in point: N & I went to this same bar about 3 years ago & he & his friend bought me Cosmospolitan after Cosmopolitan (I love them!) and I was seriously drunk. I think I had about 8 - I'm surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning! We were all sitting around a table or something (the night is hazy) & next to me was some guy I barely knew, and I had my hand on his leg with N standing right there! What was I thinking?? Oh that's right, I wasn't - brain cells were being obliterated by alcohol! Another guy was saying to N 'look at your girlfriend mate, what's she's doing?!' but N was pretty cool about it and (nicely) decided we should leave. Thankfully he wasn't mad at me as he knew how drunk I was (it was HIS fault after all! lol) and what I was like when really drunk.
I don't want to get really pissed with this guy. I mean, I will definitely have a few drinks - the whole point is to have a fun night - but I don't want to make an idiot of myself and whilst I definitely feel more confident & sexy after a few, I think my sexual responsiveness is lessoned with too much alcohol. Same thing for men who can't get it up when really pissed. I going to be fucking nervous - shit, I'll probably be blushing like mad - so a drink or 2 will be a great social lubricant. Plus, I've had way too many one night stands and bad sex because I was too drunk & had little self respect. This is completely different though, in just about every way.
*Psychoanalysis alert* :
God, I wonder what it's going to be like? Will I really be able to have sex with another man - albeit a professional? I want to, N wants me to, but can I? When we seriously began considering the idea (or more accurately when I began seriously considering the idea, N wanted me to right from the start - how sweet!) I started to think 'you know, this might actually be a good opportunity for sexual therapy and healing', seriously. Alot of the 'therapy' N & I have been doing has been about our (mostly my) past relationships & sexual experiences. N thinks (& I do to) I still have alot of surpressed sexual energy in me - which I have covered up with excess weight and tried to hide from and hide from the world. I was always very sexual with myself (masturbating, loving porn, dressing up at home) was so excruciatingly embarrassed about myself with another person. Which just breaks my heart. I wasn't that fat - I just thought I was. But more to the point, I hated myself.
N and I have both done a 'timeline' of our lives up to the present day, focusing mainly on sex and relationhips, but also jobs, where living and other major life events occuring at the time. It was very fascinating to do for myself and for N too, and great to read each others. So much of the past just gets lost - who was I with then? Where was I living? What job was I at? Writing it down - and blogging or journalling is excellent for this - keeps it all intact. N also (& I asked him for some of his) asked me to write about specific sexual experiences with past men. At first I happily did it - I do love therapy! - but then as I was writing them (at different times) I found them very sad to do. Like I said, so much of it was drunken one night stands. N noticed that what I had written barely including any sex. I was surprised when he said that as I never realised that. But yeah, I suddenly thought, I don't actually remember much of the sex - it was that bad for me. And up until meeting my ex when I was (wait let me check my timeline, I can't remember!) 24, I'd never had an orgasm with a man (or woman for that matter, but I'm hetero so I always mean man unless otherwise stated). I was sooo used to coming by myself and having all sorts of fun on my own, sharing it with someone else seemed very confronting and scary. I was scared to let someone else in that close - to be that vulnerable with a guy. It was weird as I know pretty much all men and some women come every time the have sex - that's pretty much the point (unless you're doing Tantra or something similar) and yet I had made it very difficult for myself to do that and had built a wall up around myself (and you could physically see it as a layer of fat - keep away). I've always wondered in the back of my mind about my thighs and (as they touch and rub) if (especially as my calves are beautiful and shapely and slim) having lots of weight on my upper thighs was a subconcious thing to 'shut off' my vagina to men and the world. I'd had a few bad experiences and broken hearts (haevn't we all?) and I think maybe carrying alot of weight on my thighs is a way of expressing that. ie. that whilst I'd slept with quite a few men (nearly 20, soon to be 1 more!!) I'd hardly ever had great (let alone mind-blowing) sex. I certainly wasn't sexually open or accepting of my sexuality. And yet I love being a woman and being sexy and feminine. If I hated my body, how could I be?
Hmm...
Speaking of being sexy and feminine, I went shopping yesterday AND today after paying off major bills and actually bought some things for me. Thank you government for lump sum payments! I bought 2 bra's yesterday & 1 today. And 4 pairs of knickers. Shops are all having mega sales so I snapped up some great bargins - some tops too, nothing over $15! A beautiful blue lacey sheer bra & 3 matching knickers ($5 for knickers - usually around 20!) exactly the same as a pink one i already own. I've always wanted matching bra & knicker sets, but could never afford it, but at these prices I can! I also got a sports bra (doesn't count really!) and today a gorgeous lacey burdandy and red bra. I really love that one. Couldd't find any matching knickers though.
*sigh* Wish I had stacks of (self and N made) money (after putting some in savings , I should be sensible!) and could buy really gorgeous and top quality lingerie. I love the stuff. Got some nice cami's and suspender belts & had some stay-ups stockings (til they tore during vigorous self-love sessions!) but have barely worn them for nearly a year and a half since N's been away. It's like everything goes when your partner goes. I mean, if you're not having physical sex why bother? Which is shocking really, as it's really taken from me, ME, this past year. I been forced into a totally different life of juggling single-parenthood, Uni studies, a mentlly-ill mother, living off crap Centrelink payments in a 'booming economy' which is great if you earn $$ but awful if you're on the lower end of the spectrum - rents are shocking, AND trying to hold together a relationship with my partner in jail. Jesus, no wonder I felt like I was slidding downwards a few weeks ago. Actually that little major stress and near-depression attack is what initiated this whole thing with MWN. N was getting very worried about me and incredibly kindly was desperately trying to think of what he could do to help me, from his helpless position. OK, sex with a male escort would not have been the 1st thing that springs to mind (but then again, I'm not a man!) but now, well! Oh my God it's just what i need.
Oh honey, why can't we just have sex? Why is this happening to us??
I love you all the stars in the Universe my darling.... Y Y Y
Then today the MIL had toddler son as usual & I asked her this morning if she could take him for a sleepover that night. She was the last link in the chain as son has only ever slept over there. Part of our plan is that I come up after (hopefully!) fucking MWN all night and see N so he can see me freshly fucked & everything. He doesn't want me to have a shower afterwards so he can see and smell the sex on me freshly fucked. But then we talked about it today (I'd already said I'd definitely be washing my make-up off though - not negotiable in my books) he said maybe that was being unrealisitc as MWN might screw me in the shower!! And I'm planning to visit him at 1pm that sunday, not 10am as usual (am taking toddler son for visit on the saturday instead of usual sunday visit, so I'll be going up both days) so he can see me straight away, and if I've been up all night I'll be needing a shower i think!
I have no doubt I'll be feeling very emotional both saturday before, and sunday after, the event. My God, I'll be having sex with a man outside of our relationship.... whoa
I know now I sound quite 'perfectly normal' about it all, and I also feel like I've been able to detach from any emotions associated with it. After getting over the initial fun of the idea, and then the seriousness of actually going through with it and dealing with those emotions, now I'm just excited! And N wants to hear me excited - he is too, but I think we're both still nervous about what we're actually doing here. It scares me a bit how easily I've been able to get excited about it and seperate out N from the equation. But I have to - this is such a unique situation and totally instigated by N & S inside. But most importantly, I said yes and now it's all on! Arhh!!
I've joked to N that I feel like I'll be MWN's 'sympathy fuck'. I mean because he'll be paying for everything (thank God) which is obviously totally opposite to how it usually works for him. Women pay him to have sex with them. Jesus christ he must be incredible in bed & pretty good looking. Holly crap!! What's he going to think of me??
Apparently he's got a plan is for the evening. Meet at around 7.30pm at a bar in the west end of town. Then move onto a nearby funky club for cocktails. I get real sleazy on cocktails! Case in point: N & I went to this same bar about 3 years ago & he & his friend bought me Cosmospolitan after Cosmopolitan (I love them!) and I was seriously drunk. I think I had about 8 - I'm surprised I didn't get alcohol poisoning! We were all sitting around a table or something (the night is hazy) & next to me was some guy I barely knew, and I had my hand on his leg with N standing right there! What was I thinking?? Oh that's right, I wasn't - brain cells were being obliterated by alcohol! Another guy was saying to N 'look at your girlfriend mate, what's she's doing?!' but N was pretty cool about it and (nicely) decided we should leave. Thankfully he wasn't mad at me as he knew how drunk I was (it was HIS fault after all! lol) and what I was like when really drunk.
I don't want to get really pissed with this guy. I mean, I will definitely have a few drinks - the whole point is to have a fun night - but I don't want to make an idiot of myself and whilst I definitely feel more confident & sexy after a few, I think my sexual responsiveness is lessoned with too much alcohol. Same thing for men who can't get it up when really pissed. I going to be fucking nervous - shit, I'll probably be blushing like mad - so a drink or 2 will be a great social lubricant. Plus, I've had way too many one night stands and bad sex because I was too drunk & had little self respect. This is completely different though, in just about every way.
*Psychoanalysis alert* :
God, I wonder what it's going to be like? Will I really be able to have sex with another man - albeit a professional? I want to, N wants me to, but can I? When we seriously began considering the idea (or more accurately when I began seriously considering the idea, N wanted me to right from the start - how sweet!) I started to think 'you know, this might actually be a good opportunity for sexual therapy and healing', seriously. Alot of the 'therapy' N & I have been doing has been about our (mostly my) past relationships & sexual experiences. N thinks (& I do to) I still have alot of surpressed sexual energy in me - which I have covered up with excess weight and tried to hide from and hide from the world. I was always very sexual with myself (masturbating, loving porn, dressing up at home) was so excruciatingly embarrassed about myself with another person. Which just breaks my heart. I wasn't that fat - I just thought I was. But more to the point, I hated myself.
N and I have both done a 'timeline' of our lives up to the present day, focusing mainly on sex and relationhips, but also jobs, where living and other major life events occuring at the time. It was very fascinating to do for myself and for N too, and great to read each others. So much of the past just gets lost - who was I with then? Where was I living? What job was I at? Writing it down - and blogging or journalling is excellent for this - keeps it all intact. N also (& I asked him for some of his) asked me to write about specific sexual experiences with past men. At first I happily did it - I do love therapy! - but then as I was writing them (at different times) I found them very sad to do. Like I said, so much of it was drunken one night stands. N noticed that what I had written barely including any sex. I was surprised when he said that as I never realised that. But yeah, I suddenly thought, I don't actually remember much of the sex - it was that bad for me. And up until meeting my ex when I was (wait let me check my timeline, I can't remember!) 24, I'd never had an orgasm with a man (or woman for that matter, but I'm hetero so I always mean man unless otherwise stated). I was sooo used to coming by myself and having all sorts of fun on my own, sharing it with someone else seemed very confronting and scary. I was scared to let someone else in that close - to be that vulnerable with a guy. It was weird as I know pretty much all men and some women come every time the have sex - that's pretty much the point (unless you're doing Tantra or something similar) and yet I had made it very difficult for myself to do that and had built a wall up around myself (and you could physically see it as a layer of fat - keep away). I've always wondered in the back of my mind about my thighs and (as they touch and rub) if (especially as my calves are beautiful and shapely and slim) having lots of weight on my upper thighs was a subconcious thing to 'shut off' my vagina to men and the world. I'd had a few bad experiences and broken hearts (haevn't we all?) and I think maybe carrying alot of weight on my thighs is a way of expressing that. ie. that whilst I'd slept with quite a few men (nearly 20, soon to be 1 more!!) I'd hardly ever had great (let alone mind-blowing) sex. I certainly wasn't sexually open or accepting of my sexuality. And yet I love being a woman and being sexy and feminine. If I hated my body, how could I be?
Hmm...
Speaking of being sexy and feminine, I went shopping yesterday AND today after paying off major bills and actually bought some things for me. Thank you government for lump sum payments! I bought 2 bra's yesterday & 1 today. And 4 pairs of knickers. Shops are all having mega sales so I snapped up some great bargins - some tops too, nothing over $15! A beautiful blue lacey sheer bra & 3 matching knickers ($5 for knickers - usually around 20!) exactly the same as a pink one i already own. I've always wanted matching bra & knicker sets, but could never afford it, but at these prices I can! I also got a sports bra (doesn't count really!) and today a gorgeous lacey burdandy and red bra. I really love that one. Couldd't find any matching knickers though.
*sigh* Wish I had stacks of (self and N made) money (after putting some in savings , I should be sensible!) and could buy really gorgeous and top quality lingerie. I love the stuff. Got some nice cami's and suspender belts & had some stay-ups stockings (til they tore during vigorous self-love sessions!) but have barely worn them for nearly a year and a half since N's been away. It's like everything goes when your partner goes. I mean, if you're not having physical sex why bother? Which is shocking really, as it's really taken from me, ME, this past year. I been forced into a totally different life of juggling single-parenthood, Uni studies, a mentlly-ill mother, living off crap Centrelink payments in a 'booming economy' which is great if you earn $$ but awful if you're on the lower end of the spectrum - rents are shocking, AND trying to hold together a relationship with my partner in jail. Jesus, no wonder I felt like I was slidding downwards a few weeks ago. Actually that little major stress and near-depression attack is what initiated this whole thing with MWN. N was getting very worried about me and incredibly kindly was desperately trying to think of what he could do to help me, from his helpless position. OK, sex with a male escort would not have been the 1st thing that springs to mind (but then again, I'm not a man!) but now, well! Oh my God it's just what i need.
Oh honey, why can't we just have sex? Why is this happening to us??
I love you all the stars in the Universe my darling.... Y Y Y
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Filthy phone sex
Yesterday N & I had an amazing phone sex session. I was actually in the mood for it, having not had an orgasm for a few days. Plus, keeping this blog & reading other sex-blogs (& reading them over the phone to N) is making me feel generally more frisky. Which is great! And primarily, it's thought of sex with man whore N in a couple of weeks (not yet confirmed though - hopefully it will be tomorrow, and then I hope the MIL can have son for a sleepover so his mummy can do naughty things!!) that is making both N & I very horny.
Phone sex with us starts off usually with me sticking my stick-on natural cock & balls to the wall above my bed & me sucking away. *sigh* it does get me frisky & wet, but I really REALLY miss kissing. But, we can't do that right now, so this is the next best thing over the phone. This time though I read to him some of Anal Amy's blog - she's an anal slut! (And I mean that in a good way lol) Right up our alley - literally *devious smile*
After the reading I retired to the bedroom and sucked on the toy while he whispered naughty things in my ear. I started to get horny & slid my hand down my pants (I was lying on my tummy) to touch my clitoris. I keep thinking of my 'new' stripper shoes & told N I was going to put them on - they make me feel sooo sexy. I took off my knickers & trackies & put on my shoes. Fuck they look amazing.
I stuck the toy on the wall that sticks out from the built-in-robe & returned to swallowing it. I got on all fours and as there's not much space between the bed & this wall I could feel my shoes wedge me into the space. Being on all fours & with my heels on was great, but suddenly having the sensation of being 'trapped' in this space made me feel like there was nowhere I could go & nothing I could do but suck cock - perfect. I could feel the air on my ass & newly bare pussy lips & N had stopped talking to listen to me suck 'another man's' cock. The thought of that drives him wild.
I could feel my pussy start to ache & feeling around I could feel my wetness start to build. N told me to put a finger in my ass - something I love to have done to me, but have often been too shy or embarrassed to do to myself (with someone else). But not today! As I've said, all this blogging & potential sex with MWN is driving us both wild. Still on my fours & sucking the cock, I reached around & slowly slid a middle finger in my tight arse. I could feel a bit of fingernail so I quickly jumped up & trimmed it off & told N I was going to lube up my finger so it could slide in deep. I got back on all 4's with him telling me to put my finger in my arse - I gratefully obeyed. It went in, & still sucking cock, I slowly fucked my arse with my finger. It felt amazing - I'd forgotten how good it feels. I moaned with the toy in my mouth - making me even hornier that my voice my muffled by cock. I could instantly feel my pussy start to ache intensely - it was dying for cock. N told me to put 2 fingers in & I happily obliged. I just wanted something in my arse and a cock down my throat. The lube made my fingers go in easily and deeply & soon I was wanting my arse stretched by 3 fingers as N told me to do this. I couldn't believe how good it felt and I could feel my pussy seep with juice.
I kept saying to N 'tell me what to do, tell me what to do' - which he said aferwards was fantastic as I was handing control over what to do to me, to him. Fucking drives me wild!
I remembered to get a chair to lean on - I find this perfect for fucking the toy from behind & having something to lean on & raise my torso up a bit. It makes the position of the cock hit all the right spots in both my holes. Not being able to take it anymore and with N urging me on to put the toy straight into my ass I lined myself up for a deep ass-fuck. It nudged it's way in, making me gasp with pleasure. Hearing my happy fuck noises makes N ooze pre-cum and he told me to slowly keep working it in. I wished I'd had another stick-on cock to put on the chair as I was desperate to suck cock again, but, feeling VERY naughty I came off the cock & turned around to it. N was urging me to suck it straight out of my ass. I love this in porn & we use the thought of it in phone sex all the time, but we've only done in a couple of times in real life as I'm paranoid about the smell & taste (& hygiene) & if it's 'clean'. But actually, once you've done a good poo the anal passage stays 'relatively' clean as other crap sits much further up the bowel. So, providing nothing is hanging around (God that's gross!) it can technically be quite clean-ish.
I inspected the cock for flecks of brown stuff & seeing none, I sniffed it - I could smell nothing. Deciding it was clean enough for me & getting hornier by the milli-second at the thought of doing ATM and knowing N would practically shoot his load if I did it, I put it in my mouth & begun to suck. N started saying 'oh you're such a filthy slut' and 'you love the taste of your own ass don't you?' to which I could only groan in the affirmative and I devoured the toy and relished my filthiness. I quickly said 'and? and?' to let him know I needed to be fucked again and for him to tell me to do it.
He told me to put the cock right back up my ass and frantically I did. I started to fuck it deeper now, touching my clit and feeling in heaven. But my pussy was DYING to be fucked & seeing as I was quite obviously in a very fucking drugged-on-friskiness state I told N I had to have it in my dripping wet pussy and slid it in. OH MY GOD I love cock! It went straight in deep & I stopped touching myself to just dissolve into the sensations coming from my pussy as I rhythmically fucked the cock. I could hear N still talking to me, telling me what to do, but I was in a state of near-delirium and out of my mind with lust. I slid it out & turned around to suck it & lick off my pussy juices, then quickly put it back up my ass. I was desperate for another ATM & N demanded I taste my ass again. I did.
Turning around again I felt the need to be filled with cock & told N I was getting out my blue butt-plug. N was telling me how much I loved being fucked by 2 cocks & in complete agreeance the plug easily went up my ass with the other toy in my pussy. Then, having a sudden flash of brilliance - I giggled quietly to N & told him I was taking the plug out of my ass. I keep fucking my pussy with the other toy & bought the plug up to my mouth & sucked it. I was a fucking total ass-to-mouth anal slut! And loving it!!
I hear N talking faster and faster & getting closer & closer but I knew he was waiting for me to come. He LOVES to hear me come - it's his way of really connecting to me. I put the plug back in my ass & touching myself too, fucking went for it. I had the cock deep in my pussy, so deep as I slammed down on it, I could feel the wall bang against the plug, stimulating my ass even more. I'm being fucked by 2 cocks! Suddenly I could feel myself starting to come & I just managed to say (I have real problems speaking when mad with lust, the words distract me from the sensations sometimes) 'oh my God, oh my God, I'm come, I'm come, I'm coming'.
Whoa...........
After I came I seriously felt very drugged - high on endorphins & hormones. I was floating & N was caressing me with soft, gentle words, sensing I was on cloud 9 and not ready to come back down yet to finish him off. I took the toys out, and wobbling to stand up naked bar my heels, flopped forward spread-eagled on the bed in a post-orgasm haze of delight. This is time we used to cuddle and doze and float post-coitus. But we don't have that luxury at present.....
I knew he must have been ready to explode, but ever the kind gentleman, he let me just relax and told me how beautiful and amazing I was. I could feel the tears welling up, but I held them back not wanting to spoil his turn to come.
Not rushing around to clean everything up as I usually do (in case the MIL comes home with our son or if I have to rush to pick him up from day care) after a few minutes I began my words to him to make him quietly come down the end of the phone....
Oh the highs and the lows of phone sex in prison....
Phone sex with us starts off usually with me sticking my stick-on natural cock & balls to the wall above my bed & me sucking away. *sigh* it does get me frisky & wet, but I really REALLY miss kissing. But, we can't do that right now, so this is the next best thing over the phone. This time though I read to him some of Anal Amy's blog - she's an anal slut! (And I mean that in a good way lol) Right up our alley - literally *devious smile*
After the reading I retired to the bedroom and sucked on the toy while he whispered naughty things in my ear. I started to get horny & slid my hand down my pants (I was lying on my tummy) to touch my clitoris. I keep thinking of my 'new' stripper shoes & told N I was going to put them on - they make me feel sooo sexy. I took off my knickers & trackies & put on my shoes. Fuck they look amazing.
I stuck the toy on the wall that sticks out from the built-in-robe & returned to swallowing it. I got on all fours and as there's not much space between the bed & this wall I could feel my shoes wedge me into the space. Being on all fours & with my heels on was great, but suddenly having the sensation of being 'trapped' in this space made me feel like there was nowhere I could go & nothing I could do but suck cock - perfect. I could feel the air on my ass & newly bare pussy lips & N had stopped talking to listen to me suck 'another man's' cock. The thought of that drives him wild.
I could feel my pussy start to ache & feeling around I could feel my wetness start to build. N told me to put a finger in my ass - something I love to have done to me, but have often been too shy or embarrassed to do to myself (with someone else). But not today! As I've said, all this blogging & potential sex with MWN is driving us both wild. Still on my fours & sucking the cock, I reached around & slowly slid a middle finger in my tight arse. I could feel a bit of fingernail so I quickly jumped up & trimmed it off & told N I was going to lube up my finger so it could slide in deep. I got back on all 4's with him telling me to put my finger in my arse - I gratefully obeyed. It went in, & still sucking cock, I slowly fucked my arse with my finger. It felt amazing - I'd forgotten how good it feels. I moaned with the toy in my mouth - making me even hornier that my voice my muffled by cock. I could instantly feel my pussy start to ache intensely - it was dying for cock. N told me to put 2 fingers in & I happily obliged. I just wanted something in my arse and a cock down my throat. The lube made my fingers go in easily and deeply & soon I was wanting my arse stretched by 3 fingers as N told me to do this. I couldn't believe how good it felt and I could feel my pussy seep with juice.
I kept saying to N 'tell me what to do, tell me what to do' - which he said aferwards was fantastic as I was handing control over what to do to me, to him. Fucking drives me wild!
I remembered to get a chair to lean on - I find this perfect for fucking the toy from behind & having something to lean on & raise my torso up a bit. It makes the position of the cock hit all the right spots in both my holes. Not being able to take it anymore and with N urging me on to put the toy straight into my ass I lined myself up for a deep ass-fuck. It nudged it's way in, making me gasp with pleasure. Hearing my happy fuck noises makes N ooze pre-cum and he told me to slowly keep working it in. I wished I'd had another stick-on cock to put on the chair as I was desperate to suck cock again, but, feeling VERY naughty I came off the cock & turned around to it. N was urging me to suck it straight out of my ass. I love this in porn & we use the thought of it in phone sex all the time, but we've only done in a couple of times in real life as I'm paranoid about the smell & taste (& hygiene) & if it's 'clean'. But actually, once you've done a good poo the anal passage stays 'relatively' clean as other crap sits much further up the bowel. So, providing nothing is hanging around (God that's gross!) it can technically be quite clean-ish.
I inspected the cock for flecks of brown stuff & seeing none, I sniffed it - I could smell nothing. Deciding it was clean enough for me & getting hornier by the milli-second at the thought of doing ATM and knowing N would practically shoot his load if I did it, I put it in my mouth & begun to suck. N started saying 'oh you're such a filthy slut' and 'you love the taste of your own ass don't you?' to which I could only groan in the affirmative and I devoured the toy and relished my filthiness. I quickly said 'and? and?' to let him know I needed to be fucked again and for him to tell me to do it.
He told me to put the cock right back up my ass and frantically I did. I started to fuck it deeper now, touching my clit and feeling in heaven. But my pussy was DYING to be fucked & seeing as I was quite obviously in a very fucking drugged-on-friskiness state I told N I had to have it in my dripping wet pussy and slid it in. OH MY GOD I love cock! It went straight in deep & I stopped touching myself to just dissolve into the sensations coming from my pussy as I rhythmically fucked the cock. I could hear N still talking to me, telling me what to do, but I was in a state of near-delirium and out of my mind with lust. I slid it out & turned around to suck it & lick off my pussy juices, then quickly put it back up my ass. I was desperate for another ATM & N demanded I taste my ass again. I did.
Turning around again I felt the need to be filled with cock & told N I was getting out my blue butt-plug. N was telling me how much I loved being fucked by 2 cocks & in complete agreeance the plug easily went up my ass with the other toy in my pussy. Then, having a sudden flash of brilliance - I giggled quietly to N & told him I was taking the plug out of my ass. I keep fucking my pussy with the other toy & bought the plug up to my mouth & sucked it. I was a fucking total ass-to-mouth anal slut! And loving it!!
I hear N talking faster and faster & getting closer & closer but I knew he was waiting for me to come. He LOVES to hear me come - it's his way of really connecting to me. I put the plug back in my ass & touching myself too, fucking went for it. I had the cock deep in my pussy, so deep as I slammed down on it, I could feel the wall bang against the plug, stimulating my ass even more. I'm being fucked by 2 cocks! Suddenly I could feel myself starting to come & I just managed to say (I have real problems speaking when mad with lust, the words distract me from the sensations sometimes) 'oh my God, oh my God, I'm come, I'm come, I'm coming'.
Whoa...........
After I came I seriously felt very drugged - high on endorphins & hormones. I was floating & N was caressing me with soft, gentle words, sensing I was on cloud 9 and not ready to come back down yet to finish him off. I took the toys out, and wobbling to stand up naked bar my heels, flopped forward spread-eagled on the bed in a post-orgasm haze of delight. This is time we used to cuddle and doze and float post-coitus. But we don't have that luxury at present.....
I knew he must have been ready to explode, but ever the kind gentleman, he let me just relax and told me how beautiful and amazing I was. I could feel the tears welling up, but I held them back not wanting to spoil his turn to come.
Not rushing around to clean everything up as I usually do (in case the MIL comes home with our son or if I have to rush to pick him up from day care) after a few minutes I began my words to him to make him quietly come down the end of the phone....
Oh the highs and the lows of phone sex in prison....
Grrr
Haven't heard from N all day today. I've learnt now not to panic when this happens, as I totally can't control anything. But it's still very unnerving and is stressful. What's going on? has something happened? has he been moved? No - I rang them just after lunch & they said the phones were down & they were trying to fix it. Any idea when they'd be fixed? No. Just rang then & same answer - only probably by tomorrow.
Just great. ANd they wonder why prisoners riot.
I know he'll be going mental too. It's so frustrating when you can't do anything about it.
And I'm totally broke today as tomorrow is pay day (and I'm getting some back pay for extra child care rebate from government budget changes!!) & drove to a friends & back so kiddies could catch up, on completely no petrol. It was so stressful & I was praying to God that I don't break down going over a bridge or at traffic lights! Must have an angel on my shoulder as made it home just in time.
Am going to pay a heap of bills with extra money I should get tomorrow and then dammit, going to spend some on me! Now that I'm skirting the poverty line, every cent has to be watched and any extra (which is practically never) I tend to spend on our toddler. Or maybe going to op shops & buying cheap clothes. Which is fun if you're young & a student & carefree (OK, I am still young at 32 & I am a student but this is different! lol) but when you have no choice, it sux. Being a parent too, you tend to spend everything on your children. This time it's going to be me! I work so hard everyday to keep things running, why not after I've paid the bills?
So....I want some boots & definitely a bra or 2. I'm going to try & get everything on sale if possible! If I have enough left I'd really like a GOOD foundation. I hardly ever wear make up & if I do it's usually only at night & I'm sick of buying crap cheap ones. I want someone professional to help!! We'll see how I go. Really want a blue bra though - I always get such safe colours like white, flesh or pink or black, I want to get something different & super sexy. My pink one that I wear now is very sexy - sheer & lacey so you can see my nipples. Gorgeous! But I wear it everyday, so i really need some more.... I hate being broke as I love lingerie... and shoes...and clothes...and sex toys... and porn...and...!
Oh well. this is not forever. One day he'll be out (& finished his studies inside) & I'll have finished study & we'll both be raking it in hopefully!
N & I had amazing phone sex yesterday - which just as well as it's making up for no contact today. I'll do another blog on it I think. I was a total slut and I loved it!!! he he he
Just great. ANd they wonder why prisoners riot.
I know he'll be going mental too. It's so frustrating when you can't do anything about it.
And I'm totally broke today as tomorrow is pay day (and I'm getting some back pay for extra child care rebate from government budget changes!!) & drove to a friends & back so kiddies could catch up, on completely no petrol. It was so stressful & I was praying to God that I don't break down going over a bridge or at traffic lights! Must have an angel on my shoulder as made it home just in time.
Am going to pay a heap of bills with extra money I should get tomorrow and then dammit, going to spend some on me! Now that I'm skirting the poverty line, every cent has to be watched and any extra (which is practically never) I tend to spend on our toddler. Or maybe going to op shops & buying cheap clothes. Which is fun if you're young & a student & carefree (OK, I am still young at 32 & I am a student but this is different! lol) but when you have no choice, it sux. Being a parent too, you tend to spend everything on your children. This time it's going to be me! I work so hard everyday to keep things running, why not after I've paid the bills?
So....I want some boots & definitely a bra or 2. I'm going to try & get everything on sale if possible! If I have enough left I'd really like a GOOD foundation. I hardly ever wear make up & if I do it's usually only at night & I'm sick of buying crap cheap ones. I want someone professional to help!! We'll see how I go. Really want a blue bra though - I always get such safe colours like white, flesh or pink or black, I want to get something different & super sexy. My pink one that I wear now is very sexy - sheer & lacey so you can see my nipples. Gorgeous! But I wear it everyday, so i really need some more.... I hate being broke as I love lingerie... and shoes...and clothes...and sex toys... and porn...and...!
Oh well. this is not forever. One day he'll be out (& finished his studies inside) & I'll have finished study & we'll both be raking it in hopefully!
N & I had amazing phone sex yesterday - which just as well as it's making up for no contact today. I'll do another blog on it I think. I was a total slut and I loved it!!! he he he
Sunday, 15 July 2007
Muff update
Youch! I knew the re-growth would suck & it does!! Not so much on my pussy lips (thank God!) but awful on the mound - yukky little wiry hairs trying to grow back. And they feel like wire!! And now there's also a slight rash and it's soooo itchy. Been putting on amolin at night to soothe it & heal it and had to go knickerless under my PJ's too as I couldn't hack it. Feels very liberating though. I might be having sex in 2 weeks & I don't want to be looking like this!! Help!! I'll definitely re-grow the mound & get the rest waxed off from now on I think. Makes me feel sooo sexy.
Plus, I have really discovered the need for SOFT toilet paper when you're hairless - all these new things i'm learning!
I teased N yesterday when we had the visit. I went knickerless under my jeans & was nervous about how it would feel - but it was surprisingly great. We kissed & I whispered in his ear 'i'm not wearing any knickers. I can feel my bald pussy lips on my jeans'. he he. I'm finding writing in this blog - and reading lots of other sex blogs (there are some excellent ones out there) - is really expanding my mind and is very (sexually) therapeutic. I've always loved the internet & here is yet another reason to love it more!
Yay for blogging!
Plus, I have really discovered the need for SOFT toilet paper when you're hairless - all these new things i'm learning!
I teased N yesterday when we had the visit. I went knickerless under my jeans & was nervous about how it would feel - but it was surprisingly great. We kissed & I whispered in his ear 'i'm not wearing any knickers. I can feel my bald pussy lips on my jeans'. he he. I'm finding writing in this blog - and reading lots of other sex blogs (there are some excellent ones out there) - is really expanding my mind and is very (sexually) therapeutic. I've always loved the internet & here is yet another reason to love it more!
Yay for blogging!
His letter to me
N wrote me this letter last night - at virtually the same time i was writing in my blog. We've often had this weird synchronicity. He hasn't written me a letter like this for a while as we have to smuggle them out as they're a bit naughty and he sticks on funny & sexy pics he cuts out of smut mags they get in there. I've really missed these letters - letters that are both highly sexual, but deeply loving and romantic too. They were searching everyone's bags before visits (prisoner's - they can bring out food and stuff, which is how he was getting them to me. Fortunately he didn't have one the week they started searching!). He's given me permission to type it out here. I have edited some bits that relate to location etc.
Saturday 14/7/07 9.30pm
Hey beautiful angel
I haven't spoken to you like this for a while so i decided it might be time for another secret letter!
You are reading this obviously after our visit today; fuck you are so incredibly gorgeous! I'm so excited thinking about seeing you, touching, kissing, smelling and hopefully 'feeling' you. I hope you had a great visit too!
Anyway, as beautiful and gorgeous and sexy (down boy...down... see what you do to my cock!) as you always are, i need to have a 'real promise' talk to you darling! [we have 'promises' & 'real promises' - promises being used in phone sex & real ones being, well, real!]
You are probably wondering 'what' or 'if' or 'maybe' about MWN [man whore N - my words] or am I asking a silly question? I think not! You are, aren't you? I can 'feel' your anticipation! Is it going to happen? Does he (me) want me (you) to fuck MWN? Can I (you) fuck another guy? Will he be a good fuck? All these questions radiating out of you!
We have discussed at great lengths if's, but's, what's, how's, when's etc etc and have touched on some terms and conditions. And I can still 'feel' your 'reservations', not for actually 'doing it' feelings, but for 'does N really (real promise) want me (you) to have sex with another guy?'. I'm going to 'real promise' answer this in a minute. As we both believe and understand, everything happens for a reason, and all things get presented to individuals to deal with or explore and discover on 'one's' journey. Fuck knows why to such a degree things get as drastic as they do and when they did! But when I think about it with seeing so many other peoples problems or issues, we are no better, no worse, no nothing off from anyone else, our journey is our journey! I believe we have nearly beaten our war, and I believe we have won!! We know what we want, we know how to get it, I know we will get over this time of our journey and build on, together what we want as one. One, yeah us, as a couple of people with intentions of love, passion, family, trust (yeah, i don't forget this Y), togetherness, honesty and loyalty! Loyalty is as big as all bonds in a relationship and we both know what each others position on 'crossing the line' is. There is no line! I mean, if there is a line, I believe, there is, already 'considering it' or 'i wonder' or 'just maybe'. I know I have never had to worry myself about loyalty, and actually I'm so sure about you having the same understanding.
We are extremely lucky, I think, to share such a strong bond of loyalty and other relationship factors. And other such factors might include sexuality. Sex! Sex is great! Sex is from the Universe! Sex is fucking terrific! We are meant to be having sex! More the better I think!
pssst... r u still wondering about MWN? he he
[he's stuck on a funny rude cartoon about sex & procrastination - as i procrastinate alot when we're supposed to be having phone sex!]
Sex is everything I believe! I really do! We were created to survive, hunt, create and procreate!
As you are well aware I'm not dealing with the whole having no sex thing! And it is killing me! I'm trying to deal with it! I really am! I will take whatever you give me but I don't seem to be able to share other traits guys resort too! I'm tempted to borrow a VCR one night & some porn video's, but I think I'll wait to get to the 'farm' [minimum security prison] it's so much easier over there! I fucking hope so anyway! I couldn't face going back to the blocks if I got caught with porn at this late a stage of my departure from this place [porn is not allowed in prison, but of course it still gets in - soft core mag's are allowed though].
So what does a high sexed man like me need to do? The talking, the thinking, the tempting, it's all good if I'm expressing myself but I'm obviously not! I crave sex, I crave you, I crave sexual contact, sexual sight, sexual sound, sexual smell, sexual release, everything that comes in the sexual dictionary. Anything 'sex' - yeah, I want it so badly! (note - to reassure you though, no paedaphilia, beastiality or a guys cock near my arsehole!)
My only lifeline is obviously you at this moment of time and it is also so obvious that you too are dealing with all the external issues...this is why custodial sentences will never work!! This might be your PhD one day??
Anyway, I love the rawness of sex! The 'raw' sex takes alot of commitment, trust to engage in such situations, confidence, the uniqueness, the loyalty!! Loyal to me, loyal to you! Be loyal to me! You are my commitment!
Still wonder? Ready?
I want you to have sex with MWN! I want you to have it so bad! You are my commitment, so I do need to take care of you - even in such circumstances! Even so, to take care of you, so you can take care of me! I guess what I'm trying to say is, live this part of our journey with whatever help is at hand! I can't be there, at the moment, to satisfy you/us and 'self' help if not enought for one's like ourselves. So MWN having sex with you will be 'through' me and very much involved through me, and I guess telling, describing to me, will help me express my sexuality!
I need MWN to fuck you! God know I really need to fuck you! I want him to make love to you! God knows even more, that I need to make love to you! I want to express my physicalities through MWN. All I can manage now is to hear you, see you once a week, hold you briefly, kiss your beautiful lips momentarily, smell your purfume and maybe smell as close as I can, your 'rawness', your sex, in as close as I can get, with having your tight arsehole 'swallowing my finger', trying to get you, yes you, your raw natural, dirty naturalness on me, to take back with me to my world. To treasure and enjoy my commitment that bit longer.
I can only hear you on the phone, I 'express' myself hearing you wank, hearing you fart! Listening to porn with you stimulates me, but I feel close to you with our wonderful phone sex sessions. Now I understand it is very difficult for you with phone sex so maybe having sex with MWN can be a step up the 'coping ladder' for us both.
Now, I know we have only talked about you having sex with MWN on one night at this stage, but I'm willing to explore further options, if, so, that you are totally comfortable and are having your 'fulfilments' met (terms and conditions).
On the night, I want what, I'm feeling, I want to do to you! Thats' why I've already told you (and believe me I trust S and I have full confidence that MWN is very professional in what he does) that I want MWN to maybe be slightly aggressive with you as well as make love to you! I want him to make you suck his cock, I want him to 'restrain' you and bend you over and slide his cock up deep into you, I want his hands firmly around your gorgeous hips and for him to 'work' you back and forwards on his cock! I want you to feel his tongue licking your shithole before he slowly penetrates your bum with his finger. I need you to expect MWN's cock to tease your arsehole before he slowly slides it up your backdoor! I want you breathing with anticipation feeling yourself being dominated with a man's cock 'educating' your arsehole muscles, that it is going to get fucked, and your cunt will explode with 'beautiful agony'!
I want there to be passion as well! Kiss him, kiss him like you kiss me. Long, deep passionate kissing! taste his lips and mouth darling, let him hold you really firmly and kiss you, rubbing his hands all over your beautiful figure then after studying your ankles and feet, holding your legs out wide, lowering himself into your warm, silky, sweet cunt, he can steadily fuck you!
You don't have to worry about drinking pineapple juice [a friend said it makes your pussy taste sweet], your cunt is so sweet angel. Let your natural sweetness ooze all over his cock with love and desire that when he makes you cum, you know, cumming on his cock your are spiritually cumming on mine. Have sex again and again, explore it, let him explore you. I know he does want to explore you! Feel his cock deep down your throat and put your finger in his arsehole and make him ejaculate down your sexy 'being', MWN has already been told of your amazing tits and will be taking a couple of new 'momento' toys and to make sure when you 'sit' down on his cocking facing him, for him to pull you closely to him and insert a second cock into your 'brown hole' (we will give you two 'real' cocks one day soon anyway).
Don't be scared of being emotional [i sometimes cry after orgasm] when you cum! Let it all go! Lie down and say nothing, or say and scream or whatever you have to! Just have sex and really enjoy it! Tell him what you want or don't! Don't be concerned with what is happening, let him really fuck you, let him dominate your sex and treat you like a woman that needs to be totally 'destressed' and 'agonized'!
Do fanny farts or farts, let your arsehole be 'fucked clean', and don't worry about dirty or flecks of shit coming out because its all natural and you are not making a porn movie, just getting fucked really hard from behind and in need of a satisfying release!
I'm curious to talk to you further, tell me your mind, your heart, don't think of being "don't want to hurt my feelings", tell me angel and we can get on with having some really fucking good sex - just like the days gone by! Yay!
There is one more thing I'll say now -
"I need MWN to cum hard and in deep in you" and actually also "I want MWN to fuck you with passion" and most of all, MWN to "fuck your brains out"!
When I speak to you on the phone, if you can tell me first up these 3 statements, I know I'm right about your aura!!
Lots of love my anal whore (always my darling angel too! mwa)
Mwa Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y xxx N
So oh my....I cried as I read his letter. I cried as he wrote about spiritually I'll be coming on his cock and to let him make love to me. I cried with the sheer sadness and frustration at us being in this situation. N worked his fucking arse off for years in his business - physically, mentally and emotionally. He let himself get walked all over people and couldn't say no when he should have. He should have been bashing down people's doors demanding the money they owed him - as bullies did to us - but N is not a bully. And not nearly assertive enough. He did some stupid things yes and had severe cash flow problems. He didn't want to go to a bank and instead went to people to borrow money and all went down hill from there. It was a horrific, traumatic and heart breaking time, and he still knows he has to working hard for years to fully gain my trust back. But does he deserve this? Do I? It's not rocket science to see that partner's with kids are the ones that serve the real sentence. Did he rape or murder or abuse people? No. Is he a danger to people? No. Does society need to be protected from him? No. Is he out there working and paying people back? No. But nevermind, because jail makes everyone who commits a crime rehabilitate and pop out pure and honest.
Fucking NOT!
So here I am, reading possibly the most incredibly love-filled and tear enducing letter I have ever received, from my partner who loves me that much he's willing to let me have sex with a stranger to help me cope with the crap my life has become. God how much does N love me?! How much do I love him? *chin wobbling, eyes blurring* We knew within days of meeting we wanted to be together forever. It took him 2 weeks to ask me to marry him and 1 milli-second for me to say yes. We were one of those dumb couples who went out for dinner (when we actually managed to stop having sex and get out of my unit) and sat there all googley eyes at each other. N treated me - and still does as best he can - like a princess.
And this is what he gets. N is one of the most kindest, generous people you will ever meet. Way to generous for his own good! And now I'm reading his letter as though he were dead and saying from heaven 'I will always love you and I want nothing more then for you to be happy, my darling. Go out and have fun and have sex. be happy for me.'
oh fucking hell God FUCKING HELL *seriously crying now*
I remember when it all happened and the cops took him away. The best I could describe it at the time, and still do, is half way between a death and a divorce, without as much sympathy and a tonne of shame. But that's something you have to get through. You see quickly who your real friends are and who's not. You let go as you lose almost ALL control of your life and you pray to God you'll live to raise your child.
I just want to feel alive again. *crying, shit, crying* I feel so weighed down with everything my life is now. I don't blame N anymore - when I made the decision to stay with him (and it's something I'm sure most people do in my situation - decide to hang in there for the long haul & pain, or leave) I also decided that if I stay, I forgive and we move forward. Like a person deciding to stay with someone who has cheated on them; if you stay it means you willingly work at forgiveness with that person. It means you honestly let go of what they did and not whip it out at the drop of a hat to beat that person over and over again with your anger and sense of betrayal. If you can't do that (and by no means am I advocating that, each situation - whether adultery or jail - is unique and completely up to the individual and/or couple) then don't carry around your wound on your sleeve. Staying with that person means you are willingly saying 'i forgive you, i will not stay angry at you', otherwise, walk away now. Save both of you more heartbreak and suffering. There is no right or wrong about what to do. Life is messy and painful and hard, but that's what makes life, life. Life is also intensely pleasureable and incredible and wonderful. Life can make your heart explode with happiness or drop and break into tiny pieces with grief. It is our emotions - the whole spectrum of them - that remind us WE ARE ALIVE. Get out there and live goddamit.
Amor vincit omnia
Saturday 14/7/07 9.30pm
Hey beautiful angel
I haven't spoken to you like this for a while so i decided it might be time for another secret letter!
You are reading this obviously after our visit today; fuck you are so incredibly gorgeous! I'm so excited thinking about seeing you, touching, kissing, smelling and hopefully 'feeling' you. I hope you had a great visit too!
Anyway, as beautiful and gorgeous and sexy (down boy...down... see what you do to my cock!) as you always are, i need to have a 'real promise' talk to you darling! [we have 'promises' & 'real promises' - promises being used in phone sex & real ones being, well, real!]
You are probably wondering 'what' or 'if' or 'maybe' about MWN [man whore N - my words] or am I asking a silly question? I think not! You are, aren't you? I can 'feel' your anticipation! Is it going to happen? Does he (me) want me (you) to fuck MWN? Can I (you) fuck another guy? Will he be a good fuck? All these questions radiating out of you!
We have discussed at great lengths if's, but's, what's, how's, when's etc etc and have touched on some terms and conditions. And I can still 'feel' your 'reservations', not for actually 'doing it' feelings, but for 'does N really (real promise) want me (you) to have sex with another guy?'. I'm going to 'real promise' answer this in a minute. As we both believe and understand, everything happens for a reason, and all things get presented to individuals to deal with or explore and discover on 'one's' journey. Fuck knows why to such a degree things get as drastic as they do and when they did! But when I think about it with seeing so many other peoples problems or issues, we are no better, no worse, no nothing off from anyone else, our journey is our journey! I believe we have nearly beaten our war, and I believe we have won!! We know what we want, we know how to get it, I know we will get over this time of our journey and build on, together what we want as one. One, yeah us, as a couple of people with intentions of love, passion, family, trust (yeah, i don't forget this Y), togetherness, honesty and loyalty! Loyalty is as big as all bonds in a relationship and we both know what each others position on 'crossing the line' is. There is no line! I mean, if there is a line, I believe, there is, already 'considering it' or 'i wonder' or 'just maybe'. I know I have never had to worry myself about loyalty, and actually I'm so sure about you having the same understanding.
We are extremely lucky, I think, to share such a strong bond of loyalty and other relationship factors. And other such factors might include sexuality. Sex! Sex is great! Sex is from the Universe! Sex is fucking terrific! We are meant to be having sex! More the better I think!
pssst... r u still wondering about MWN? he he
[he's stuck on a funny rude cartoon about sex & procrastination - as i procrastinate alot when we're supposed to be having phone sex!]
Sex is everything I believe! I really do! We were created to survive, hunt, create and procreate!
As you are well aware I'm not dealing with the whole having no sex thing! And it is killing me! I'm trying to deal with it! I really am! I will take whatever you give me but I don't seem to be able to share other traits guys resort too! I'm tempted to borrow a VCR one night & some porn video's, but I think I'll wait to get to the 'farm' [minimum security prison] it's so much easier over there! I fucking hope so anyway! I couldn't face going back to the blocks if I got caught with porn at this late a stage of my departure from this place [porn is not allowed in prison, but of course it still gets in - soft core mag's are allowed though].
So what does a high sexed man like me need to do? The talking, the thinking, the tempting, it's all good if I'm expressing myself but I'm obviously not! I crave sex, I crave you, I crave sexual contact, sexual sight, sexual sound, sexual smell, sexual release, everything that comes in the sexual dictionary. Anything 'sex' - yeah, I want it so badly! (note - to reassure you though, no paedaphilia, beastiality or a guys cock near my arsehole!)
My only lifeline is obviously you at this moment of time and it is also so obvious that you too are dealing with all the external issues...this is why custodial sentences will never work!! This might be your PhD one day??
Anyway, I love the rawness of sex! The 'raw' sex takes alot of commitment, trust to engage in such situations, confidence, the uniqueness, the loyalty!! Loyal to me, loyal to you! Be loyal to me! You are my commitment!
Still wonder? Ready?
I want you to have sex with MWN! I want you to have it so bad! You are my commitment, so I do need to take care of you - even in such circumstances! Even so, to take care of you, so you can take care of me! I guess what I'm trying to say is, live this part of our journey with whatever help is at hand! I can't be there, at the moment, to satisfy you/us and 'self' help if not enought for one's like ourselves. So MWN having sex with you will be 'through' me and very much involved through me, and I guess telling, describing to me, will help me express my sexuality!
I need MWN to fuck you! God know I really need to fuck you! I want him to make love to you! God knows even more, that I need to make love to you! I want to express my physicalities through MWN. All I can manage now is to hear you, see you once a week, hold you briefly, kiss your beautiful lips momentarily, smell your purfume and maybe smell as close as I can, your 'rawness', your sex, in as close as I can get, with having your tight arsehole 'swallowing my finger', trying to get you, yes you, your raw natural, dirty naturalness on me, to take back with me to my world. To treasure and enjoy my commitment that bit longer.
I can only hear you on the phone, I 'express' myself hearing you wank, hearing you fart! Listening to porn with you stimulates me, but I feel close to you with our wonderful phone sex sessions. Now I understand it is very difficult for you with phone sex so maybe having sex with MWN can be a step up the 'coping ladder' for us both.
Now, I know we have only talked about you having sex with MWN on one night at this stage, but I'm willing to explore further options, if, so, that you are totally comfortable and are having your 'fulfilments' met (terms and conditions).
On the night, I want what, I'm feeling, I want to do to you! Thats' why I've already told you (and believe me I trust S and I have full confidence that MWN is very professional in what he does) that I want MWN to maybe be slightly aggressive with you as well as make love to you! I want him to make you suck his cock, I want him to 'restrain' you and bend you over and slide his cock up deep into you, I want his hands firmly around your gorgeous hips and for him to 'work' you back and forwards on his cock! I want you to feel his tongue licking your shithole before he slowly penetrates your bum with his finger. I need you to expect MWN's cock to tease your arsehole before he slowly slides it up your backdoor! I want you breathing with anticipation feeling yourself being dominated with a man's cock 'educating' your arsehole muscles, that it is going to get fucked, and your cunt will explode with 'beautiful agony'!
I want there to be passion as well! Kiss him, kiss him like you kiss me. Long, deep passionate kissing! taste his lips and mouth darling, let him hold you really firmly and kiss you, rubbing his hands all over your beautiful figure then after studying your ankles and feet, holding your legs out wide, lowering himself into your warm, silky, sweet cunt, he can steadily fuck you!
You don't have to worry about drinking pineapple juice [a friend said it makes your pussy taste sweet], your cunt is so sweet angel. Let your natural sweetness ooze all over his cock with love and desire that when he makes you cum, you know, cumming on his cock your are spiritually cumming on mine. Have sex again and again, explore it, let him explore you. I know he does want to explore you! Feel his cock deep down your throat and put your finger in his arsehole and make him ejaculate down your sexy 'being', MWN has already been told of your amazing tits and will be taking a couple of new 'momento' toys and to make sure when you 'sit' down on his cocking facing him, for him to pull you closely to him and insert a second cock into your 'brown hole' (we will give you two 'real' cocks one day soon anyway).
Don't be scared of being emotional [i sometimes cry after orgasm] when you cum! Let it all go! Lie down and say nothing, or say and scream or whatever you have to! Just have sex and really enjoy it! Tell him what you want or don't! Don't be concerned with what is happening, let him really fuck you, let him dominate your sex and treat you like a woman that needs to be totally 'destressed' and 'agonized'!
Do fanny farts or farts, let your arsehole be 'fucked clean', and don't worry about dirty or flecks of shit coming out because its all natural and you are not making a porn movie, just getting fucked really hard from behind and in need of a satisfying release!
I'm curious to talk to you further, tell me your mind, your heart, don't think of being "don't want to hurt my feelings", tell me angel and we can get on with having some really fucking good sex - just like the days gone by! Yay!
There is one more thing I'll say now -
"I need MWN to cum hard and in deep in you" and actually also "I want MWN to fuck you with passion" and most of all, MWN to "fuck your brains out"!
When I speak to you on the phone, if you can tell me first up these 3 statements, I know I'm right about your aura!!
Lots of love my anal whore (always my darling angel too! mwa)
Mwa Y Y Y Y Y Y Y Y xxx N
So oh my....I cried as I read his letter. I cried as he wrote about spiritually I'll be coming on his cock and to let him make love to me. I cried with the sheer sadness and frustration at us being in this situation. N worked his fucking arse off for years in his business - physically, mentally and emotionally. He let himself get walked all over people and couldn't say no when he should have. He should have been bashing down people's doors demanding the money they owed him - as bullies did to us - but N is not a bully. And not nearly assertive enough. He did some stupid things yes and had severe cash flow problems. He didn't want to go to a bank and instead went to people to borrow money and all went down hill from there. It was a horrific, traumatic and heart breaking time, and he still knows he has to working hard for years to fully gain my trust back. But does he deserve this? Do I? It's not rocket science to see that partner's with kids are the ones that serve the real sentence. Did he rape or murder or abuse people? No. Is he a danger to people? No. Does society need to be protected from him? No. Is he out there working and paying people back? No. But nevermind, because jail makes everyone who commits a crime rehabilitate and pop out pure and honest.
Fucking NOT!
So here I am, reading possibly the most incredibly love-filled and tear enducing letter I have ever received, from my partner who loves me that much he's willing to let me have sex with a stranger to help me cope with the crap my life has become. God how much does N love me?! How much do I love him? *chin wobbling, eyes blurring* We knew within days of meeting we wanted to be together forever. It took him 2 weeks to ask me to marry him and 1 milli-second for me to say yes. We were one of those dumb couples who went out for dinner (when we actually managed to stop having sex and get out of my unit) and sat there all googley eyes at each other. N treated me - and still does as best he can - like a princess.
And this is what he gets. N is one of the most kindest, generous people you will ever meet. Way to generous for his own good! And now I'm reading his letter as though he were dead and saying from heaven 'I will always love you and I want nothing more then for you to be happy, my darling. Go out and have fun and have sex. be happy for me.'
oh fucking hell God FUCKING HELL *seriously crying now*
I remember when it all happened and the cops took him away. The best I could describe it at the time, and still do, is half way between a death and a divorce, without as much sympathy and a tonne of shame. But that's something you have to get through. You see quickly who your real friends are and who's not. You let go as you lose almost ALL control of your life and you pray to God you'll live to raise your child.
I just want to feel alive again. *crying, shit, crying* I feel so weighed down with everything my life is now. I don't blame N anymore - when I made the decision to stay with him (and it's something I'm sure most people do in my situation - decide to hang in there for the long haul & pain, or leave) I also decided that if I stay, I forgive and we move forward. Like a person deciding to stay with someone who has cheated on them; if you stay it means you willingly work at forgiveness with that person. It means you honestly let go of what they did and not whip it out at the drop of a hat to beat that person over and over again with your anger and sense of betrayal. If you can't do that (and by no means am I advocating that, each situation - whether adultery or jail - is unique and completely up to the individual and/or couple) then don't carry around your wound on your sleeve. Staying with that person means you are willingly saying 'i forgive you, i will not stay angry at you', otherwise, walk away now. Save both of you more heartbreak and suffering. There is no right or wrong about what to do. Life is messy and painful and hard, but that's what makes life, life. Life is also intensely pleasureable and incredible and wonderful. Life can make your heart explode with happiness or drop and break into tiny pieces with grief. It is our emotions - the whole spectrum of them - that remind us WE ARE ALIVE. Get out there and live goddamit.
Amor vincit omnia
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